I am wondering whether or not to come out to a friend of mine. I am out to 90% of my friends, most co-workers, and some of my family (not yet the portion that I suspect will disown me when they find out).
Since I have moved away from the city where we met, we have become less close (although we are just as fond of each other - distance and time constraints have caused less frequent communication). She has recently had serious health troubles, and this has made me re-evaluate our friendship. I would like to be honest with her, but there are two obstacles holding me back :
I suspect that she will be very uncomfortable with this news. I know she has little to no experience with gays and lesbians, and her boyfriend is quite homophobic. Now, I know there is no guarantee when you come out to anyone, and many people are uncomfortable with the news at first, but I really don’t want to lose her friendship.
I am quite attracted to her. Now, I do not expect any chance of a relationship here (she’s been with her BF for about 8 years), and I am not planning to make any advances towards her. Somehow, though, this is preventing me from coming out to her.
My reasons for delaying coming out are mostly #2 above. I realize of course that the fear of rejection is a part of every coming out. But, it’s like I have this fear that coming out will make her instantly see that I am attracted to her, and this will make her run screaming away from me, and somehow confirm any horrible stereotypes about gays and lesbians that she may hold.
So…should I come out? Why or why not? How can I best go about it? Should I ever tell her that I am attracted to her?
I am inclined to say yes, do come out to your friend. It is an important part of who you are- and you should feel comfortable sharing it with the people in your life.
Now that’s the ideal version. It might not be altogether realistic. But give your friend some credit- she may take it better than you think. Of course there is the possibility that she will reject and hurt you, and if that does happen, then maybe her friendship isn’t something you need. I can understand about not wanting to lose someone, but unless you’re completely honest, do you necessarily have such a great relationship?
Eh, that sounds more absolutist than I mean it to. But I would definitely come out to her. Ask her to set aside some time just to talk, but try not to build it up, you know? And as for confessing your feelings for her, don’t. No good can come of it, really. Especially if you have a suspicion that she might freak solely at the news of your sexuality.
Issue #2 does complicate things a bit, especially since there are some people who assume (for whatever reason) that gay people think about nothing but sex all day, and are automatically attracted to everyone of the same sex. I do think that if you come out to her, you should figure out beforehand how to answer if she asks whether you’re attracted to her.
That said, I would say coming out makes sense in this situation. There are a fair number of people who have a tough time dealing with homosexuality simply because they think they don’t know any people who are gay.
Go for it–it sounds like this relationship has reached a point where some honesty and openness might be needed.
I would hope that your coming out speech would not end with the line “…and I think you’re hot.”
Is there a need to make a production out of coming out to this person? Can your coming out be just something that flows from your conversation with her, if it comes up it comes up, if it doesn’t it doesn’t? I’ve never been fond of the “sit down, we have to talk” school of coming out when you’re coming out to friends, especially friends between whom some distance has arisen.
I’m curious as to how you’ve been re-evaluating your friendship. What does that mean?
If I wasn’t attracted to her, I would have come out to her long ago, like I did with my other friends. I am hoping it will just come up one day in conversation, as Otto has suggested.
By that I simply mean that she has suffered severe health problems and was in Intensive Care recently. It’s made me think about what she means to me, as it would with anybody who almost died.
I know someone who struggled with a similar issue, mainly because she expected her friend to eventually ask: Are you attracted to me? Which, my gay friend, knew would be complicated.
Are you prepared to answer this question? In what way?
You should come out to her anyway. If she rejects you after that then she was never really your friend to begin with. Don’t flirt with her, respect straight friend’s boundaries or you weren’t ever a friend to her.
There’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Start there.
If she is really your friend as dorkus stated, she will be there for you. Many times, we project our feelings onto others. If you come from a place where being lesbian is okay ~ she has no choice but to accept if she truly loves you. Being a friend is not about being judgemental.
I don’t quite now what I would say if she asked me directly if I was attracted to her. I suppose I would fumble around the question, saying something along the lines of : you are a wonderful person, otherwise you wouldn’t be my friend, but I am not physically attracted to you. This would, of course, be a complete lie… A strange thing, since the whole point of coming out would be to make the relationship more honest and open.