My step daughter is approaching 18 and has finished a short course at college in June.
Since then she has showed no signs of going on another course or of getting a job.
We have stopped giving her money and this hasn’t bothered her, we have also said that once she turns 18 there will be no more holidays and this hasn’t bothered her either.
We have tried to persuade her to get a job, but to no avail, she seems content to sit in her room watching t.v. One of her school friends is doing A levels has a car and a part time job and when we tried to use her as an example were told, “but she’s wierd”.
We even changed the password on the computer so she can’t spend all day surfing the net.
Any advice anyone could give as to how to instill some kind of work ehtic in her would be appreciated. It’s not like she’s in a house where no-one works, both my wife and I go out to work.
Tell her once she turns 18 she is an adult and will be expected to contribute to the household. If she can’t do that financially, she will have to work for her keep. That might give her something to think about.
Talk to her. Its terrifying being an 18 year old, often you have no idea what to do with your life. 18 is “adult” in law only, she is still very young and guidence may help.
“Get a job” “go to university” is no help when you have no idea what the hell you want to do.
My mom did the ol, “You can stay here free as long as you’re in school. After that, you’re telling me you consider yourself an adult, and adults pay rent.” Age was irrelevant, it was whether or not I was in school.
Also, what **AK84 **said. Talk to her. Could she be depressed, or scared? Help her figure out what she wants to do, and reassure her that she doesn’t have to have her *career *goals figured out yet, but she does have to find a job she can stand going to every day, or classes, or both.
Is she depressed? I ask because I was, at that age, and I’m sure it looked like laziness to my parents. In fact, it was paralysing terror that I was going to make the wrong choice with what to do and thereby fuck up the rest of my life. Plus some other issues going on. It might be worth double checking something similar’s not an issue for your daughter.
Assuming she’s ok, has she got other siblings that you could either point to as an example, or suggest that she get her act together in order to provide an example for? You might find that once the reality of not having any money at all sinks in, she’ll remedy the situation herself, too, once summer is over and everyone else goes off to uni, or back to college, or off to work.
Thanks for the help so far, sadly we’ve already tried both of these approaches and the responses have been:
“I don’t want to help around the house”
and
“Why would I want a job I have some money” (in a savings account). She has no idea what she wants to do, which I can sympathise with, I didn’t either at that age. But no one is asking her to commit to a job for life, just to get a part time job or something, anything, to get used to getting up and working. I stacked shelves in a supermarket while at college, it wasn’t what I wanted to do, but I wanted money so I did it.
She says she wants to be a model, which is possible as she is tall, slim and pretty, but while she is applying to modelling agencies we feel that she should get a job to be able to pay for travel to wherever any modelling work she may (or may not) get takes her. Also she needs to have a backup plan in case the modelling does not work out.
I think kids were more realistic in my generation. We don’t want to put her off the idea of modelling, but she has not even condsidered the possibility of not succeeding.
I think fear has something to do with it, the youth of today (in the UK anyway) seem much more self confident than those of my generation, but dig a little below the surface and you see that it is all a front.
We have told her that if she studies we will support her and that if she doesn’t she has to work, the problem is that we are running out of ways to make her go out and look for a work.
Let go of the trying to force her to find work for work’s sake. Start charging rent. Seriously. She doesn’t need money because she has savings? Fine. She needs to start paying X amount of rent or move out by Y date. Be crystal clear and firm. She’ll get a job or she’ll spend down her savings, necessitating a job at a later date.
If you feel guilty about taking her savings, you can always put the money aside to return to her at a later date. Do NOT let her know you are doing this, however.
Have you considered removing the TV from her room? Presumably you and wife pay the licence fee, electricity, etc. If she doesn’t want to contribute to the household now she’s an adult, she doesn’t get to enjoy the privileges of that household - it’s basic board only!
I know it might sound harsh, but she has no real incentive to go out and do anything if staying at home is too pleasant.
You need to stop letting her make the rules. She’s 18 and doesn’t help around the house? You’re about 14 years too late to start instilling a work ethic. It doesn’t mean you can’t get there, it just means it’s going to be a lot harder and it’s going to take time.
Start charging rent now. Stop doing her laundry, cooking for her at any time other than family dinners, buying special food for her and running her errands. She won’t change when she’s comfortable, so bad as it makes you feel you’ve got to make the current situation uncomfortable.
If it make you feel better put the money she’s payin you for rent into a separate account and give it to her when she moves out/goes back to school/gets married. Whatever milestone YOU choose. Also, don’t tell jeer this part or she won’t take paying you seriously.
Seriously. She needs a harsh reality check and is being flatly disrespectful to your household. She is assuming that you will back her up because you you always have. Give her a month to find employment, or secure housing elsewhere. At the end of the month,(when she’s done nothing), move her shit out to the curb. There will be tears. She will learn to adapt.
Or become a crack addict and start selling her body.
While I agree that you probably need to be much more firm on the issue (everyone has listed solid suggestions, I needn’t add to it), I don’t think THAT is the way to go about it…
Seriously. You are very late in starting this pesky thing called a “work ethic”. A work ethic just cannot be switched on or off. Now, after years of coddling and letting her do nothing, she is expected to contribute and well, she doesn’t want too. Who can blame her? What you have is an 18 year old toddler. Congrats.
She does some work around the house, e.g. drying up the dishes and changing her bed linen etc. Other jobs she does on an ad hoc basis, but not usually without some arguments.
She tends to do it eventually.
We have considered taking the tv away and charging rent and saving it up, in fact that was our plan all along, but sadly she has not actually been able to earn money for us to put aside for her (without her knowledge of course).
She is the eldest so has no role models to follow, luckily her younger sister (10) is made from different stuff and is happy tio help out, so we should only have to go through this once.
I agree that we have probably made life too easy for her so far, no excuses, but maybe we’ve left it a little late. Like I said we’ve done things differently with the younger one and she is turning out ok.
I agree that she needs to be made uncomfortable enough to sort herself out. My Dad suggested the same thing as Acid Lamp, put her stuff in the garden and change the locks. I think this is a bit harsh at present, but this may change. for now we are going to tell her that if she isn’t working by the time she’s 18 she’ll lose her bedroom and her sister can have it instead (we have a 3 bed house, but the youngest has a small room, from 18 that is where the eldest will be).
Thanks for all the comments so far, sorry I’ve not got time to respond to each one individually.
I am not a parent. I was however an 18 year old not 7 years ago.n I had good parents, very good. I am sure you are too. But the fear of that age is very real and something that adults are so far removed from that they cannot really symphatize, despite their efforts. I know my parents found it hard with me, and they are finding it hard with my sister as well.
Do you have any older children who could talk to her, or failing that cousins, or even friends? Since they can emphatize a lot more. Talk to her teachers at school if she had an aptitude for something.
Until 18 you have your life fairly well charted out, you go to school, take lessons, give exams and thats about it. Now she has choices and decisions you make, about life, career etc. It is a huge change.
This is pretty much what I would do but I would give her a bit more time and warning. Go around to all of the local restaurants and shops and collect job applications. Collect advertisements for apartments and room rentals. Put them all in a folder. Sit her down and explain to her that you understand that she doesn’t want to work. Very few people want to work and fewer people still have jobs that they love but that doesn’t change the fact that she needs to eat. Hand her the folder and explain that she is no longer allowed to live in your house as of January 1st, 2011. Explain that she needs to have a new place to live and a job before then because you are having the locks changed at your house as of the new year. On the first of each month ask her about her job search. On the 15th of each month ask her about her apartment search. On the 20th of December if she has made no attempt to find a job or apartment go pick up some cardboard boxes and garbage bags and stick them in your garage or closet. On the 31st of December if she still hasn’t made an attempt to find anything give your younger daughter $50 and tell her to take her sister to lunch and a movie or something and pack up all of your oldest daughter’s crap and put it outside under a tarp. Include in the stack of her things a small box with some canned and boxed goods so that you know she has food on hand when she leaves. When they come home and oldest daughter sees all of her stuff packed up and throws a fit tell her to get on the phone and start making calls to find someone she can stay with the next day. Bright and early on the 1st wake her up, give her a kiss and tell her that you love her, make sure she has a warm coat and send her out into the world.
This may seem really cruel but this is a lesson she needs to learn now and not at 50 when you and your wife have passed on or moved to a nursing home and she now has to fight 50 years of sloth and lack of experience to try and take care of herself. At 18 it isn’t hard to get a job with no prior experience and living in a 1 bedroom apartment with 2 roommates to pay the bills seems like a fun adventure. At 50 not so much. Kicking her out now (with proper amounts of prodding and encouragement towards having her feet underneath her when she goes) is the best thing you can do to show her you love her.
I was in my mid 20s before I really adopted a work ethic. I was in my early 20s before I even got a job and it was likely looking to my folks like I might be one of those guys who lived in their basement the rest of my life. I was aimless, purposeless and depressed. I remember not being able to envision ever being bored and working 8 hours a day. I thought that being a grown up was a version of hell.
I know this won’t help, but what I’m saying is, everyone grows up at a different rate. Encourage her to find some work, so that she sees what the “real” world is like. After working a few years at minimum wage, I realized I needed to get my act together. She may too.
Here’s how it turned out for me: At 24 I fell in love and the woman told me that I would have to get a “real” job if we were to hope to have a life together. I went back to school and I have been working in software development now for 20+ years and will pay off my house in a week or two (I’m waiting for the paper work.) I genuinely love software development and now own part of a business. If it fails, I have former employers asking me to come back and work for them (note that is more than one.)
(BTW, I didn’t marry the woman who help kick off my career.)
Any way, hopefully she’ll grow in a few years. Good luck!
It’s useless to just tell her to go get a job now. If she is 18 and has never held a job then she probably doesn’t even know what you are talking about. I don’t mean that she shouldn’t have to get a job; I mean that she still needs to learn about the how and why of working.
I would suggest starting her education tomorrow. Explain that tomorrow she needs to get up at a certain time, dress nicely and that you will drive her to the mall. She needs to fill out a certain number of job applications at a certain number of stores before she comes home. That’s a start. Maybe she is apprehensive about approaching people or maybe she just doesn’t know there are such things a applications. This is one place to start. Maybe, if you are lucky, that can lead to talks about proper attire for the job search, what to expect when you walk into a place looking for work or other questions or concerns she has.
About the wanting to be a model thing: I’m assuming modeling is similar to acting or being a musician. It’s hard to break into the business, even if you’re talented! You have to have a day job waiting tables or whatever just to pay rent and to be able to eat something once in a while! Even stunningly gorgeous women (and men) and exceptionally talented actors and musicians struggle to get discovered. I imagine modeling is a particularly cutthroat kind of business, not appropriate for sad, unmotivated people. If anything, she might be more likely to become a catalog model rather than a fashion magazine, runway model type. And even then, the clock is ticking. It’s not the kind of job you can count on doing for 40 years.