I'm getting divorced tommorrow, why am I not happy?

The BBQ Pit
#1

Tommorrow I am getting divorced, on our 4th anniversary.
I should be thrilled. He cheated on me with everything that could walk, talk, or breathe in general. Every single one of my close friends has had an “encounter” with him.(which also does not say much about my friends) I feel like I have been dropped into Jerry Springer hell. His Mother was the stereotypical mother-in-law from hell. As some of you may have caught from my other posts I have PCOS, along with making me the bearded lady, also has made it very difficult to have a child. So we started looking into adoption, and all was ok til M-I-L called. She stayed on him about us not adopting a child(because it would not be related by blood) Until he refused to go through with it. Now I realise that he is responsible for his own actions, but damn it she helped! When he would leave the room, she would say whatever she thought would hurt my feelings, and when he would come back she would be June cleaver again. Finally when I started complaining about it, He told me i was making a big deal out of nothing, and that he highly doubted she would even do that anyway.

She did not come to our wedding, and told other family members she would not talk to them if they went. My own husband did not even help at all with the wedding, aside of to pick out the wedding colors, purple and gold. Not because he liked them, But because they were the FUCKING VIKINGS COLORS. I of course did not find this out til later.

To put a cherry on top of that He boned my maid of honor the night before we got married. My 11 cousin saw the whole thing.(more stuff I did not find out til later)

While we were married he was for the most part a good guy, except for the screwing of everything that has chromosomes part.

There is so much that he did that I could spend hours here talking about( i won’t) I know that we are better off far far far apart. So why am I sad? Is it because the last 4 years of my life have been a complete waste? I don’t miss him, even though I miss having someone around. Is it because I have no clue where to go from here? Who knows.

So to myself I say snap out of it, grow a pair of brass ones!

To my ex I say, remember the last time you was here in town and you boned yet another close friend(not anymore) She has herpes, thought you should know.

Which brings me to another point, I will never date anyone that I have to worry about bringing home diseases. I have never had so many damn std tests in my life.

Well thats all I have to say. I don’t feel any better, but I suspect I will later:(

:frowning: :frowning:

#2

What? Snap out of it you say? Sheesh, you’ve been through a nightmare. Give yourself some time to feel miserable. Really, take it easy on yourself. It’s going to hurt for a while, and it will get better, but until then feel as bad as ya need to.

#3

I do know what you are going through…been there, done that…got the t-shirt, burned the video.
I was never so relieved to have it all behind me…
BUT
There is going to be a sense of loss…you obviously loved him at some point (and quit kicking yourself in the ass…it hurts and solves nothing, believe me)
You gave your heart and soul to someone who didnt deserve it. He stomped on it and didnt care who he was hurting.
SHAME ON HIM NOT YOU!!!
You made a mistake in judgement, learn from it and move on.
And, by all means…cry, get drunk, yell, scream…let it out…allow yourself to mourn the death of your marriage. You didnt kill it, but, you still have to grieve the loss of “what could have been”
It hurts like hell right now…{{{{hugs}}}
Head over to the Comfort party, pull up a blankie, and we will take care of you.

Jeanette

#4

By the way, divorce rarely makes anyone happy. But after a while, many are happier. Your life will be better without this guy than it would have been with him. What an awful story.

And…what auntnut said.

#5

All I can tell you is that your feelings are pretty normal. It seemed odd to me when people would congatulate me on getting my divorce. It was a relief, but it was kind of an embarassment, too. I felt failure, not just because I’d gotten a divorce, but because I felt like I’d wasted the last several years in a bad marriage.

But it was the right move. And leaving the past in the past and not dwelling on regrets also is the right move I make every day.

#6

How about “I’d rather be alone than wish I were alone”? Does that help at all? Be good to yourself - if you did all you could, and he didn’t make any effort to meet you halfway, I’d say chalk this one up to experience. And just think, you’ll be single and available now when you meet the love of your life. :slight_smile:

#7

Because it’s the end of a chapter in your life. Parting with anything you’ve been attatched to for years is difficult - even if it’s the deplorable, rotten, all-around shitty family you seemed to have married into.

I’m sorry, and

Good luck.

#8

Cut yourself some slack, girl! Divorce under any circumstances is stressful. You’ve closed a door on a part of your life. It’s a little like a death in the family. It takes a little time and sadness.

May I suggest that you spend Friday and Saturday doing things that are really special for yourself. A facial, a manicure, a bubblebath. A cup of tea or a glass of wine in the bath. Bake some brownies and stay up all night reading a good book and eating through the entire batch! Say a prayer of gratitude. Even be thankful for the lessons you’ve learned.

When the mood strikes you, make a list of all of the things that you would like to do – learn to ski, take riding lessons, learn to speak Spanish.

Your life is your own to do with as you wish. It just takes a little time to start feeling your power.

#9

Divorce, even from a bad situation, does not guarantee happiness or even relief. You have dedicated part of your life to making a relationship work only to realise the effort did not yield good results. There are myriad feelings and emotions that need dealt with, closure if you will.

I filed for divorce on my 25th birthday - oh yay me. It took ages to come to grips with everything and feel good in myself again. Heck, took 4 years before I could even consider dating again. Trust was a big issue from what I’d been through for 5 years before gaining enough strength to do anything about it (adultry plus a bit of abuse).

Give yourself time to heal. Be good to yourself. You’ll find your way eventually.

Feel free to write me if you need to chat or moan.

#10

Yep,

When I got divorced I felt:

Loss: I’d given five years of my life to the jerk and they were gone. I’d never get back the Christmases I spent with his family instead of mine. I also lost what had been - and what could have been.

Failure: Somehow, although I know he is responsible for himself, I still felt the Beauty and the Beast myth pulling on my feelings - if I had loved him enough, he would have changed. I know intellectually that is a bunch of shit, but I still felt it.

Shame: He was a jerk, and I’d missed it. I married him anyway. Now I’d go through live a DIVORCED woman. Some part of me expected the judge to hand me a scarlett letter.

And joy. Whatever was, was. There is only the future. I was free of him.

Best wishes. BTW, my son is adopted, and I have several friends who have adopted as well - including a single friend of mine. Last I checked, several countries were open for international adoption to single women (my friend’s daughter is from Guatamala). Being a single mom isn’t easy, but it is doable and something that, if it is important to you, you should look into. After all, if you’d managed to adopt when your husband was interested - you’d still be a single mom now.

(And be good to yourself. Do all those things he never wanted to do. If he didn’t eat fish, take yourself out to dinner at a good seafood restaurant.)

#11

I didn’t get a divorce, but I did spend about 4 years of my life, when I could have been going out and meeting new guys and learning more about relationships, with my first real boyfriend. He became cold and distant, and I hurt every day trying to figure out what was wrong with me and what I could do to help. Finally after friends of mine got it through my head (and I accepted it as truth) that I deserved better, I dumped him, and it still hurt very badly.

I think Breakup Girl said in one of her advice columns that the trick isn’t to dwell on it as wasted time, but be glad that you have finally left that relationship behind and are able to start again. However, of course it’ll hurt - spend some time grieving over a loss, but know that you did the right thing for yourself and your future.

#12

this is a drive buy post as I am on my way to court, I want to thank you all for your posts. You guys don’t know how much they have helped me this morning! thank you all

#13

{{Deadly Nightlight}}

Everybody deserves better from life and love than this. Remember DN, the best revenge is living well.

#14

A hug from me, too Deadly Nightlight.

I left my husband after 10 years because he was so neglectful. He was not a good husband and I knew I could not be married to him for one more minute.

Having said that, I was SAD when we divorced. I didn’t WANT to be a divorced person. I was sad that I didn’t have the lifelong marriage that I had hoped for. I was sad that my husband had let me down, hadn’t cherished me, respected me, (etc., ad infinitum).

We hugged each other and cried after our divorce hearing.

There’s nothing wrong with being sad. Divorce is a sad thing. Even if you really want it.

I’ve now been divorced for nearly 13 years. I’ve not had one regret. There are still many, many times when I talk to my former husband that I hang up the phone and shudder, thinking how grateful I am that I got out.

Time is on your side and it really does heal all (or most!) wounds.

Good luck!

#15

Hon, when you get back, I think bodypoet would like for you to visit her..

The two times I went through divorce, I felt relief and release from the situations, but guilt etc., especially the first time ('cause of kids). It will be bumpy for a while, but you will be alright. Hang in there ! :slight_smile:

#16

-Kahlil Gibran

If only it were so easy.

My sympathies to you, Deadly Nightlight. My parents got divorced when I was thirteen, and as hard as it was for all of us at the time, it was the best decision my mother ever made.

Daniel

#17

You are not happy because you didn’t want your marriage to end, you wanted the marriage you entered into to work and be happily married for 50 years. Nobody wants to go through a Divorce.

I am sorry he did you wrong and didn’t right by you, hopefully the next time the guy will be the right one.

#18

I would suggest looking at this as a learning experience…this was simply a bump in the road on your way to your Soul Mate. Perhaps this experience has better prepared you for meeting him.

And looking back, be grateful you didn’t adopt a child with this bum. You’d be tied to him for the rest of your life through your child, and your child would have to suffer with a rotten father and grandmother.

Your time and true family will come. Come visit us in The Comfort Party Thread in MPIMS…we’re waiting for you.

It’s the end of one chapter of your life…but the beginning of another.

Good luck…and congratulations.

#19

Ok I will try this again, post got eaten
My hearing thingy got pushed up til this afternoon so it will all be over soon, guess I can always remember what day it is seeing that its on our anniversary LOL

You guys have no clue how much your support means, it has really helped me, And I appreciate it. Thanks

#20

Deadly Nightlight- I agree with the folks who have said you need some time to get over this.

I have been accused of being overly blunt before, so I hope this doesn’t come off as rude but I would ditch some of those friends too…they sound like backstabbers. You deserve friends who help and love you-not losers who make you take friggin std tests.

I hope things start getting better soon. I’m betting they will.