I’m blind and I got there progressively. About five years ago, I started using a white cane. I immediately felt liberated. One would have been helpful maybe ten years earlier, but I never bothered. I never use it in my own house, I know my way around well enough and can feel my way if necessary. But outdoors, I feel naked without it.
The point I am making is that, when I needed it, I immediately realized it as soon as I started using it. If a person is given a device that is helpful to them, they will use it if it is actually helpful, and won’t if it’s not.
It could be that the OPs mom gets around here house well enough without it, and therefore doesn’t really need it. Before I got my white cane, I stumbled or tripped several times, carrying bags of groceries, but one quickly learns, when feeling oneself going down, to roll like a paratrooper, and I never hurt myself.
I would suggest to the OP to leave her alone, in her house. But when you go out, suggest that she take the cane along just in case. But don’t be insistent.
The best way is to tell her why it’s important to you. That you are loosing sleep, that you worry about having the time and energy to help if she has a bad fall. Because, really, it’s her business if she wants to risk a fall, but it’s putting a lot on you.
I would strongly recommend against the metal support bars. If she doesn’t like a cane, she will hate them, and resent you for forcing them on her. Get her a personal trainer to work on her balance. Upgrade the carpet padding. Arrange the furniture as suggested above. And remember, she’s a grown woman who brought you into this world, and just might consider … you know, never mind the sword cane.
Good idea to add grab bars. Hint – they aren’t restricted to bathrooms: they can be real handy in laundry rooms, also near the refrigerator or freezer when bending over to the bottom shelves. Also railings not just in stairways, but along hallways.
About using a cane/walker, that takes a combination of fear and guilt.
The fear comes from showing her scary stories & statistics about elderly people who fall. Not about her death–elders are aware of that inevitability – but about the risk of having to be confined in a nursing home all the time. Have other friends talk about having to put their parents in nursing homes, and how quickly they went downhill and lost interest in everything after that. Stories of people she knows are more influential than any statistics.
And the guilt comes from you & all her relatives making a fuss about how much it worries you when she doesn’t use her cane, how you can’t sleep for worrying. Call her after the nightly news because you saw a story about Jimmy Carter falling, and just had to call to check that she hadn’t fallen. Nag her constantly, just like she nagged you to do chores as a teenager.
Then she can use her cane, while telling all her friends that she only does so because her kids worry so and make such a fuss about it. Once she starts using it, she will find it very helpful & steadying. (Do make sure that it’s a solid cane, and well fitted to her height.)
My grandmother didn’t want to use a walker, preferring to grab onto our elbows for dear life. At one point we started refusing to grab on, “but I need to!” “And I rolling up sleeve need my elbow to not look like it’s gone ten rounds with Muhammad Ali! You want to go to the park, get the walker.” “Hmph. Gets walker”
Later at the park “you know, this walker thing isn’t so bad…”
My mother is one of those people who keep not wanting to do this or that thing because “that’s for old people!” A couple of years ago she mentioned to my uncle Xav that she’d been told she might need to start using a cane. The next time we visited him he made reservations in a nice restaurant which happens to be next door to his favourite source of canes; have I mentioned his right knee lost a fight with some tarmac back when he was in his 20s? He made her the gift of a pretty cane which is the right size for her and had the store open a file for her so we can easily buy other canes the same size.
She doesn’t need to use one normally, but she does need one part of the time. Last time she whined to me about it “but I don’t want to look old!” “Mom, you’re almost 80. That’s not old, that’s fucking old. Would you rather look splattered all over the sidewalk?”
Like her mother, once she’s using the cane she’ll say “oh, this isn’t so bad…”
What she says is “I don’t want to look old”. What she actually feels is fear of being and looking clumsy. But someone zigzagging all over the sidewalk is much more dangerous to themselves and others than a person correctly using a cane.
It helps to vent once in awhile. Watching someone you care about age and become physically infirm is incredibly stressful. I’m very thankful my mom’s mind is still sharp.
My mother needed to use a walker after knee replacement surgery, and didn’t want too. “People will think I’m old!” (In her 70’s, and still taking care of 2 dozen horses.)
So my nephew, who has cerebral palsy and had used a walker at ages 3-4, decided to fix hers up for her. He replaced the hand grips with bicycle grips (in hot pink) with sequined streamers, added a transistor radio clamped to it, a coffee cup holder, a squeeze-bulb bicycle horn, and a personalized license plate.
After all the time her only grandchild had spent on it, she just had to use that walker. And it gave her a good chance to start talking about her grandson, which she enjoyed doing.
I had to use crutches, walker, cane, wheelchairs, etc. for long stretches in my 20s and 30s after a freak leg fracture followed by a LOT of surgery and rehab. I have developed a small collection over the years. For me, it was about avoiding pain, and I couldn’t have cared less whether it made me look old.
But maybe she would be more willing to use something designed primarily as athletic equipment, like a hiking staff, or even trekking poles? I bought a hiking staff primarily because of its nice comfy cork grip, but it has many things to recommend it - it’s adjustable, it has a nice spiky point which is handy for snow and ice, you can easily buy all kinds of replacement rubber tips for it that are designed for different kinds of terrain, etc.
Or if she wants to stick to a regular cane, they come in all sorts of funky designs.
My mom refused to use any aides after a stoke that partially paralyzed her right side. Eventually reality convinced her to use a cane and then a walker but took a long time and she always pretends like it’s no big deal. One day she just happened to start using that walker we’d been begging her to use for years. Of course, there’s a right way and a wrong way to use equipment like that but she doesn’t need any instruction or help, oh no. It’s painful to watch sometimes. So if you get her to use a device, get some training too.
This is only a theory, since she denies ever falling in over a decade, but I think the way she has gotten away with it for so long is because she is super short. When she falls she just sort of drops onto her butt like a toddler.
She’s 93 now and we still have to nag her about using doorknobs and seatbacks for support. One day her rambunctious behavior is going to get her in trouble!
Grab bars - They don’t have to be as obvious. We renovated a bathroom, when my parents came to live with us. We found not just the standard straight grab bars, but towel racks, toilet paper holders, and shower bottle holders that are all designed so they can be installed as a grab bar. The bathroom has a total of 4 grab bars in it. Anything that someone MIGHT grab, will support them.
Canes - The “pretty” cane ideas are good. Make it an accessory, not something that will label your mom. Also, take a look into walking sticks. We got a pair for my dad, when he was having trouble with a cane. The walking sticks allow for a more upright posture and a straight wrist. In addition, a lot of them can be outfitted with either a pointed end (great for grass and snow) or capped with a rubber foot.
My mom isn’t that bad yet, but I feel your pain. She has fallen a few times from trips or missed steps. She tries to be careful and uses an arm for support when stepping on uneven ground or onto/off curbs, but she is still pretty mobile otherwise. But I’m interested in this thread, because I can see it coming. And so can she.
Just have to add one other. My aunt had a kidney transplant that didn’t go well. She had fought her way through quitting smoking, a heart double bypass, and a stroke caused by blood thinners (we think) to get that far. After 6 weeks lying on her back in a hospital, she had no strength, and had to go to a rehab center (i.e. nursing home). She was trying to get back to walking, but stood up on her own for some silly reason and fell and broke her hip. That was the end. She didn’t have the mental strength to fight any more. She died soon after.
I work and Walmart, and I see many older people that use canes, but I also see many who won’t use a cane or walker, but use a shopping cart as a walker to get around the store. They’re leaning all over the handrail, sometimes resting on their elbows on the frame. And not for just shopping, because they’re often with someone else who has another basket for shopping.
That’s actually a quadropod (4 feet), but otherwise you are correct.
Related story here. A number of years ago, my parents were living next to an older woman who was a long time neighbor. She fell, and started being generally at risk. She got an alarm, and they were placed on the contact list to go check on her. They had to do that a number of times.
I dread that day for my father. He’s not getting tickets yet, but I sometimes feel he doesn’t quite know where the lanes are. My mom will stop driving if she gets bad, but my dad relies so much on being able to drive himself, often to help out with transport for the nephew. It will be a BIG change in his life.
Actually, while the video repeatedly shows people pushing the scooters on and off, it does actually show she could drive on and off the ramp. It is double ramped so she can drive forward to enter and exit the lift.
I think that Chariot looks cool, and is a great invention. I love that it is not a conventional trailer that swivels, but rather the wheels spin but the rack is rigid. Makes it a lot simpler and no need to worry about jackknifing or other trailer hassles.
Is there a store where she can “test drive” canes to find one that works for her? Perhaps seeing the variety she can choose from will pique her interest.
You mentioned getting her a tripod style. I haven’t tried those, but the Big Crow has a couple of quadrupod types from when his previous wife began to decline. He wanted me to use one to go up and down the stairs. I tried it and immediately went back to my monopod driftwood cane. For being mainly aluminum, the quadrupod was surprising heavy and unwieldy, with the bulk of its weight being at the bottom. I felt as if it was going to throw me off balance, sending me tumbling down the steps. It was scary and I don’t know how someone with weak muscles or balance problems could use one. My driftwood cane, by comparison, weighs next to nothing and has a perfect natural curve for a handle. I love that thing!
This hasn’t been brought up yet but could you get your mom to wear one of those Life Alert-type emergency buttons? It can be worn under clothing so she wouldn’t have that “looking old” stigma hounding her. And, if the kind folks at the fire department had to pick her up a few times, she might reconsider getting a cane.
My nonagenarian friend’s heiney has been saved this way several times when she fell while alone. I’m sure glad she had that option.
Does your mom have any kind of memory lost , she could be forgetting to use her cane . I had clients that used walkers and they would carry it around the house and I had to remind them how to use it the correct way. A cane has to be the right height to use comfortably ,if it too tall it will hurt your arm having it bended way up and if the cane too short you have to bend over too much . You should made sure the cane is the right length for your mother and some people have a hard time using canes that have a curve to hold onto if they have a weak hand grip .
I believe the statistic is that one-third of hospital admissions of older people is for falls. They are worth avoiding! It is true that canes/walkers do convey the impression of being old - and sometimes that’s a good thing - gets you to the head of the line; so you don’t have to stand painfully, etc.
For walking on level ground, the weight at the bottom is fine – it helps keep it stable. But those are not advisable for use on stairs, for just the reason you mentioned. Often the best thing on stairs is no cane at all – just use the handrails (especially if they are on both sides).
For a relative who had to use a can, her family got her 2 identical ones – an upstairs cane and a downstairs cane. Whenever she went up the stairs, she left her ‘downstairs’ cane hanging there at the bottom, and picked up the ‘upstairs’ one when she got to the top of the stairs. That way, she wasn’t burdened with a cane when going up the stairs, and had both hands free to hold onto the handrails, but always had a cane right there when she got to the top. And the same for going down. That worked real well for her.
My MIL fought using one, and fought using a walker at a time when she was so debiliated that it was truly dangerous to try to move without one. It took a fall in the bathroom (when SIL was visiting), and SIL chewing her out royally, and a stay in a rehab facility, before she was willing to use it.
Ultimately she graduated to just the cane.
Now she uses the cane to help reach the car door when it’s swung wide enough that she couldn’t reach it otherwise. So, maybe point out that having the cane handy means it can be used for other purposes.
Personally: I’m klutzy enough that simply walking around has frequently led to my rolling my foot and plummeting to the ground. I don’t use a walking stick routinely… though I used to have a cane in the back of the car “just in case” (it did come in useful, once, when I sprained my ankle while out). If I’m doing any substantial walking I carry a trek pole. In fact I get nervous if I’m out for a long walk without it! Maybe something like a trek pole / hiking stick
would be more palatable to your mother?
As far as things like help with doors… hasn’t been a huge deal for me (I’m only late 50s) though it did once get me escorted into a theatre in New York ahead of all the other patrons. I was baffled about why the usher pulled me out of the line on the sidewalk and took me to an area just inside the door… until I realized he’d seen my trek pole and assumed I was disabled. I was amused and mortified at the same time.
And I have now seen a three footed one, so they do make them.
Some have mentioned the quadropod canes. I think you’re talking about the ones with a big wide base and four feet. These are just a stopper on the end of a regular cane but with a wide footprint in a 4 prong or 3 prong arrangement. Not nearly as weighty or unbalancing, but still giving a bit more stability. Perhaps not as stable as the wide ones, but it’s all about trade-offs.
