I thought I’d submit this little predictament to the Dopers :).
See, there’s a girl that I’m rather attracted to, and I’m getting to the point that I want to find out whether things will happen, or maybe just have her know. That’s the problem… I’ve been advised not to ask her out for a number of reasons, one being a mutual friend (of me and her) that is sort of obsessed with her. He’s been rather in her face about the whole thing, so we all suspect that she’s probably a bit boy OD’d. That being said, I don’t really want to ask her out as yet, per se. However, I’m tired of worrying about this thing, so I think I want to inform her. I’m not sure if this is a good idea, though. For one thing, there is little to indicate mutual interest. It’s just not terribly likely, I don’t think. For another, there’s what I’ve mentioned. I don’t want to make things “weird.” On my side in that area is the indication that that won’t be a problem, since she’s still good friends with the mutual friend, and they get along fine despite the tension of him being so crazy over her. Also, I will not be (and haven’t been) nearly so in her face and obvious about the whole thing. It should continue to be a non-issue if she isn’t interested.
So, the sum is, I want to tell her, but am afraid of freaking her out. I mean, what does she have to do, beat us off with a stick!? I’m afraid that she probably won’t be interested in me, and would almost certainly not want to start something right now (which is why I don’t intend to actually ask her out). I think I want her to know, however.It’ll ease my mind, no matter what… right? Dopers, what is your experience with this thing? Is it “safe” to bring it up, in general? Or should I stay silent? If I tell her, what’s the best way to do it? Obviously, I don’t want to say something like “I love you more than I love the very ground I walk on,” or similar “YIKES!” material.
Never mind, news item: I was talking to the mutual friend (who I have learned is over her; why do I never get told these things) and he happened to tell me that right now she doesn’t want to go out with anyone, anyway. She said that she doesn’t want anyone to like her right now. Hmmm, looks like I haven’t a hope in hell :P. Oh well, thanks for reading anyway. Ta ta!
Usually I think that it’s best to let a person know, just to get it over with, but in this case, I think it’s really not the best time.
Wait a bit-
At least until the obsessed friend has a new object of desire, even if it’s from afar.
And since you’ve said she’s indicated little interest in you, this will give you more of a chance to let her figure out that she likes you- if she does.
I’ve been friends with men before and sometimes it takes me awhile before I realize that I “like” like them.
Anyway, best of luck to you.
It’s possible… but she knew he was over her when she said this. I would not be surprised that this has come out of being chased after by our other friend. I can’t just assume that that must be the case though. So, I guess I’m not sure, but it’s possible either way. Perhaps I should mention it anyway, then. Thanks for the advice.
I’ve said the same thing about not wanting to date right away…and 2 days later I had a girlfriend. Here’s what I’d do. Just casually ask if she’d like to do something with you this weekend. If she says no, just act as if that’s fine, and continue any conversation you may have been having. If you build it up, take her aside as if something of worldwide importance is going on, then act dejected if she turns you down, things may very well get wierd.
If you act as if its something you’d like to do with her, but if she says no, that’s ok too, you’ll get it out that you like her, and even if she doesn’t want to do anything now, she’ll store that info away. Also, you shouldn’t have any trouble being around her after that, since it was just a casual question. This being said, DON’T act as if you don’t care at all what her response is (the standoffish act will be a bad idea), but instead try to act as if both answers are acceptable. Hope that makes sense…it’s a fine line. Good luck!
Please excuse the run-on-ness of the first sentence in the second paragraph. Even I’m confused as to what I was saying. Here’s a better attempt:
If you act as if you are interested in doing something with her, but she says no, it will still be OK. You will let her know that you like her, and she’ll store that info away even if she doesn’t want to go out right now.
It’s code. Just say something offhand like " maybe you and I should catch that movie (try that new Whopper, see that exhibit) one of these days" and leave it at that for a while. She’ll then understand YOUR code message (I wouldn’t mind going out with you) and then you watch for the signs of acceptance or rejection of the IDEA that someday, possibly, you’d like to ask her out. Does she smile the next time she sees you? Or avoid you? You haven’t actually asked her out, so you’re not committed to anything.
Oh, to be young again and believe that there’ll be someone else along soon if I shove this one out of my way.
Well, JMan, I was definitely not gonna do it that way :D. I wouldn’t need to be too dejected, and I wouldn’t act that way. Bad news, that. That said, I thought about the casual approach… perhaps it is best, but I just don’t know if even that will be workable. Of course, then again it might, gah… (I HATE my tendency to overanalyze). I like the idea of making a “sometime” suggestion, though, in the offhand way that was mentioned. Thanks.
Do you think she’ll scream and run for the hills if she finds out there’s a sexual attraction???
Put it out there and let her deal with as she see fit. Just don’t pester her about like your friend did. You can still friends, and you won’t have any secrets.
Grelby: I was wondering if you might, you know, wanna do something someday? With me?
Girl: That’d be great. Want to go to see that movie wwwe were just talking about?
Grelby: Oh, God, not now. I’m not ready to be in a relationship!
This bugs me. I think it sounds horribly manipulitive to cunsider telling somoene that you are interested but not interested enough to pursue a relationship with them. The issue here isn’t you wanting to know what’s up, it’s what do you expect her to do with that information? How could she possibly benefit from knowing that you might want to go out with her someday, but not now? If she’s interested in you, it looks like you are trying to put her in the position of the person who has to “earn” a date–it makes her the one who has to *inspire * you to where you actually want to go out with her. It makes it sound like you are asking her to wait for you, even though you haven’t done anything to deserve that sort of consideration. It is going to send a message that you are indecisive and have commitment problems.
If you want to go out with her now, ask her out **now[/n]. If you don’t, under no circumstances is it a good idea to say, basically: “Someday I might decide you are, you know, cool enough to date me. So if you want me, you gotta wait.” I know you probably think this is being “less-pushy” or “giving her space too”, but it’s not. It’s passive-agrressiveness and will lead directly to you whinning in ten years that "Girls won’t date me because I’m too nice.
Furthermore, it won’t even solve your basic problem–the stress of not knowing how she “really feels”, becasue after the big talk you will still spend just as much time wondering if her feeling have changed in some way. Trust me on this. INsecurities about how another person feels about you are never, ever, ever, resolved in one-time big conversations. That’s the biggest single difference between movie love nad real life love.
Grelby: I was wondering if you might, you know, wanna do something someday? With me?
Girl: That’d be great. Want to go to see that movie wwwe were just talking about?
Grelby: Oh, God, not now. I’m not ready to be in a relationship!
This bugs me. I think it sounds horribly manipulitive to cunsider telling somoene that you are interested but not interested enough to pursue a relationship with them. The issue here isn’t you wanting to know what’s up, it’s what do you expect her to do with that information? How could she possibly benefit from knowing that you might want to go out with her someday, but not now? If she’s interested in you, it looks like you are trying to put her in the position of the person who has to “earn” a date–it makes her the one who has to *inspire * you to where you actually want to go out with her. It makes it sound like you are asking her to wait for you, even though you haven’t done anything to deserve that sort of consideration. It is going to send a message that you are indecisive and have commitment problems.
If you want to go out with her now, ask her out **now[/n]. If you don’t, under no circumstances is it a good idea to say, basically: “Someday I might decide you are, you know, cool enough to date me. So if you want me, you gotta wait.” I know you probably think this is being “less-pushy” or “giving her space too”, but it’s not. It’s passive-agrressiveness and will lead directly to you whinning in ten years that "Girls won’t date me because I’m too nice.
Furthermore, it won’t even solve your basic problem–the stress of not knowing how she “really feels”, becasue after the big talk you will still spend just as much time wondering if her feeling have changed in some way. Trust me on this. INsecurities about how another person feels about you are never, ever, ever, resolved in one-time big conversations. That’s the biggest single difference between movie love nad real life love.
Whoops! Manda, not what I meant by that. I agree that that would be cruel. My thinking is simply that I don’t want to put pressure on her, since right now I know that she’s at least a little bit unnerved about the idea of someone wanting a relationship with her, after being chased for the last five months. Whether she’s interested or not… maybe I’m worrying too much.
In any case, I’m not worried about her running screaming into the hills. She didn’t do that to my other friend, so I think things will likely be ok. I’m just worry about the whole thing, as is my wont.
As a seasoned veteran of these particular skirmishes, some despatches from the front line for you.
Her statements to the effect that she doesn’t want a relationship at the moment… attach no importance whatsoever to these. Women can say stuff like this on Monday and be infatuated on Tuesday. All such statements are just emotional white noise.
Her statements to the effect that she doesn’t even want anyone to like her right now. If I were you, I’d take this as a huge big flashing red warning sign. Try finding someone else to ask out.
Every ask brings the risk of rejection. No way around it. The only people in this life who never get rejected are those who never try, and never get accepted either. Although rejection never feels good at the time, be prepared, and you can handle it gracefully.
Rejection is usually instructive. If she’s the sort of person who rejects the offer/suggestion of shared happy social time out of hand, without even giving it a shot, then she’s probably not the right sort of person to spend a lot of time on.
Don’t think in straight lines or with rigid logic, because they don’t. If she rejects suggestion #1, and notwithstanding my advice above you persist, don’t imagine she’ll behave consistently or reject every suggestion thereafter. Women can have yes/no opinions about the same subject on alternate days of the week. It’s part of what makes them so wonderful.
Be sincere. You know how sharks can supposedly smell blood at 5 miles away, or something like that? Ditto women and insincerity. With some women, however, very lavish well-chosen gifts can temporarily numb their olfactory senses.
Be funny. Funny helps in more ways than one. Good humour is very good at getting people OUT of auto-pilot thought and response ruts, and triggering fresh thinking. I’ve met many women who just tend to auto-splurge a “polite decline” answer in respone to ANY male social offer. But something that shakes them out of their auto-response can sometimes work. I won’t give examples of ‘amusing’ approaches because they tend to read very lame on the page, and in any case what I and the women I meet tend to find amusing won’t be the same for you.
Always hope. Not because you’ll always get what you want (you won’t). But because life basically gives you two choices: live in hope or live in despair. And hope feels miles better.
Don’t take this too seriously. She might have told your friend this in order to let him down gently. He might have told you this in order to poison the well. " If I can’t have her, no one will!"
If you really like her, ask her out. Many people have suggested a movie. Go with the approach, " Do you want to (do whatever activity both of you would enjoy, i.e see a movie, get a drink, go bowling etc.) If you decide on a movie, you could even bring it up while discussing what movies have just come out.
If she turns you down, don’t get depressed or keep asking her out. That happens sometimes, and it is best just to accept this and move on. At least you tried and you won’t be left wondering what might have been. One of my uncles told me that when he was getting married, one of the things that shocked him was how many women that he had known over the years told him that they had been attracted to him and had wanted him to ask them out. Life is to short to be left wondering.
