Jesus, this sounds so high school… Mods, I consider this a poll, so I put it here. If it sounds more like MPSIMS, please move it. Thank you.
After going through some personal stuff and living like a hermit lately, people have begun trying to draw me out in to the world again. So, of course a situation like this pops up.
A friend who I haven’t talked to in four months (he’s been busy, I’ve been a hermit) turns up Wednesday and drags me out of the house. We catch up and have a good time. He invites me to go with a group of his friends to the movies, dinner, hanging out, etc. out of town on Sunday. Kind of an all day thing. Sounds promising, I say I’ll think about it, see how tired I am from work Saturday, and let him know.
Thursday morning a friend, who I talk to just about every day, e-mails me suggesting we go to dinner soon. She’s had a rough time of things lately, worse than I’ve had, but we’ve supported each other. I say “sure, we both need it.” She e-mails back, " How about Sunday night?" Yikes.
There is no way I can do both, so I have to choose. He asked first, but she is probably my closest friend in the world. I don’t want to hurt either person’s feelings. But there’s a sticking point:
They used to date each other a few years back. It ended badly, and there is still some bad blood, especially on his side. So if either knows that I picked one over the other, I could really hurt a friendship that I value. I am closer to her, but he did ask first. So who should I choose?
If you tell her “Saturday doesn’t work, how about sunday,” I doubt if her life will be destroyed. I think you’re stressing WAY too much about this. You’re not “choosing between friends” (a ridiculous concept.) Grown people are aware that other grown people sometimes have other plans or obligations. No need to go into detail about your other committments if you think it will be uncomfortable. Set a date, and have fun with your friends!
I would ask her to lunch instead or a late night dinner after seeing the guy.
Frankly, IMHO you have put yourself in the middle of them & you did know this beforehand, so as
with most things in life, I think you should make a choice & see what happens.
Why not just tell her, “Sorry, I’m busy that night. Can we do it Tuesday night?” (Or whatever night is available to you.) You don’t need to tell her why you’re not available on Sunday.
Or, since you didn’t definitley commit to doing stuff with him, and it doesn’t sound like it will ruin his plans if you don’t show up, just tell him that you’ve decided to pass, “but let’s definitely get together another time.” Again, he doesn’t need to know why you’re not coming.
a Scheduling issue - speak directly to the issue, as the above posters have suggested. Be forthright and natural, as you would with any friend. They should understand and be fine with it; if not, that is their problem.
a “mentioning who is involved leading the the scheduling issue” issue - don’t mention who is involved; it is that simple. You don’t owe that much of an explanation, and it would obviously complicate things. You may not like the thought of having to do #1 and wish you had a clearly strong rationale for why you need to re-schedule, but the bottom line is that you need to be able to look someone in the eye and say “hey I need to re-schedule” and do it in a way that makes it clear that: a) it’s just a simple thing; b) we are still very much friends and I want to be with you, just not at that specific time; and c) its really none of their business beyond that.
I’m sorry, but I can’t understand people who get all “You’re still friends with X? Well, then I don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”
AFAIC, no matter what water is under the bridge, you have a right to be friends with whoever you desire. And people who are true friends will respect that right, even if they don’t necessarily like it.
OK, so you don’t have to tell her who you have plans with. I just hope that IF she happens to find out later that she doesn’t have a hissy fit over it.
I agree with everyone else, but if you still think “choosing” between the two is going to be a problem, just tell both of them that you would rather stay home or something on Sunday. Perhaps then you can have more say about scheduling another time to hang out with both friends.
Well, since the first friend invited you to go out with a group of his friends turning that down should not be a big deal. It’s not going to ruin his day. You also did not commit to the outting so you have an easy out. “I’m tired”.
On the other hand, she seems to be a closer friend. And it sounds like she could use a friend at this time.
Try changing the day you meet her and if that doesn’t work, stay home. Everyone else is right about the fact that you should be able to have both of them as friends with no fuss. That’s a nice theory, but in real life it doesn’t work out that way very often.
1)I personnally would meet the friend who is in trouble regardless to whom aked me first to go out. A friend who needs some support is more important than keeping a schedule.
I always firmly dismissed any hint that I should “choose” between two friends. there’s no way someone will dictate who I’m going to befriend. If there’s a raging war between two friends, that’s their business, not mine. If someone can’t accept that I’m still on friendly terms with someone else they don’t like, he/she’s free to choose not to see me again. It will be his/her decision, not mine. And it will only prove he/she didn’t really value my frienship at the first place. This would also apply to a gf who would have an issue with me seeing my friends (including exes). Nobody is obliged to love people I love, but nobody has any right to ask me to sacrify a friend, either.
Wow. Since I’m planning on moving soon, I have a lot of friends that I’m trying to coordinate getting together with. An older artist couple and I have been trying to plan our gettogether for almost a month now, and they only live 5 minutes down the street. Work and planning get in the way for me, her painting and the fact that they’re opening the gallery in a month get in the way for them. We’re not ‘choosing’ work over our friends, we know we all have commitments. There’s no way I’m going to throw a tantrum if I call and she’s busy - I won’t interrupt while she’s on a roll on the canvas!
You, dear, seem to have plenty of time at your disposal take your time and make your commitments as they suit YOU. If you have to delay a couple o days for one of your friends, that just means you have something to look forward to for those couple of days!
take your time and make your commitments as they suit YOU. If you have to delay a couple o days for one of your friends, that just means you have something to look forward to for those couple of days!