Mrs. ToKnow and I are in the early stages of divorce. So early, in fact, that we’re still sleeping in the same bed. But, this is the road we are on, and it leads to me moving out and her going back to her maiden name. For what it’s worth, we both want very much to get through this divorce amicably and come out the other side as friends.
One of the stops along that road is that I’m going to have to tell my co-workers, who are almost exclusively married women. I’m expecting kind, supportive reactions, because for the most part, they are kind, supportive people, but the fact remains that **Mrs. ToKnow ** is well-liked by my co-workers, and this is bound to cause a certain amount of discomfort.
it’s tricky. Nobody knows what to say - they don’t know if you’re happy about it or sad about it, and even if they do it’s hard to find the right words.
I never told my co-workers because I changed jobs in mid-split, my new co-workers knew me as single.
The few old co-workers I still see I (blush) still haven’t told, and it’s taken so long now that it would be really weird … “Oh by the way, I split from my husband last year.”
In other circles I told a few trusted friends and asked them to play the grapevine. It wasn’t as effective as I had hoped it would be so some people are still surprised by it. Oh well.
It was an amicable split, and I got a lot of shocked and horrified reactions. I found that I was often the one offering reassurances - “It’s okay, we’re still good friends …”
Never been married, but I just left a 7 year relationship. For the most part, I didn’t bring it up at work unless it was relevant, such as someone asking “How’s your girlfriend?”, or “What are you doing this weekend?” I figured the gossip tree would take care of the rest. What I found is that there is no gossip tree here.
I think it’s important to give them a heads-up, and something I didn’t anticipate but ended up needing to tell everyone was that I didn’t expect them to take “my side.” My ex is a great guy, and well-liked, so it was hard news for them to hear and they needed the reassurance that they were welcome to remain friends (or at least friendly) with us BOTH.
I don’t have really good advise, just commiseration. It was harder in many ways to tell friends and co-workers than it was to tell the family (with the exception of the children). It often comes as a surprise to co-workers as they often don’t know as much of your situation as family.
I told most co-workers in the course of conversation when they would ask how my husband was doing. It struck me that I wasn’t being completely honest when I’d say he’s just fine, etc., so I finally told them, “He’s bummed, just like me, since we’re going to get divorced.” Be prepared for them to be at a loss as to what to say. I was a bit stupid, I think, to just blurt it out like that but how on earth do you ease into a conversation like that?
Something I wasn’t prepared for was the friend/co-worker proceeding immediately to try to set me up with someone. And they’re persistent as sin. I’d been told that might happen and didn’t believe it.
I told the people that I work most closely with, and with whom I’m friends, and word sort of got around. I also told my supervisor, just so anything I might have to say in the future might make sense (“Can I take off Friday afternoon to see a lawyer?”)
Those that didn’t hear, I didn’t mind telling – and like some of the others who posted here, many were terribly embarrassed when they thought they’d made a gaff by asking about him, or making other assumptive statements. Nobody ever knows the reasons, and always say that they’re sorry. In my case, I was glad to be getting out and accepted condolences but always said, “it’s OK – it’s a good thing,” which seemed to help people deal with their awkwardness.
I felt somewhat of a responsibility to let people know, since at that time I’d worked here for 16 years and many coworkers knew him.
Yep. If it’s amicable, tell them so. The discomfort arises when people who like you both think they need to take sides. If you’re doing it amicably, then presumably you won’t object if they want to remain friends with you both.
There are divorce announcements in some card stores. You might want to send those or maybe just look at how it’s worded and email a choice few people. I would only mention it to close friends and family. It’ll come up naturally amongst the co-workers and casual acquaintances. I have a friend who just divorced and he announced it in an email. The divorce was not his choice and his ex is remarrying soon. He asked that everyone treat her decision with respect and that they are remaining civil so everyone else ought to do the same.
A couple of very close friends knew about it as it was happening so it was just the final stage in the play-by-play. When it was officially going to happen, I called up the close friends and family to let them know. I told acquaintences as I saw them. Some didn’t find out until over a year later.
I’m always sure to say that the divorce was friendly and that we’re still very close.
Nothing much to add, except that I’m going through a divorce too, and like others have related here, it’s entirely amicable. Tell people that.
Obviously, you’ll want to tell people closest to you first, so they don’t hear it from more distant acquaintances first and feel excluded and offended. We both planned how we’d spread the news, and timed it together, since we have quite a few mutual friends.
It boiled down to a lot of time, in separate rooms, on the phone, trying not to cry as each of us broke the news again and again to our own friends and those mutual friends who we’d mutually assigned to ourselves or the other, in the manner of ripples on a pond.
It’s still too recent to describe more (it’s only been a year, almost to the day, and it still hurts to relive that time), except that every single family member and friend has been totally supportive and often extremely helpful. No taking sides (we’re still in frequent contact with each other), no recriminations or accusations, nothing.
Just remember to tell them that it’s amicable. That sweetens the pill.
Goodness me, I’d hate to go through an acrimonious divorce. It’s bad enough as it is.
Thanks to all for the very good advice, especially about communicating that the divorce is amicable.
I do plan to start today by telling one co-worker (my branch manager, who now is one of my very few good friends but several years ago was the main reason I had to choose between posting here regularly and having a job). I’ve decided not to tell others until I’m moving out, which is also when I’ll stop wearing my wedding ring.
**Mrs. ToKnow ** had asked me to develop a support network to help me through this (it’s a long story, but I have a history of depression, and she worries about me). I guess the SDMB is as good a place as any to start that network. Thanks again!
Well, alas, due to short-handedness at work, I was unable to take my branch manager out to lunch like I had planned and so have to resort to the decidedly less decorous “telling her in the parking lot on the way out of the building” option or wait and tell her some other time altogether.
Oh well, I have it on good authority that even the best-laid schemes gang aft agley.
One day about three months after the divorce was final, the ex came by to visit our dog. It was a nice day so we decided to go down to the beach and take her on a walk together. While we were there, we ran into a couple who were good friends of ours but we hadn’t seen in a while.
Well, telling my branch manager went okay, but probably could have gone better. I opened with “The parking lot after work wasn’t really where I wanted to tell you this, but …” She immediately shouted out “OH SHIT NO!” but it turns out she just thought I had another job and was leaving her. I calmed her down about that, assured her that this was something she didn’t see coming, and just put the news out in the air.
I was afraid for a minute that she was going to have a heart attack. She put her hand to her chest and stumbled a little, but then steadied herself. She was less inquisitive than I had expected, but every bit as kind and supportive. We talked for a bit, and I assured her that this is something we both want to come through as friends, etc. The heart attack part was the “probably could have gone better part,” everything else was the “okay.”
I left afterward to spend a night at my mom’s and tell her that indeed this is going to happen. A few weeks ago I had told her that this was coming. It was completely unexpected, to tell the truth: I was visiting, and we were talking about something when I just started crying and had to tell her. So, now she knows that it’s actually going to happen, and she’s angry at me and disappointed in me, but I know it comes from a good place and we’ll work through it.
off-topic anecdote, inspired by KneadtoKnow’s story.
A number of years ago, Dad found out that he was being offered a job in a far-off city. He could have turned it down, but it might have meant that he would no longer be working for the company that employed him, so he opted to accept the job. It was like, October or November, when he found out it was a strong possibilty, and more like January before we knew for sure, and most people didn’t find out till late January or later. (We moved in July).
Anyway, during the time when the move was a distinct possibility, but it wasn’t yet official, Mom’s friend Susie called. Mom was obviously upset, but told Susie she couldn’t talk about it.
So, time passes, the move becomes official, and Mom calls Susie and says “We’re moving. Far, far away”
Susie says “Oh, thank heavens”
Mom: “Huh?” (thinking, that’s not how everyone else has responded).
Susie: “Well, I knew you were really upset about something, so I was afraid you had cancer or were getting a divorce or something. Now I know it’s just that you are moving. I don’t want you to move, but it beats the alternatives”