How 'bout
“It doesn’t agree with me”
…and if the press you…
“When I drink alcohol, I turn into a Werewolf”
I use variations of this:
“It makes me throw up, then fall down.”
“It leads me to believe I know kung-fu.”
“I break out (beat) into show tunes.”
Or I tell people I’m the designated hair-holder.
I rarely drink anymore. I’m not an alcoholic, I just don’t enjoy it, plus I always want to be sober around my kids. I haven’t been hassled about it or pushed to drink by others since my early 20’s. Mybe it’s an age thing?
Anyway, I just get an iced tea or a coke. If anyone asks, I say don’t feel like drinking. That’s almost always been the end of it. On the rare occasion that someone wants to pursue the matter, I just repeat that I don’t feel like drinking and either change the subject or walk away. If anyone really wanted to make an issue of it (which no one really has for many years), I’d probably tell them 'I don’t want to drink, and that’s the end of it." I wouldn’t worry about sounding rude because I would consider pestering someone to drink if they don’t want to to be rude in itself.
I get hassled about not drinking a lot, and it really bugs me. Almost anything else you can turn down without question, but people act like alcohol is sacred or something.
One technique I’ve developed that short circuits the whole Why Not conversation is to say, “No thanks. I’m not drinking tonight” and then hit a big bongload.
This is a little confusing. You’re not the type of guy to order a soda, but you’ll order a club soda? Or are you talking about walking around the party holding a Mountain Dew can?
If there’s a bar and someone’s tending it you can always order whatever non-alcoholic thing you want and if the bartender reaches for a water or soda glass just stop them and ask it be served in a grown-up glass, i.e. whatever type of glass everyone else is walking around holding.
One thing I don’t really recommend is lying about it. Why should you? “Sorry, it’s the antibiotics.” Oh no, sorry. Can’t. My parole officer is going to pee-test me in the morning."
Why bother? If someone asks “whatcha drinkin’?” and you say, “tonic” that should be the end of it. If they continue the questioning they’re the one being ungraceful, not you.
-I don’t drink
-Why not?
-Why DO you drink?
I’ve always thought that there should be a regular drink (stir stick and ice in a rocks glass) looking non alcoholic beverage with a cool sounding drink name that all bartenders would instantly recognize as the “codeword” for just this type of occasion.
I’ve spent enough time on both sides of the bar you don’t need a codeword with a bartender. “Water, in a regular glass” is all the codeword you need.
Bartenders do this stuff for a living.
I don’t drink and I certainly don’t apologize for it or carry around a pretend drink. The only people that have ever asked me why seem to be people that have alcohol issues themselves. I just give ‘the look’ that my husband tells me I’m so good at.
Anyone that asks why doesn’t deserve an answer. If someone is a vegetarian do people ask why? If someone doesn’t like cheese are they given the third degree?
If you feel like you have to answer I’d give the allergic lie. I’ve used that myself in restaurants. I despise the taste of wine. I don’t ask that they make something without wine, but I always make sure there isn’t any wine used and sometimes use the allergic bit. Before that they’d say no and sometimes there was.
We have a winner.
I generally drink, but on occassions when I’m not, I usually just say “I’m driving” (which is usually the reason I’m not drinking anyway).
I will carry a coke or other non-alchoholic drink around, not for other people’s benefit, but to keep my hand occupied and to have something to do with myself while I’m hanging out.
“I’m not drinking tonight”
“I don’t drink”
or
“I’m a great big pussy”
also work
How about: “I wanna make sure I don’t get Whiskeydick, cause I definitely intend to get me some tonight!”
I realized that folks’ responses might well vary depending on their personal histories and social circles. For example, if you used to be a heavy drinker, and hang with friends and family who continue to drink, you might anticipate different reactions than someone interacting with co-workers who do not share a common history with you.
I meant more of a codeword that wouldn’t alert the people you were with, not for the bartenders benefit.
Next time anyone asks, I’m going with “Drinking gives me a uterine hemmorage.”
I enjoy the taste of beer. If I’m not drinking and don’t want to make a big deal of it, I’ll order a non-alcoholic beer and wrap my napkin around the label.
…and before somebody asks: yes, I can tell the difference between “real” beer and “near” beer. When I want real beer I usually drink porters and stouts, and I’ve never seen a non-alcoholic stout. Guinness, get to work on that, 'k?
I always say, “Eh, I’m not a big drinker.” I used to say, “Sorry, I don’t drink” but people bizarrely started asking me how long I’d been sober. It’s not bizarre that they got that impression (that I’m a recovering alcoholic), I just thought it was bizarre that people would actually ask the question so directly.
So, I changed to the new answer. No matter what, there’s always those odd occasions where people try to insist that I drink. I don’t know if they’re unable to enjoy themselves without drinking, and therefore think I couldn’t either?
I prefer replying, in a thoroughly manic voice, “Alcohol? Hell no, that’s a drug with too many bad side effects and a really inaccurate dosage schedule–it’s dangerous! That’s why I switched to heroin/crack/meth/etc…” Hardly anybody bugs me about it twice.
Either that or a pitying, withering, “Dude, I’m DRIVING!” (Unvoiced subtext, “what, are you STUPID?”) gets the job done.
Then again, I’m a bitch and don’t care what people think of me…
You are a permanent fixture on my guest list. Then again, I don’t give many parties
There is always the “borderline diabetic” angle.
I work with a bunch of partiers. When the subject comes up, I tell them I drink once a year at Cathy’s house.
I had one drink at our Halloween party, now I get made fun of because I have zero tolerance. (CHEAP DATE!)
I really do think it is intrusive for folks to ask. I’m assuming you are old enough to do so if you wanted to and therefore old enough to not want to based on your own logic. It’s right up there with folks insisting that I believe in god. Back off.
Then again, I’m pathologically unhip.