How did your home living situation change as you got into your senior years

In My Humble Opinion
41

This may be a matter of terminology not being standardized all around the country or world. What you describe is exactly what much (most?) of the USA calls “independent living”, not “assisted living”.

In “assisted living” as the term is defined here in FL and other states, a staffer walks into your unlocked kinda-like hospital room, minus the beeping medical gear, every hour to check on you. They feed you your meds on their schedule. They probably spoonfeed you your meals, also on their schedule. And accompany you on whatever little walking with assistive devices you’re able to do. The only time you’re alone is in bed. Which is where you are most of the day.

There’s a vast gulf in quality of life between the two. And clearly somebody who needs the level of life management that my definition of “assisted living” provides, could not possibly survive on their own in the situation your parents have.


Last things first.

They aren’t the sorts of places I wish to live in either. But I don’t get to choose my end-trajectory. I may be dead just after hitting [Send] on this post. Or I may be fine to age e.g. 88 then unable to walk for the remaining 10 years of my time on earth. My goal now is to have a variety of plans at least thought about, so that increasingly lazy senile me isn’t suddenly or slowly confronting a completely new world I know nothing about and haven’t even thought about.

If I’m too infirm to safely cross the street, I’d kind of like having a restaurant in the same building I can dodder to within a couple hundred feet. And all indoors, especially for folks in snow country.

If I turn out to develop Alzheimer’s, or simply outlive most of my brainpower, well, something is going to happen with my still kinda intact body. I want a plan for that possibility too.

Simply wishin’ and a hopin’ it won’t happen to you is not a plan. Well, it is a plan; a plan to fail. Unless you have the extreme good fortune to drop dead while still quite spry. But if that happens, you also missed out on at least several would’ve-been-good years. This game sux; the only way to win is not to play.

That is a large question worthy of a large post I’m not going to write right now. Let me put this down as a marker for that. In many ways, you’re right that there’s not much difference.

As long as you’re mentally together enough to make and use those arrangements. Really old people become not only more stupid, but less ambitious and unable to make even simple decisions, despite understanding the need to do so and the alternatives on offer.

A problem with any arrangements you may make, e.g. bill paying, or home help, or prescription delivery, is that nothing you set up stays set up. Everything needs occasional attention if for no other reason than your vendors are always “improving things for your convenience.” A quality IL facility takes care of many of those things.

42

There is no standard definition - but generally speaking, from what I’ve seen assisted living includes services that independent living does not. They may help someone dress or bathe or assist them in taking medication. They might need help eating, so spoonfeeding is a possibility but the places where you might be in bed all day except when staff helps you walk around - those are nursing homes. And you only might be in bed all day- when my father was in nursing homes (short stays) they always had a dayroom and activities and he would only be in bed during the day if he wanted to be. He could basically get a “day pass” for family events. Plenty of people are in nursing homes who do not need constant medical care but do need more assistance than an assisted living facility can provide.

Independent living generally does not provide assistance with activities of daily living. They may provide meals and housekeeping and transportation but they generally don’t go any further. If a person needs help bathing, dressing, eating,toileting or transferring from a wheelchair to a bed/toilet/chair or managing their medication, they won’t get that in independent living. They don’t generally market themselves as “independent living”. They’re “luxury senior housing” or a “senior residence” or somehting like that.

Your earlier definitions missed the middle option - the people who need help for an hour or so a day to bathe and dress or who need to be reminded to take their medication. I’m not sure if that perhaps doesn’t exist in Florida, but it does here.

43

This was in the greater Jacksonville Fl area where I researched several similar facilities all described as Assisted Living.

If one needed help with toileting, eating, or showering, the facility would coordinate with direct care staff at an extra cost. This was to enable people to age in place without going to a skilled nursing facility
They did not provide nursing care for bedridden individuals.

They also allowed pets, lady next door to my folks had a catio!

My MIL was in IL,she bought into it and had to have her finances pass muster. It was luxe. She had covered parking for her car, her own large apartment that she kept up herself, and a meal plan. She was on her own. There were safe guards or alarms she could pull if she needed help. It was a large facility where one could transition from IL to AL to skilled nursing. Dementia care was a separate wing.

44

For those of us discussing stairs in our current home and how we might have to move when we’re older: how about those stairlift things? I don’t know how much they cost, but I’d be willing to bet they cost less than the total of a realtor’s fee, moving expenses and related expenses if you sold and moved.

45

Good point.

I have a friend with Parkinson’s who just spent a fortune remodeling their waterfront home. Rather than move they got an elevator. (not this brand, something a little fancier, but the same idea)

Home Elevators and Residential Elevators from Stiltz Home Lifts

46

They do cost less, but my parents got one after my father had a couple of strokes. It was a two family house , with a wider stairway than I normally see in a single family house , and it was still a huge pain to get up and down the stairs with laundry or groceries or anything else. And that was waking next to the track- it might have been impossible to sit on the chair with laundry or groceries in your lap.

47

That’s basically what our place is. It’s apartment-style living, which is quite different from the usual 55+ facilities where you are crammed into a tiny room with a bed and a chair. Ours is nearly 1,000sf, very quiet. We have a weekly cleaner, can get meals delivered, or just use Uber for restaurant food, or cook our own. There is a building-owned 12 pax van that will take people to medical appointments, grocery shopping, and on “outings” to cultural events or restaurants or whatever. We rarely use that, as I still drive. All maintenance and repairs are done by the in-house maintenance staff.

The problem with waiting until something catastrophic happens is that you may not be able to take care of things like selling your home, moving all your crap, etc. If you have people/family who are reliable and who will come to your aid, it’s one thing. Otherwise, you can wind up someplace you don’t want to be.

48

That is what my parents had. As I recall, theirs was a 2 bdrm with a LR and kitchenette. In your experience, how does such a place in an assisted living facility differ from/constitute an improvement over just renting a small apartment. I’m assuming the rent is pricier.

Where my parents were, it required that people be (what I will call) independent. AFAIK, they did not provide any medical care or recurring in-unit assistance. Pretty sure you could have your own aides come in. And there were things like emergency buttons. But, other than housekeeping, prepared meals, and the van available for local trips, I’m not sure how it was better than an apartment.

Personally, I do not anticipate a desire to participate in a bunch of organized group activities. And I’m not a terribly social person such that I need to be around a bunch of people - especially of the sort I’ve encountered in eldercare facilities.

49

The aforementioned meal service is important for those who don’t/can’t cook, as is the weekly housekeeping and van.

There is a group rate for cable/internet that is significantly less than for a home.

Underground parking.

Medical assistance is available from contracted personnel, if needed or desired.

Maintenance is provided, major or minor.

24-hour concierge/security.

Yeah, it’s expensive.

We could certainly have been fully functional in an apartment and paid less. But how many times do you want to move? It only takes one accident, or a debilitating illness to make an apartment untenable. This place is more like an apartment building than an old-folks home. There aren’t many like this left out there. Most of them are mills that rely on bullshit fees and quick turnover to turn a profit.

50

My mom! Crumbling mansion (think Grey Gardens), but “The Lord will just take me when it’s time.” She’s squandered almost all of her once-vast fortune and has literally no other provision for anything, except that she seems to think I will leave my spouse (who she hates) and quit my job and come take care of her in her beautiful mansion, any day now. Completely delusional, yet sharp as a tack when she wants to be, so there’s no question of legal incompetence or me “making” her do anything.

She’s going to be just slightly unhappy when she’s got no options left except a Medicaid nursing home, if we have Medicaid by then. She has no fear of that, because The Lord Will Take Her When It’s Time.

But yeah, if I’m honest, I don’t have much of a plan for my own last days either.

51

That’s all cool, and I’m very happy you found what works for you. My thinking, re: the points you mention:

  • I have no problem cooking, and my wife and I eat very simply. Happy to make rice and beans, baked potatoes, fresh fruits and veggies, PBJs, etc until I drop dead. Food can be delivered. I could hire housecleaning and Uber.
  • I have enough $ that cable/internet won’t break me. Costs like internet/Uber/housecleaning would likely be offset by lower rent for a simple apt.
  • I’m assuming that when I’m decrepit enough to worry about these sorts of things, I oughtn’t be driving. IMO, too many old folk are on the road. I don’t need to contribute to that. And plenty of apts have covered parking.
  • Yeah - I don’t know about the medical assistance thing. What sort of assistance do you use/anticipate needing?
  • I would favor an apt over a condo to avoid maintenance.
  • Why do you need a concierge/security? If that is a concern, there are apts w/ doormen.
  • Re: how many times do you want to move - are you planning on dying in your current unit, or is this one of those places where you move from floor/building to floor/building until you are finally hauled out the back in a hearse? Or will you get increased care in your current unit? Because most of the “progressive” facilities I’ve been aware of would involve moving from unit to unit. Not much different from the need to move from an apt if I cared to - which I don’t anticipate caring to do.

Another weird aspect is the facilities that require buy-ins or other contracts, and then go bankrupt or pose other hurdles (on your survivors) after you die.

Thx for the discussion.

52

Who knows? At age 78, anything can happen. They don’t provide full assistance here on the medical plan. The guy next door to us has his vitals checked every day and they come to give him his meds. They do NOT have different floors for people, and when someone gets to a point where they can’t take care of themselves or dementia starts setting in, management calls their contacts and tells them it’s time to make changes to a full-care facility.

The concierge is there to respond to any emergencies that may arise. If someone takes a fall and yanks the alarm cord, it sounds at the lobby station and they can either contact the duty nurse or call an ambulance. This place is located in a very wealthy area, but that doesn’t mean there couldn’t be someone who wants to get in.

Well, I’ve learned not to plan on anything. I’ve been on the move my entire life. When we moved back to Alaska I thought “well, this is it”. Two moves later, here I am in MN. While I would not want to move again, who the hell knows? Although at my age, my energy is much lower than it used to be and inertia has set in. The idea of packing out is more than I can deal with.

Yeah, I’ve heard about places like that. Assholes, all of them. And the buy-in is very expensive.

53

If I lived in a place like that I’d move. Not because of the lack of availability of Lyft, but because you likely don’t have close by neighbors, which can be a problem, and also because you are probably far away from medical care. I’m within 15 minutes of an ER and my clinic, and while I have had no life threatening emergencies so far, I have no incentive not to go to the doctor because it is hassle free. And my clinic is also close to the library.

54

This. Trying to age in place in ruralia, edge-quasi-burbia, nice uppercrust burbia, working class burbia, inner rough burbia, nice city, or crap city, are very different experiences.

It’s darn hard if your whole-life healthy experience is in a place that’s elderly-infirm unfriendly.

55

Well, my wife and I at 64 years old, moved in April of '25.

We will retire in a few months.

The big part was getting out of the very, very high Colorado Mountains. The snow just became too much to deal with. Also, I started having health issues from the lack of oxygen. And a big concern that EMS could reach us at certain times of the year.

So, suburbia,here we come. But we have 1/3 of an acre that backs up to open space and a dog park. That’s huge for us. We come from a place where you could not see another house from our house. We also upsized from 1700 sq. ft. to 3700 sq. ft. But let me explain…

We love each other very much, but we realize that as we will both be at home much, much more, we need our space.

We play a lot of chess, cards and now, darts. Classic rock all the way.

My cousin (and really dearest friend) is disabled. But she is a fantastic piano player. Been playing since she was a young child. I’m buying an electric piano, my cousins is in storage and she cannot get to it.

My Wife also wants to tinker on the piano. Hmm. I might give it a shot myself.

Oh, and at elevation, we never had a garage. The struggle to get snow off your car was not fun. My Wife and I each have our own heated 2 car garage. They are connected. Mine has plenty of room for my tools, I don’t have to trudge through snow to my shed anymore.

I’m sorry if I sound like I’m bragging, it’s not. It’s joy that you hear in this post.

56

I have followed your saga for ~5 years. I have nothing but joy for your life-affirming changes as you ease into the next chapter.

The harm comes from pretending one can live as an e.g. 50yo until one’s inevitable death.

Would that we all were wise enough to clearly read the signs along the road ahead as you both have.

57

I shall now call you aibrubus.