It does sound like a fairly normal, garden-variety communication problem. Given that your sex life is normally great, she might have simply felt guilty that she wasn’t as interested as she would like to be. She might be afraid to disappoint/hurt you, and does not want to seem to be rejecting you. If you’re as caring and concerned as you seem to be, she may feel extra guilty about the seeming rejection and feel caught between the proverbial “rock and hard place” (Heh)
Could I ask: Are you as open to her as you think you may be? Not being judgemental here, just asking you to take a closer look at yourself: Can your wife be really honest with you?
I’m thinking, she sounds exactly like me in my first marriage. I learned over time, that there was NO WAY I could tell my ex that I wasn’t in the mood. He would say “Oh, it’s okay, no problem.” Then the next day, the punishment would begin. He would not come home from work, not call, go to a strip joint & come home covered in perfume, spend money foolishly, or some such. In other words do everything he could to register his displeasure without actually saying he was pissed. (Yes very immature) I felt (perhaps subconsciously at the time) that I had no choice but to create an argument in order to get out of having sex (which was always unfulfilling for me unless I was in the mood) or give in and feel resentful for doing so. There wasn’t much middle ground, being pleasant about my refusal had the same effect, punishment of some kind. Yes, terrible lack of communication which is a large part of the reason he is my ex.
In my experience, (to be really simplistic & generalize like hell) men will play the flirting game in order to get to the sex part. Women may enjoy flirting for it’s own sake sometimes and do not have to “be horny” to flirt and be playful sexually. (Obviously)
Again, to state the obvious: Sometimes, it has been known to happen that men will then call the woman a “tease” and feel they’ve been “led on”. Now the woman feels punished for partaking in a fun activity which for her, does not have to end in a sexual denouement to be fulfilling in it’s own right. What choice is she then left with? To coldly refuse to play?
So, I guess I’m asking you to maybe try examining yourself a little more, and see if there could be a time or two when you may have inadvertently “punished” your wife for a seeming rejection. Not saying that you did it in such a stupid and broad way as my ex used to, but that there could be some even subconscious difference in your attitude or behaviour towards her if you feel you’ve been rejected. (Which is totally understandable in any case, however she really is not rejecting you, just the sexual activity at that moment.)
Please, please don’t read that I’m trying to blame you, I’m just trying to suggest a possible reason behind your wife’s behaviour that could possibly shed some more light here.
As far as her “shifts in reality”, sounds to me like she’s almost not sure she has the right to have the feelings she’s having. Therefore, she must create something that she feels gives her the grounds. Persistent efforts to communicate, and encouraging her to examine herself at length couldn’t hurt either.
Calling either the OP or his wife “crazy” is most unhelpful, IMO.
