It seems to me you may be defending yourself rather than your ideas, but it’s very early in the morning here and I may not be seeing things just right. So I’ll leave your response for later. Thank you for making it, especially since it’s so timely.
I disagree. I call myself lazy all the time without being the least bit self-deprecating. If I wake up at 11:00, don’t get out of my pjs until 3:00, and watch TV and read books all day, then I say I’m having a “lazy day.” That’s a neutral statement. I think it’s fair to say that people who engage in this type of behavior all the time are “lazy”. Yes, it’s got negatitive connotations, but so does “fat” and “psychotic”, both which can also be used in a value-neutral way.
And I also disagree that there’s ALWAYS something pervasively wrong with someone who is “low energy” and that by calling them “lazy”, we’re basically denying that. That’s just silly. First off, people can be “low energy” types and be perfectly functional. They just like living cushy, easy, low-stress lives. If it weren’t for the fact that I value independence over everything else, you better believe I’d be at home all the time, maxing and relaxing (though I probably would get out of the house sometimes). The only things separating me from you is that you have someone who’s willing to subsizide your lifestyle and you aren’t interested in being independent. I don’t have a sugar-family and I love being free from all strings, apron or otherwise. Oh yeah, and I don’t view myself as a victim of anything
Secondly, there comes a point when you have to call a duck a duck and not be all namby-pamby about the situation. If someone is becoming a moocher and not showing any interest in taking care of themselves, and they otherwise seem to be alright in the head, then “lazy”–even if it IS a moral judgement–is a perfectly fine word to use to describe. It’s no different than using “sponge”, a term you yourself used to describe yourself. Maybe if this young woman is told that she’s showing herself to be quite lazy or “spongy”, then that slight insult will be enough to motivate her to change. Calling her “low energy” when she may very well have plenty of energy for something that she wants to do (and I’m betting she does) would just be wrong.
Marry her off before she loses her looks.
The philosophical underpinnings of the work ethic, the ontological significance of laziness, etc., are all somewhat off the point here: The OP is looking for practical suggestions for how to deal with his daughter. Let’s keep the discussion focussed on that.
If someone wants to start a debate about the big picture stuff, feel free to do so (in either IMHO or GD, depending on your level of passion) – but please stay on topic here.
Thanks,
twickster, MPSIMS moderator
The thing about being a self-disciplined self motivated person who gets out and does stuff is that it’s actually two tasks
a) motivating yourself to do stuff, and
b) actually doing the stuff.
You want her to be able to do both a) and b), but if she can’t, the really important bit is b). So if (when?) you do start really putting the pressure on her to either get a job, or do study, or volunteer or whatever, you so don’t have to think of it in terms of “well, we really have to be mean to her now so that she can enjoy the fruits of it later.” She might THINK you’re being mean to her but what you’re actually doing is taking half of this double task which, for whatever reason, is proving too hard for her, off her shoulders and onto yours. You take care of the “motivation”, she takes care of the actual “doing stuff”.
The other thing is - “I have to do X because <person in authority> says so” is actually a crucial step on the way to “I will do X because it is the right thing to be doing”. In terms of child development you literally can’t get to that end point without going through and thouroughly experiencing the “someone is making me do this” stage. And some people need more time in that stage than others. So again, the whole “hardass” bit is you giving her an experience that she needs to be having.
But it is hard. So, so hard. You have my sympathies and I hope things work out well for you and your daughter.
Until you’re willing to own your part in where she is right now, [unmotivated, undisciplined, uneducated, entitled, immature, no future, no desire for change of status[, nothing will change, for you, or her.
“She doesn’t want to help around the house.” This statement tell us tons about you and her. You expect her to get her shit together and get on with life, but can’t understand that you have ill equipped her to do so. It couldn’t be clearer that she is not ‘expected’ to help around the house, and never has been.
You created this monster. Now you get to either, push her out into the world and watch to see if she sinks or swims, knowing you’ve failed to teach her to swim, or suddenly take on the hard decisions of parenting, teaching your child the discipline and sense of responsibility she’ll need to succeed in life. The last seems unlikely to me, if you had the spine for such a thing it’d have shown itself before now.
I don’t see you owning your part in this mess, so I can’t see anything changing anytime soon.
Were this my child, there would be no tv set in her room and she’d be doing a list of household chores each day. That list would include, applying for a job everyday, and volunteering somewhere a couple of times a week. I’d be putting every ugly household job, I could find, on that list. Yard work, toilet scrubbing, ironing, everyone’s laundry, garbage to the curb, cooking dinner every night, etc.
It would all start with a conversation that began with my apology, for failing her as a parent, and then announcing a new day had come.
I’d do the “here are your options and our expectations” speech. For my parents to me, and for me to my kids:
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You can support yourself in your own place and live however you want (for those nitpickers - however you want is within reason, an adult child may be an adult, but if my kid was selling her body for heroin, I’d step in.)
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You can live here and go to school. While you are in school, we will provide room and board. You are responsible for your own entertainment expenses and picking up after yourself.
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You can live here and pay rent. Same terms as above with the picking up after yourself.
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You can live here and not have a job. As your parents, we won’t let you live in a cardboard box. BUT, you will be expected to help out around the house in lieu of rent. You will be responsible for whatever household tasks WE choose.
As long as you live in our house, you may be an adult, but you have to abide by whatever household rules we set. (My sisters and I didn’t stick around our parents home, as we all had curfews, even as adults. My mother was very reasonable about this - she admitted it was because she didn’t sleep well when we weren’t home. We also had to tell her in advance if we’d be home for dinner - if you didn’t show up and said you would, she’d stop feeding you. Those two things are hard to live with as a young adult with a social life.)
While I agree with your sentiment and a lot of your suggestions, I think it’s time to remind ourselves that the OP specified that this is his STEPdaughter. I don’t know how much time he’s been with the 18-year-old’s mother or how much of an influence he’s been able to be until now.
Point taken, I overlooked that reference.
Change my post to say, “Until her mother is willing to own her part in this, nothing will change”. Other than that, I stand by it.
If you want to accelerate the process, stop feeding her.
This approach is something that comes with the expectation that nobody else is going to take care of these things for you. It’s not an expectation that follows readily from, well, someone else taking care of these things for you. Thus the calls for her to get out on her own by whatever means necessary, or at least to start paying you rent.
<copout>
Obviously, now that this line of discussion has been declared officially OT by a mod, I’ll have to rescind the offer. Sorry.
</copout>
Or just downsize by moving to a new home that does not have a room for her.
Oops. Scratch that, reverse it. Apparently a week of reality was enough. The prodigal stepson has returned. Hopefully he is filled with motivation. :dubious:
In my line of work, the three highest virtues to which one can aspire are laziness, impatience, and hubris. (I am a computer programmer.)
Exactly. She could always get work as a stripper.
:: D & R ::
And when you get done with those chores, bang on the neighbor’s door and see if they need any help around the house.
You know, when I was 12, I asked my dad for an allowance. He nearly blew a gasket, he was so offended by the idea that he should just give me money for existing. My parents also believed that everyone must contribute to the work required to keep the house running, because we all live in the house. So they weren’t going to be paying their children to do the chores that they themselves had to also do for free. I was told, if I wanted spending money for jordache jeans (it was the 80s) or football game tickets, or ice cream after the game with my friends, I would have to earn the money myself.
“But how the hell is a 12-year-old supposed to earn money?”
My parents instantly tossed off half a dozen ideas for me:
•get a paper route
•clean the neighbors’ houses
• shovel snow
•mow lawns
• babysit/house sit
• walk dogs
I put up a poster at church and pretty soon had a thriving little babysitting business going until I turned 16 and retired from illicit childcare to embark on a short and ill-fated career in the fast food industry. 
In fact, I don’t think I spent more than a weekend unemployed since then and that includes all of high school, all of college, and the 20 years since.
So yeah, if the OP hasn’t already instilled a work ethic by now, erm, good luck with that. But there are options, even if unemployment is awful. Somebody somewhere is looking for a housekeeper or a babysitter or a dog walker. It might not be much, but at least it could put her in the mindset of keeping to a schedule, being reliable and accountable to someone else, earning her own money, having money to spend on whatever crap she’s into.
Once again… there’s always stripping. 
Which should help her modeling career.
Regards,
Shodan
Not unless she picks up her socks:
Times Higher Edcation:
Alternate explanation: his buddy got sick of him couch-surfing and told him to get out.