That stupid jerk that I married

Me and my husband, who are now seperated, have issues that need discussing. He never responds to email. Well it was a few days ago that his mother, who I live with temporarily now, informed me that she spoke to him and he appears to be having a nervous breakdown. He’s stressed, sick, puking, shaking, and guilty about what happened with me. Naturally I was concerned, especially about his ability to care for the kids (his, not mine, but I raised them for 2 years.)

So I called him, and found out that it’s his 1st wife, the kids’ mother, that he is having this reaction about. She’s mentally ill and he just realized it now, over 2 years since they divorced. He’s still been in love with her this whole time and if it wasn’t for her sickness he’d still be with her. He has to bail her out of jail and provide a place for her to live. Well he doesnt HAVE to, at all, he WANTS to and is doing so because he loves her. I was apparently nothing more than a pimple to him.

I feel so stupid for loving him so much when it was this other woman he’s loved all along.

You live with his mother?

You raised his kids for 2 years, and he and his ex have been divorced just over 2 years? You weren’t the babysitter or anything, were you?

Did he only find out about his Ex’s illness after the two of you were seperated?

Isn’t it possible that he was, in fact, in love with you but now feels compelled to help the mother of his children during her times of trouble?

Give yourself some credit, girl - I’m sure he wouldn’t have spent two years with you if he didn’t love you and anyway… if he did then that’s his problem, not yours.

I sincerely hope you’ll feel better soon.

Dag nab it, I didn’t realise this was The Pit…


Sorry about not cursing and all that.

You really need to make a clean break of this guy and his family. Do you have family of your own that you could stay with?

I’d also talk to a counselor. It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on that a counselor would help you sort out. Even if you talk to a minister or someone like that, it may help.

Finally, I’d suggest that you get a livejournal. It’ll give you a place to vent and work things out.


His ex wife has always been mentally ill and realized this when he told me about her before. She would break things, beat him up, try to kill him and herself, get heavily depressed and angry wild and sick. However he never believed that what she had was a sickness, he just thought she was pyscho like all women because he thinks all women are psycho.

Now that he believes she has an illness he feels bad for not being a better more understanding husband to her. Now forget that he pushed me into things, threatened me, caused me cuts and bruises, called me horrible names and was never there for me. That doesn’t matter because it’s her he’s in love with.

How this man that I gave up my entire life to be with could so completely turn on me because this woman wrote him a letter saying she loved him kills me. He doesn’t see me anymore, just her. He told me I could never be as signifigant as she is because he CHOSE to have kids with her. So she’s always going to mean more. When I first met him and decided to move to Japan he told me the complete opposite.

He’s sent her money, but told me he has none for me, even though we’re still married and he and her are not.

Then had the nerve to ask if he can divorce me soon because being married to me is a financial burden on him even though he makes more money if he’s married.

He doesn’t want a babysitter, he wants someone to be there for him in case he decides he needs it. he loves being alone but loves the idea of being married. He said ever since his ex he can’t fathom being single. Yet he says being married is too heavy a responsibility for him. Taking care of the kids is meaningless because he doesnt actually have to raise them, he just sticks them in front of a tv and tunes them out. But a wife may actually speak up, a wife might actually want sex which he sees as mankind’s weakness. He doesn’t like sex, but he loves masturbating to internet lesbian port because he can’t deny being a man.

The air force says he’s normal and I’m screwed up. This without really talking to me. They had to prove I was screwed up to send me away from Japan. I hear they’re not as bad at bases in the US, but the overseas ones are notoriously weird and Yokota Air Base (where I lived) has a reputation of being bad in every imaginable way. Despite the pictures of my wounds resulting from him shoving me around, they think I made it all up.

My stupid stupid husband Farty Clutters (his name rhymes with that), who could never even give me five minutes of his time if something horrible happened in my life and I needed someone to talk to.

I want to crawl into a hole and pretend I never heard his name.

Oh and I don’t have anywhere else I could go where things would work out for me, thats why I’m at his mother’s house. Luckily there is a couple here from Yokota who lived in my building and I hang out with the wife a lot.

You need more help than we can give you here. Way more help. You’ve started dozens of threads on here about your situation and gotten loads of well meaning advice. Near as I can tell, you’ve chosen to take none of that advice.

Now you’ve gone too far, IMO. You’ve posted enough information that anyone who knows you husband will easily be able to tell who it is. That was a horrible idea that can easily get you into trouble. If that happens, you’ll probably blame everyone and everything but yourself.

You need to get some therapy. As has been pointed out to you, you can get this for free as a military dependent. You can also get this for free from a battered women’s shelter. Will you please do this and then come back in a little while so you can tell us how well things are going?


What makes you say that things wouldn’t work out for you if you went somewhere else? You don’t have to go back to your parents; you can live in a completely different place.

Of course, if nothing changes, nothing changes.


Honey, this man is a dog. He doesn’t deserve you. He treated you like shit, cheated on you when he had a chance, turned your life upside down, and walked out when the whim hit him.
What if someone treated your best friend this way? What if someone did all of this to your sister or your mother instead of YOU? You’d be pissed as all hell. You’d want her to stand up for herself, get AWAY from the bastard, and then dance on the grave of this sick, sad relationship.
So, treat yourself like you would your best friend. Give yourself that same amount of compassion; allow yourself to feel that angry; demand from yourself that same amount of self-respect and responsibility.
He’s a DOG. He’s proven it beyond all shadow of a doubt. You may love him, but you aren’t going to change him, and you aren’t going to fix him. You have to accept this, just as you have to accept that you are on your own now. A year from now, you’ll be thanking your lucky stars that he walked out on you. Give yourself some room to recover, and don’t let him intrude on that.
There are options for you. You don’t have to choose to live with his mom, and if you do choose to live there, you don’t have to discuss him. Draw some guidelines and stick to them, and get yourself out of there as soon as humanly possible. You certainly qualify for a stay in a shelter for battered women, have you checked out that possibility? Some of them have no time limits–you could stay until you get a steady income and get back on your feet.
Hang in there. If I sound really mean here, it’s because I see you tearing yourself up over someone who doesn’t deserve the time of day, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way.. There is no reward in pursuing ANYTHING with this man. You have to take control of your actions and behaviors–it’s the only way to get through this ordeal with your health and sanity intact.


You must fight his ignorance by teaching him what a financial burden divorce can be.

I agree that you need to get some help to reconcile everything that has happened to you. If you do nothing, you will carry this huge burden around with you forever. Why do you even care what this loser is doing? Let him be the ex-wife’s problem now. Besides, he’ll never tell you if he abused her too. He’ll just tell you how much better she was than you. He’s a master manipulator all around.

I’m sure this guy did love you, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, is that people can only love you in the way they know how. I think sometimes people like the idea of love, but they don’t want the responsibility.

I’m not sure why you’re upset that the Air Force is calling you the screwed up one. Why do you give a damn what these people think? From your other threads, it sounds as if the only thing they did to help you was to get you out of there. If you are screwed up, then it’s only because of that loser.

It still isn’t your fault. What will be your fault is if you do nothing to help yourself. Your life is back in your control, but I’m not sure you realize that yet. There’s fun to be had, people to love and a new life to lead. Either you run with it or you drag the baggage around. I think you’re smart enough to make the right choice.

He pushed you around? Hit you? Get him out of your life NOW. The way i see it, a man says he loves you but then he hits you? i don’t care how minor the injuries, he did it. that isn’t love. Don’t worry about if he loves her more than you or whatever the guy is sounding a bit like a pompous jackass and he is loving the fact that both of you want him. its all a game. don’t play it.

Get a job.

Get out of your mother-in-law’s house.
I hate to say this but quit hanging out with that couple from Japan. You need to break with HIM, HIS FAMILY and the entire UNITED STATES AIR FORCE.