A friend of mine–actually, he’s a former high school/college transfer course instructor–called me this weekend. He expressed an interest in “getting together” the weekend of Sept. 16-17. I agreed, but after I did I realized what a mess I had gotten myself into.
He wants to do more than just go out to lunch–he wants to visit the campus of the college I attend, several bookstores, museums, etc. He’s a great friend, but I have a certain number of obligations every weekend–studying, church activities, and so on.
He lives in Wilmington, NC, and I live in Raleigh; understandably, ANY trip he makes to Raleigh will involve him getting a hotel room overnight–the drive back is just too much at night. But I feel bad knowing that he’s probably paying for that room and planning to see me the whole time when in fact I’m only going to be able to see him for lunch one day.
I tried to talk him out of it; I even told him several times that the only day I knew for sure I would be free would be Sunday. But he keeps talking about having dinner Saturday. Right now, I feel like my only option is to wait until he arrives and calls from his hotel, and explain that I have a church group meeting/dinner Saturday and a study group meeting Sunday, so the only free time I have is Sunday at lunch.
Sorry the post was so long–I guess I just needed to get that off of my chest. Can anyone offer me any advice?
Call him and go over your schedule for the weekend. Then say “if you want to get together for lunch on Sunday, that’d be great. Other than that, I am already booked up.”
How important are your meetings and church group? Are they on-going/every week affairs, or are you involved in planning an upcoming event or studying for a major test? If it’s an ongoing/every week thing - could you not have someone take notes/send a tape recorder?
How good a friend are you to let someone spend money and travel all that way only to be told, ‘gee, I have other plans and obligations I neglected to tell you about’?
Okay, three questions.
How would you feel about driving a few hours and spending money for overnight accomodations, looking forward to meet a friend and have a good time, only to be told that something else (other than a broken ankle or death in the family) was more important than you and your ‘friend’ was too gutless to tell you that “gee, this weekend was 'just not convenient”? You’d be sitting in your hotel room ($$$) in a strange city watching HBO movie of the hour wondering how good of a friend you had.
I am normally do not rip into people, but it’s a lot easier and less expensive to change plans ahead of time.
Be honest. Either change your plans (friendship sometimes involves sacrifices) or let him know flat out that weekend is not possible. Don’t wait until the last second when he is already in town.
For the heck of it, change all your plans, drive to Wilmington, take a hotel room overnight and sit in the hotel all day, then meet him for lunch. Then have him tell you he can’t meet you for lunch. Then drive home. And think.
Well, thank you both…I’m feeling a little silly for having started this thread, but…
Though I was unsuccessful in explaining my schedule to him during the initial phone call, I’m definitely going to call him again and explain the problem. But I’m afraid the same thing is going to happen…he’s going to try to reschedule for another whole weekend after I explain that I’m only free for one day. The major problem is the drive—it’s a long way for both of us, and it would be easiest if we could meet at some halfway point, but he really wants to come to Raleigh.
Please don’t think I’m some kind of ‘living-in-my-mom’s-basement’ kind of person—I do have social skills. But I’ve never encountered this kind of problem in any of my friendships before, and I’m not really sure how to handle it. I’m really afraid to just drop everything and spend the weekend with this person though.