I’ve been struggling with this for a while, and I don’t know how to go about it or even if I really want to.
I have become a closet atheist. Perhaps more accurately, a closet agnostic. I was raised in a Protestant home and went through confirmation. I stopped going to church during college, more so because I was lazy rather than becuase I lost my faith. It wasn’t until I met my wife that I started attending church again. But I now find myself doubting a lot about religion, especially since 9/11 and after lurking on this board - especially GD.
While I do tend to BELIEVE that there is no god, I consider myself agnostic since I can’t really KNOW whether or not there is or isn’t.
I am reluctant to tell anyone about this because there seems to be a rather negative stigma attached within society, to say nothing of the expected reaction of my wife and my born-again fundamentalist brother.
I don’t really mind attending church with my wife as I do enjoy some of the music, and in the sessions that follow the formal service I will throw in a question or two that I hope causes some of the people to think a little deeper.
I’m more or less non-confrontational by nature and try to avoid entering debates. If you were in my shoes, would you “come out” or just continue to play along.
My personal feeling is that it may be a rather good thing for your spouse to know. If nothing else it saves all kinds of embarrassment if years down the track it turns out she’s been doubting too and you’ve both missed lying in on Sundays through an O. Henryesque miscommunication.
I’m not sure I’d be comfortable having people assume I was a believer while I posed tricksy questions, either, but if their faith is strong it’ll no doubt withstand any such deeper thinking.
Why does anyone need to know? I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been asked directly if I believe in God or not. Perhaps you are more concerned with people judging you for not being involved with the church (whatever church that may be), which is really a social insititution more than anything. Whenever anyone asks me about that, I just tell them “I’m just not into it.” The conversation usually ends there.
I think you should definitely tell your wife, if she doesn’t already know.
As with any potentially difficult conversation, I suggest the ‘let’s take a car ride’ approach - it’s far less confrontational to chat in the car while you can both look forward than it is to sit down on a couch facing each other.
Apart from that, I’m in agreement with the other posters in that I don’t see the need to ‘come out’ to anyone else unless they directly question you on your beliefs.
Potential problems in your relationships with your wife and brother aside, why do you care what other people think? Your beliefs or lack thereof are your own business. Who do you actually need to tell and why?
Generally I don’t make a point of stating that I’m an atheist unless it becomes necessary, simply because it seems a little rude to me… it’s like disagreeing with people over something they are very serious about that has nothing to do with me. Unless they’re trying to force it down my throat, it’s not my concern what they do or don’t believe and I think the same is true in reverse.
I’ve had little trouble remaining polite and non-committal when dealing with people who are religious, and only rarely have I been put into a position where I needed to state outright that I’m not a believer. When this happens, I tell the truth and don’t beat around the bush. I’m not ashamed and I have nothing to hide, and if they don’t like it… well that’s their problem, not mine. It’s not up for negotiation or re-assessment, I simply am an atheist and no further discussion will be entered into. I gather Australian society is very different in this regard, and overtly religious people are thinner on the ground, but I don’t generally find it difficult to shut down conversations on the topic.
Of course, I’m speaking of conversations with strangers, acquaintances and friends rather than family. With regards to them, perhaps you need to ease them into it by bringing up your doubts and letting them know that you’re questioning your faith. If you really wanted to drop it on them all at once you could, but perhaps it would make them feel better if they had a chance to talk it over with you and get used to the idea. It might help them to see that you’re serious too, if you can participate in debates of a sort with them. At the least, it might let them feel like they tried to “help” you see the light.