So I am jumping into the dating scene like you would with the deep end of a swimming pool and I am experiancing all types of odd questions. The one that always seems to catch me off guard is the, “So… How many guys have you been with?”
Since when has it been acceptable to ask this? I understand that once any relationship gets serious that this question should and probably will arise. Though during the first phone converstaion? The first date?
I have been asked this question from just about every guy I have dated. Some before we actually meet. Some during the first date… I have no issue or problem with the number of guys I maybe or may not have been with it… but for some reason or another it always makes me feel like I am some slut or something.
So the question at hand: Do you ask your date this question? Is it apporiate? and if so, when would you actually bring up the question?
I never asked my wife this question, because I think, under most circumstances, that it’s none of the other persons’s business.
I did end up telling her my own number, though, because I’ve some past history that I felt she needed to know about before agreeing to get married, and in the course of hearing the story, she (not surprisingly) felt the need to ask.
It does seem really rude to ask that on a first date. Date five, maybe, but I never bring it up unless she does first. But no matter, that is not your experience.
Whatever you do, don’t hem and haw over the answer. Know what you’re going to say beforehand. I’m not sure how old you are, but unless you’re 19, any number under ten is reasonable to outright state. If you’d rather not say the number, say something like “Vacation hookups don’t count, right?” Or “I stopped counting after the first hundred. Yeah, middle school was a wild time!”
I think it’s entirely appropriate to want to know, at the point where the relationship is becoming serious. Not everyone cares, and not everyone will want to answer, or answer honestly, but I think it’s important to know about your partner’s past.
But on a first date? Or even before you’ve met? That’s incredibly rude, and shows that these men are either barn-raised or have a history of hooking up with really slutty women. Of course, if your dating profile picture is the one you took at that friend’s bachelorette party, panties flashing and boobs hanging out, that may explain why it’s a question you’re getting so early on…
Assuming the number is not zero, “at least one” is a truthful answer that gives all the info needed and deserved in a meeting and dating context. If that reply were not accepted gracefully, I’d be moving on.
A more forthright answer may well be appropriate when things develop to a serious level, though I don’t think it necessarily has to be a specific number.
To quote one Stephanie Tanner, how rude! Seriously, this should never be asked unless you’ve already screwed a few times or the conversation is already steering in that direction (out of your own will). Really, if they want to know if you’re ‘clean,’ they’ll ask about STD tests. If they want to know if you’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship, they’ll ask that. If they want to figure out if you’re a virgin or a slut, or worried they won’t be able to stack up to your past conquests, they can go home and masturbate.
Wow. That’s not a question I ask, or expect to be asked. My husband and I had discussions about it, but we never tried to pin each other down with a number. Honestly, I don’t really want to know. I know his number is smaller than mine, and so does he. Beyond that, a conversation of that nature has a really good chance of going very badly and even turning into an argument. I guess we both prefer to let the past stay in the past.
I’m a strong believer in not discussing numbers in the early stage of a relationship. I just don’t see what good can come of it. I don’t need to know if someone I’m dating was with five guys or 500 guys before me – she’s the person she is in front of me because of the experiences she had before meeting me and that’s all that really matters. And, looking at it from the other side, I’m really not interested in being judged or dealing with jealousy for how I’ve lived my life before meeting someone.
Once you’ve gotten to know each other well enough to know that you aren’t going to have jealousy issues, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with discussing number of partners if you want, but even then it seems unnecessary. Number of past longish-term relationships seems like a far more relevant number, just in terms of knowing the major events in each others’ past.
