We just filed today and have to wait the obligatory 90 days.
I’m just curious how you all have dealt with the rampant emotions and stress brought on by going through a divorce, as well as how you came about fully accepting that the relationship is over and you’ll have to get on with your life without the partner you’ve come to know inside and out and rely on for everyday trivialties.
I’ve been unusually calm and collected so far, but I think I am still in the middle of the acceptance phase and once the finality of it all strikes me fully, I’ll be a mess.
Just for reference, the divorce is not ending badly, just sadly. We aren’t fighting over every little thing, we have no reason to hate each other. Through the marriage I gained 2 step-daughters that I’ve grown to love as my own.
I took up a new hobby. Something time consuming that required my concentration when I was doing it. I joined the SCA and learned illumination. I also took up leatherwork, woodcarving, and archery, as well as costuming.
Now, I’m not suggesting you go join the SCA, but any of those activites are time consuming and require you think about them and not let your mind wander. The SCA is just a good place to learn them and meet a lot of new people.
Besides, you can make nifty things for your step-daughters.
We just legally separated; as soon as possible I’m going to be heading back to the States to file & start the 180 day wait.
Since the decision was mine to divorce, I’m…well, not happy about it, but I’ve made my peace. It seems like I got over all of the pain and anger before I made this choice, my husband is the one having a hard time dealing with it.
Right now, my problem is wanting to help my husband, whom I still care about, get through this even though I know I can’t be the one to comfort him, lest he get the wrong idea. He doesn’t believe it now, but I am very, very sorry for the hurt I’ve caused him and that I never would have done this if I didn’t believe that this was the right thing, long-term, for all three of us (we have a son).
I think that the thing that helped me most is having wonderful supportive friends. When I need it they listen to me rant and whine, and when I need distraction, they’re there for that, too. Most importantly, they keep me from feeling like I’m an evil, selfish woman and remind me of all the good reasons I’m doing this.
Actually, it wasn’t that difficult for me. My ex-wife left for parts unknown after the divorce was filed and nobody had any contact with her until about a week before it was final. Handled it myself and got full custody of all three kids AND kept all my stuff. I do my best to totally ignore her now. I’m now married to a WONDERFUL lady and we get along great!
Mine had the potential to be pretty ugly, but I kept my cool (she didn’t) and things turned out ok. But I’ll back up what tatertot said. Lean on your friends. If you don’t have friends you can lean on, hire a shrink. You need to be able to talk this out with different people, and to know that there are people out there on your side.
Like AR mentioned, getting a hobby is a great idea. I was in Japan for most of the process, including the final decree, so all I did was throw myself into my work and go the gym a little more and that seemed to work.
I think it’s unfortunate that you have to deal with this on a ‘sad’ level. I think it will draw the grieving process out. The ‘bad’ level, though shitty while it happens, is IMO quicker, like yanking a band-aid off. The emotions burn brighter but for not as long.
Please lean on friends. For sure I’d never had made it if it wasn’t for my people dragging me out of my room. Also, I totally agree with flyboy88 on seeing a shrink. I never had gone to one til a few months before the break-up. It was those visits, I think, that help greatly once the seperation came.
Our final(here’s hoping)court date is set for the end of May. I cannot wait for this to be over.
Having good friends is self-explanatory, and I hope anyone who ever goes through divorce has them. I have extreme doubts about the benefit of shrinks in general, but came the closest I’ve ever come to seeking one out during the worst emotional hell-period of my own divorce.
Courage–pain, and a lot of it, is probably inevitable, though of course a lot depends on hostility level of the ending, whether one is the leaver or the left, and so on and on. Still, I don’t like to think about what kind of person it wouldn’t hurt. Accept it. Feel it. Weep from time to time when you need to. One of the best things my ex ever taught me was how to cry without feeling like my guts were ripping apart in the process–things ending drove that home by necessity.
And yup, time. It’s amazing just how much longer days and nights get all of a sudden. To say nothing of weeks and months. It’s best to use all that time for something other than brooding–a hobby’s a good idea.
Oh, and exercise. If you must brood (and it’s sorta inevitable as well, even though you should try to minimize it), don’t do it sedentarily. Keep healthy, and healing will follow.
We had no kids to fight over so everyone told me that was a plus.
My wife left me. She left and I didn’t know where she was. So I was able to do a divorce pretty much without her. A friend of hers did let her know about the upcoming divorce and she asked for the living room set. I gave it up no problem. I was terribly depressed for about 2 years. I thought I was an idiot for making such a huge mistake on such an important decision like who to marry. She really was a bad idea of a wife. So after sulking and mopeing and crying and sleeplessness I moved on. The hobby idea sounds like a good one I wish I had done something like that.
I am now married to a wonderful woman and I am very happy.
Mine was pretty painless, well from the bureaucracy point of view anyway.
Luckily we were both resident in Finland at the time because here in Ireland you’re looking at years for a divorce to become final. They do however recognise divorces granted by the state in which at least one of the partners is still resident.
Thankfully no kids were involved.
I really cannot begin to imagine the trauma of going through acrimonious custody battles.
Finances were okay too because we forfeited all claims on each other’s incomes and granted each other immunity from past and future debts. We came to an arrangement whereby I continue to pay her rent while she finishes school.
So essentially we signed a series of papers and six months later after the “cooling off” period we were supposedly finally divorced. I went back to Finland a few weeks ago again to oversee the submission of the final documents but unfortunately the woman who might just still be my wife “forgot” to show. I’m unsure of the why or wherefore but am hoping it’s a simple oversight.
There’s a lot to be said for being adult about things when you realise that there is simply no point in continuing to fight and struggle to hang onto something that isnt and cant be there any more. Why prolong your own agony and that of the person you once cared so much for?
I dont mean that fighting to try to save a marriage isnt worthwhile.If there is a chance go for it. Quick divorces are perhaps not the best idea world and can be undertaken in the heat of the moment leading to regret and acrymony.
When its clearcut and just plain over act like the man (woman)you want to be in your new life and realise that you are doing neither yourself nor your partner any good whatsoever by refusing to accept things and being petty about things that really are not so important.
Good luck and stay strong to anyone going through this out there.
Well, I can imagine it as I have two children with my ex wife.
She realized it wasn’t working and filed 3 years ago. It took me a long, painful time to come to terms with what I knew in my heart and be able to move on.
I am profoundly grateful for the way our post marriage relationship has worked out. We are on very friendly terms, probably better now than in the last two years of our marriage!
I see my kids almost every day and I talk to them every day. (well, Spiffled threw a bit of a wrench into that, but all is well )
Anne and I talk on a regular basis and I am able to consider her a friend which is good as we were best friends and the loss of that friendship was the hardest part to take. Hell, we even talk about our dates! ( ok, ok,…her dates as I have not had too many yet ) I am actually proud of how we managed to carry ourselves through this emotional rollercoaster.
The fact that we are both fiercely committed to our kids and their happiness gives us a lot of common ground and is a basis for our relationship (although that is an emotionally loaded word, it is appropriate)
Was it easy to get to this point? Hell no! I spent the better part of two years in a massive depressed funk. I didn’t see a shrink, but I relied on a large number of friends and accquaintances both IRL and at this site. I have my ups and downs but I finally am free to move on with life and it feels great!
I have dated only a very few times since the breakup and I am glad I waited, as I now know what it is I am looking for in another person and I think I may have found just that person.
I wish you the best of luck and know that you are not the only one who feels like you do. Feel free to email me if you ever need to talk, you would be surprised how much it helps to talk out loud to another human being.
I got divorced about 6 years ago, and I second what evryone else has said about taking up a hobby or at least doing something that will a)take up all of that free time when you would otherwise be wallowing in self-pity and b)allow you to meet new people. I started volunteering as a mentor to middle-school kids, and it was great. Not only did it take up those slack hours, but I did something that was good for my community and something that I could feel good about.
I also managed to lose 50 pounds in the year after the divorce- went from a size 14 to an 8. I ran into my ex some time after I’d lost all of the weight and he just about dropped his teeth. Priceless!
I was lucky. I paid off his credit cards, our house, our cars and the divorce. Packed my clothes, my CDs, my books and my dawg in my car and drove around the country for a year.
I realised I had NO idea what I wanted to do anymore. I had this moment of clarity while we were seperated. I was sitting in a restaurant with a book, having just finished a good meal. I put down my cigarette and pondered over whether to go home or stay and read some more. As pitiful as it sounds, I could NOT make up my mind which to do. Not that he thought for me or anything else horrible like that, but I was just so used to being a “we” it was hard for me to only have to pay attention to my opinion.
I just understood then that I had to be an “I” again. A singular, solitary human being. So, I zoned out from the real world for a bit and got back in touch with myself. It was incredibly cleansing for me, and helped me heal much more quickly, I believe.
Just be good to yourself in all the ways you can. Pay attention to your needs. Pamper yourself. Buy stuff your ex would have sneered at. Spend a lot of time with that friend your ex hated. Be good to you.
Thank you all for showing your support and sympathy. I guess even the hardest hearts sometimes need to know they aren’t alone. While garnering sympathy was not my intent in starting this thread, there is something comforting in receiving a few well wishes and kind words from (near) strangers.
All of the suggestions sound viable, and the general consensus seems to be to pick up a hobby or two and try not to brood over things.
Unfortunately, I am a brooder by nature and in addition, I am currently starting a new career driving semi’s solo. In just breaking into the field, I will get stuck with all of the icky routes that have me on the road, alone, on average of about a month at a time.
Any suggestions for a hobby?
Hopefully I’ll be able to overcome my typically introspective nature and make use of constantly meeting new people and seeing new places. Perhaps as Nymysys did, I’ll be able to come to terms with being a singular being again.
Thank you all again for your advice and wisdom, I really do appreciate it.
You could start collecting books on tape and listen to them while you’re on the road. I used to have to make long car trips on a weekly basis and they kept me sane.
Well, let’s see. I dealt with divorce by using anger, recrimination, aching sadness, a profound sense of loss, distrust, melancholy, insomnia, fear, prescription drugs, depression, and uncertainty.
Of course, that might not work for everyone. YMMV.
Between us, we spent enough money on lawyers to put my son through college.
And it all ended up just as I thought it would before the whole deal got started.
I hope you can agree on things before having to battle it out. A long court case is like being flayed alive…with a toenail clippers.
My divorce was as ugly as any you’d care to see and knowing I took the high road helped a lot. Friends and family were great, but don’t discount professional help. My father was a litle upset when I said I was going to see a therapist: he wanted to “fix” my troubles. But he realized that he and my mom and my friends didn’t know how to help me. I couldn’t recover from the emotional abuse I absorbed on my own. My therapist doesn’t love me or try to spare my feelings or feel she has to attack my ex, and I don’t have to censor my words around her. It’s been 5 years since my divorce and 3 since I had regular appointments with Dr.S, but I’ve had a few touchup conversations with her when my damage has started to color my present life. My ex is still ugly but I don’t fear him anymore than I would any other ugly person and I can make better choices about how and why I love now.
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