This is a question, but i’m looking for opinions of actual doms/subs to answer this. How do you flirt? It seems to me that people tend to flirt in a way that matches their sexual preferences - so a misogynist, for example, would be very condescending when flirting, thought this is a bad example. It seems to me that Doms would tend to come on very strongly, and that Subs would tend to not make their feelings known so obviously, which could in both cases be a problem. On the other hand, if you’re very dominating in your flirting, you’d probably tend to attract subs who enjoy that. Or, I could be pulling this all out of my ass.
At any clubs I’ve been to which are BDSM themed the way people dress is usually a good indication of their being a Dom or Sub. Flirting was mostly humorous lines with slight role play.
Sub chat up line “Would you allow me the privilage of buying you a drink?”
Dom chat up line “If you are good, I might get you a drink” or more forcefully “If you are good I’ll allow you to get me a drink.”
Outside a themed club I doubt dominance or submission come up much, though you would look for appropriate traits in anyone you might flirt with.
I agree with Bippy, it depends on the context. If I know that someone is a sub, I’ll approach them in a different way than if I was just flirting with a random stranger. Environment and timing are everything.
In my experience, it makes no difference. I’ve had a number of girlfriends and an ex-spouse who were very submissive, and if anything they were more aggressive in the flirtation stage, and very ready to initiate romantic or sexual contact (for example, making a pass at me, or going down on me as I was half-asleep). Usually after something like a relationship develops, they’ll talk about their preferences. It wouldn’t be a good idea to bring it up with people who aren’t established as trustworthy.
For the same reason, I think, that we’re pickier about who we date than about who we’re friends with. Or another example-- you’d want to have ridden around with someone before you planned to drink and let them drive you home in your car!
In other words, I’m pretty flirty, verging on pushy, when I meet someone I think might be interesting enough to date-- because I’m also checking to see if they’re smart enough to be safe, creative enough to be fun in bed, and the other stuff that’s important for bedpartners and not so important for friends. If a guy’s eyes get all glazed over and he starts getting stupid just because I get a little flirty and throw some innuendo around, I don’t think he’s man enough to handle a real live naked me in bed and do anything that we’re both going to enjoy.
This part may be based on personal preferences only-- I’d rather go after the guys I want instead of being chased by guys who want me, for a few reasons. One, I think a Dom who’s been approached is more comfortable taking the initiative, because it makes them feel better about the definite consent of their partner (compare “would you like me to spank you?” to “I’d like you to spank me”-- which would you think indicates the person who wants a spanking more?). Two, I think I get a better choice by not limiting myself to those who are willing to approach me. Three, hi Opal!
I don’t like guys who flirt in an aggressive way-- I may be interested, but I like to say that for myself, not have it assumed! S is for “submissive,” not “stupid” or “silent” after all.
No offense to you **Revenant ** but you are making the fairly typical assumption that submissives are somehow completely submissive. We are not - the majority of subs appear to have good, often high-powered jobs and are more than capable of taking care of themselves in what we term ‘vanilla’ society. When a sub is submissive she will likely only be that way to certain people. In general we flirt just like most other people flirt.
It is true that on BDSM message boards there will be more ‘subbie’ style flirting/teasing - but that’s often joking around. I dunno if you have to be an insider to get the jokes.
If you are looking for good info in this area you might like to google for the encyclopervia or for Tanos’s websites. These have good definitions are are helpful to newbies and outsiders. Iffen you want more info about good informational sites then lemme know
Except I think that’s more masochist and sadist…the sub/Dom version goes like:
sub: Please beat me.
Dom: Of course, darling. When I feel like it. In the meantime get on the floor, it’s been a hard day and I need to put my feet up.
Anyway, as I think has been noted…it’s not that Doms are going to come on strong and subs are going to be quiet (not at all, sitting back and watching a sub beg is perfectly Domly behavior ). subs can be very…let’s say articulate about their desires. Good Doms tend to like that.
If there’s a difference I suppose it’s that you’re starting with an established sexual base…you have SOME idea of what the other person wants. Which is fun! But basically it’s the same as any flirting…I like what I know so far, let’s see what else…
Fair enough. I didn’t think that all subs/doms are that way all the time - just because we may like something sexually/relationship wise doesn’t mean we act that way all the time. But I did assume that flirting, being pretty sexual-based, would be different for doms/subs. Point taken.
And thanks, everyone, for your experiences (although I think Least Original User Name Ever’s heart may be broken )
damn these non gender specific screen names…we really need “male” and “female” next to these things…
i see it happen all the time…and it didn’t take me long to get the old “gender bender”
…i’d say it’s bruised…can i still buy you flowers?
…this is kidding on my part. let’s not get blood flowing, fella.
and…um…when i said “make mad, passionate love” i meant…go to the fridge and get me another one of them drinks…while you’re up…
…and while the football game is on…
As an adjunct to my last reply i probably should have mentioned…
That’s not to say we don’t have a D/s element to some of the flirting. If you get your rocks off on a particular thing then teasing and flirting around that can be very pleasant. It’s just that we do ‘vanilla people’ things too
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