So she has some ethic about work, but not a true work ethic. The WE you need in the world is to do things because people want them done, not just waiting till people need them done. We feed ourselves by feeding others’ egos, and I don’t think we teach that. A practical kind of cynicism is in order.
Yes, it requires making others’ priorities your own, and no, there’s probably no kind or loving way to teach that to someone who resists direction or motivation. Sometimes you just have to jump when they say jump - maybe a lot of the time, if you have a problem with it.
:rolleyes: She’s lazy, spoiled, and disrespectful, not a lost cause. Some people will never leave and find themselves so long as it’s warm, cozy, and not too much trouble to get along with mum and dad. Perhaps my time frame is a bit hasty, but she needs to get out on her own. It is the only way that sort of person learns.
I won’t deny you that one. It depends on many things, really. If the upbringing was adequate, you can bet that most kids in that situation would accept the big ole’ reality smack and turn the corner, but some wouldn’t…
I’d hate to be the parents in that situation if they caused something like that to happen. Not entirely their fault, no, but still…
One month to get a job - FULL-TIME. If she’s not going to school or working, she needs to be moved out. Give her the ultimatum, and follow through. Don’t go get a job for her. The crappier a job she gets, the more she’ll want to go back to school. Your way is not working. You’re doing her no favors.
Just out of interest, all of you people who are saying to tell her you’re going to kick her out in a month if she doesn’t find a job, you would happily have done this to your 18 year olds? Really? Because there aren’t huge amounts of jobs you can get with just GCSEs in the UK, and particularly not with employment rates the way they are at the moment - you’d happily make her homeless, even knowing that she lacks some basic understanding of the way the world works (else she’d be looking for a job that’s slightly more realistic - or at least more immediate - than modelling, etc)? That’s harsh.
OP, if she’s interested in being a model, and actually approaching agencies, that’s something. I’d encourage it - if/when it doesn’t work out, she’ll know she has to look for something else, and can’t keep relying on a what-if dream of becoming a model. Maybe encourage her to explore somewhat related fields - acting, perhaps, or any of the stage school type fields, or make up artistry - it might just be that all the jobs and courses she can think of are academic type ones and completely uninteresting to her. Rather than that she doesn’t want to do anything.
But I agree with AK84; being 18 can be scary - you suddenly have all the options in the world to choose from and no structure to fall back on. She might just need help thinking of options and realising that whatever she chooses to do is just for now, not for ever - she can always change her mind again later if she finds she doesn’t like it.
Wait a second- if she doesn’t need a job becasue she has monre in a savings account, then why hasn’t she been using those savings to pay you rent? Seriously, my son tried to pull almost the same thing. He decided to take a semester off from school- fine, we’re not giving you spending money and you’re paying us rent, so you need to get a job. He got paid about 10x what he expected from a commercial ( not a regular thing), and apparently decided he didn’t need a job, because he had so much in the bank. It is now a month later, he still has no job hasn’t seriously looked for one and is down to a couple of hundred in the bank. He paid his first week s rent yesterday. I suspect he’ll have a job within 2 weeks. He’ll have to - he’ll have no money to spend.
That was the rule in our house, too - my parents couldn’t afford to pay for our schooling, but they did offer to let us stay rent-free while we were in university. We all moved out by 18, though - there’s something to be said for a dysfunctional homelife.
My response exactly. I don’t recall my parents asking me if I wanted to help out around the house - I do recall being assigned tasks.
Walker, I have to say, your daughter isn’t stupid; she’s got a sweet life, and no reason to change it. You and your wife have to be the ones to sour it for her, to motivate her to grow up.
I feel for you, Walker. I’ve got an unmotivated 18 year old daughter myself. She did just start her first semester of college, but for a while she seemed to think that going to school was all life ought to require of her. About a month ago, I made a rule that she has to pick one of three things to do each day: work, make an appointment for counseling, or at least leave the house for three hours a day. She has consistently picked “leave the house for three hours”, and she does a lot of whining about there being nothing to do, but at least it keeps her from staying in her room with the door shut at all times. She is also looking for work, and may wind up volunteering at the local library in lieu of a paying job, since there don’t seem to be any available at the moment. She’s a good kid, really…a hell of a lot better than I was.
Up until a week ago, we were also housing my husband’s unmotivated 18 year old son. He wasn’t going to school or working or doing any chores…now he lives on the couch at his buddy’s house.
Unmotivated 18 YOs turn into unmotivated 40 Yos with a wife and two kids still living at home. I’ve seen it happen. It’s happening right now in the family.
Yep. I said to give her 3 months and plenty of warning, but yes I would absolutely kick my kid out if they weren’t showing any drive or ambition. I don’t have kids but I do have an uncle who is 48 and lives on his parent’s couch. I don’t think he has worked in about 20 years. I have a cousin who is following in his footsteps. My cousin is worse actually because my aunt and uncle moved to a new house and haven’t sold the old one so that their son can keep living there. He has basically been given a free house as a reward for not working at all. He hasn’t worked anywhere for more than 6-8 weeks because he can’t handle “slaving for the man” and has decided he is going to be a farmer. That’s right, never grown so much as a potted flower but he is going to be a farmer so he doesn’t have to pay taxes to the big, bad government (yeah, farmers pay taxes, but try telling that to him) because the whole world is out to keep him down.
I would never, ever tolerate that from my child, partly because it is disrespectful of me and the hard work I put in to take care of them but mostly because allowing them to develop the habit of being cared for by others instead of pulling their own weight will destroy their future. What will happen to my hypothetical child if I die and am not there to keep paying their way? What will happen to them if I am disabled and my income drops by 1/3 while I live the rest of my life on disability? What happens to them if I find myself spontaneously pregnant and now have a baby to care for in addition to their lazy butt? Every day this girl goes without a job or continued education is another day she is learning that she doesn’t have to do anything in life because other people will take care of her and deeply ingrained habits are damned near impossible to break. Forcing her to grow up now at 18 is much, much better than waiting until she is 35 and having her to learn it because her living situation has been destroyed due to death or illness.
Is she physically capable of working? Physical exam with blood work (especially test for anemia and thyroid problems-both can make you tired and unmotivated) Talk to the doctor before and tell him to ask questions about drug use and depression.
Maybe psychological evaluation- depression, assessment about how she thinks and evaluates life. I found out that one source of the conflicts I had with my son was that he looked at life from a totally different perspective than I did. He wasn’t being a problem, he was working out his life in his own way.
Ask questions about what she wants to do. Want to be a model? What kind of model (runway, catalog, parts (hands, feet). What have you found on the internet about being a model? Are there modeling agencies around here? What does their website say about what you need to bring with you when you go there? (any places that want her to pay them up front would be very suspect) Can you make enough money just doing modeling or do you need another job.
Maybe she needs career testing/career counseling from the college she was at.
Maybe she needs to check out the military-they are usually hiring-and joining up does not automatically mean she will be handed a gun and sent to the front lines. They help a lot of kids grow up and provide good help with further education (US Navy has a program called “Seaman to Admiral” where they take qualified enlisted personnel and send them college (at the Navy’s expense) and make them officers. They do testing to evaluate what the recruits are good at. (get whatever they promise IN WRITING-if they didn’t write it in the contract-it wasn’t truly promised)
Prescreen job suggestions before you suggest them. (temp agencies-do they hire with no experience, minimum age?-don’t suggest going to a temp agency if she can’t get hired there) Look in the classified ads in the newspaper or on the national job website (The US has usajobs.opm.gov for government jobs-they have a section for students -high school grad and higher) Offer to sit down with her to look at the web sites (and you can suggest good sites to start with) to help screen good web sites from bad ones and good job offers and bad ones.
I suggested to my boys that they get on the local bus/train and ride around to see what companies were around-something might catch their eye and then they also have transportation!
Not in a month, no. Any kid of mine would know damn well they would be expected to become productive members of society a lot earlier than a month before their 18th birthday. “I don’t want to help around the house” Seriously, in what planet is this acceptable from an almost 18 year old? Not kicking her out is doing her a lot more harm at this point. If your kid is 18 and has no job and isn’t going to school then congrats cause you know have a maid.
nicole, you frame the issue in practical terms, with an eye to the individual and her circumstances. That’s laudable, but it fails to reach the heart of how we understand the work ethic in America. It is harsh. What you do to earn your living, what you produce to the profit of society, has to be fundamental to your identity and self-respect in our culture - enough so that we consider it worth quite a bit of threats and shocks to impart the lesson.
Yes, definitely, explore and refine your desires and who you are. But first, begin to pay for the right. Do something boring or stultifying or degrading, as long as you learn the lesson that your exchange value comes before your use value. That’s our work ethic. No self-respect before self-reliance.
If what the OP says is absolutely true, something is really wrong here. I am not accusing the OP of lying but sometimes you’re too close to the situtation to be objective.
Teens want to spread their wings and assert their independence, being able to watch TV or sit back and be idle indicates there is something “off” with this kid.
That isn’t to say it’s some horrible thing, it could be, as other’s have noted a paralyzing anxiety or something.
To the OP I would ask:
Has she ever had a job?
Does she know how to fill out an application, give references and interviews?
Does she show apprehension in other areas of her life?
Tough love is fine and I agree with it but while you’re being “tough” don’t forget the “love” part. If you honestly believe that the kid would turn into a crack whore if you threw her out, then you shouldn’t do it. So the kid winds up on the streets, with a record, getting diseases and lice and all sorts of things like that. And for what? All for the sake of making a point?
What I would do is give her a schedule. You have to be employed by October 31st. Then follow up with her. Go with her and go to the stores or Starbucks and help her to get the applications. You don’t need to hang over her but go with her.
Explain what the rules are, such as "You will be expected to contribute 25%(or whatever) of your take home pay to the family as your room and board.
She also sounds depressed, I would try to find a sliding fee scale (if you can’t afford it) counselor for her. She doesn’t have to go more than once or twice. Think of it as a “mental health” check up. You go to the doctor to get a check up, so why not a mental health professional for a check up too.
I would suggest you and you wife discuss what you are going to do, and be in agreement before taking action. A united front is needed.
My 28 year old (now) at that age " just wanted to hang out with her friends".
Alot of money was wasted on classes there were not attended.
Yes, we showed her the door after that.
It’s rough to find a job - any job - right now, but a lot of kids are going back to school (I know! I know! she should be too…) and it’s possible that she can land one of their minimum-wage retail gigs that open up when schools in your area start.
Don’t force the “you have to pay rent” issue to the point where she starts selling drugs, or her body, to cough up the cash. But of course, there’s a world of middle ground between here and there.
I won’t keep bitching about the American work ethic (I’ve become known for it on the Snackpit). But if anybody wants to start exploring the beliefs involved, check out this book.
The free preview ends in the mid 19th century, but a lot of it still applies today, deep down in places most of us aren’t even aware of.
