As someone who has been around critically ill, long term lingering people ( my brothers) one thing I do recommend in the How Should I Act question:
Act normal.
They know they are sick. They probably would like a diversion from the needles/meds/general shittiness of whatever it is they have and want to hear about Other Stuff: news, sports, weather, what celebrities are whoring themselves today.
Let the sick person lead the conversation.
Also, if they are into crosswords/word searches/reading the paper/gossip mags/car mags/whatever mags, take a current issue or three to them. Especially if they are in the hospital. It is so mindnumbingly boring there and the TV sucks
( even if you pay for the cable,.)If being so ill you are in the hospital is bad, being numb in the brain there is worse.
Also, if Grandpa has any secret food recipes that you adore, now would be the time to ask for him to write it down for you.
My mom swears she is taking her Egg Salad Recipe to the grave and I told her I will get up on the altar and canvas all the relatives at her funeral for The Secret Combination. This mortifies her to no end.
For people who are very sick in general, including the Dying, one of the greatest gifts you can give them is relief from the tedium that is every single day.
Being very sick is a lonely, depressing and sometimes scary thing. Even more so in the hospital, less at home.
The meds often steal away your ability to think, so many of your old hobbies are taken. Pain meds in particular make it hard to concentrate so reading or writing and other things that you love you cannot enjoy.
Know too that even people who are blessed by good friends and family who think to call and visit, usually only get calls or visits in the evening. (Most of us have to work during the day.) So they get a day full of tedium and then too much attention at night. If you can, call in the morning and/or afternoon.
When my father died, it was as if a fog came over me. I felt like I was sleep walking through most of the first three days. That was the mind’s way of protecting me from the harshness of the truth. I let the truth in just a little at a time. Meanwhile, friends relatives saw me through. No one expected much of me.
Floaty, that black pit that you describe is what grieving is. And that horrible empty feeling is the price we pay for having loved someone so much. When your heart has healed from his loss, you will know again that loving him and being loved by him was worth it all. You will have the memories and they will be a treasure for all of your life.
Purgatory Creek described how hard it was to get used to the idea of not being able to be with a certain loved one ever again. For me, this was like running into a wall. There was just no way to get around it. Sometimes it felt so bad that it took my breath away.
But after a while, his death won’t be the first thing that you think of in the morning. When that happens, you’ll know that you have taken the first step toward healing.
Maybe if you express some of your love in words to your grandmother in the future, you will find that talking about your feelings can be a good thing. And you know, you can always talk about your anger here even when you may not want to talk about that with your grandparents.
Be very patient with yourself in the days to come. Don’t turn your anger inward.
None of us can believe how fast he went. He went to the hospital a few days ago, deteriorated quickly, then died. His last meal was ice cream. He died holding my aunts hand and holding a gift from his daughter in the other.
Wakes are usually events where you go to a funeral home (or maybe a church’s basement/gathering room), and the casket is near the head of the room. People go to the casket and gaze upon the person’s body one last time, or if it’s closed-casket, may just stand there to reflect on the person’s life and perhaps pray a little. There may or may not be a display there - I’ve seen things like framed pictures/collages of the person and family/friends, photo albums, and even a computerized slideshow of photos from across the years, running on a loop on a small TV. Sometimes some of the bereaved, like the immediate family, may line up before the casket to make it easier for attendees to speak with them. Afterwards, people tend to stand around and talk, comfort whoever needs it, and chat with people they haven’t seen in forever. There aren’t any speeches or hymns or anything; sometimes there’s a prayer. There isn’t any pressing reason to arrive at the start time as there probably aren’t any scheduled events, and people tend to come and go at wakes, staying as long as they’re able or feel comfortable doing.
Having a loved one die sucks. It’s painful and shocking. No matter how “prepared” you are it’s painful. The more you loved the person the more painful it is.
That said - it’s also a perfectly normal part of life.
Even for those of us comfortable with our emotions grief is very uncomfortable. I strongly encourage you to let those emotions out. If you can’t bring yourself to cry in public then do so in private. If you have had emotional problems in the past it is entirely reasonable to speak with a professional counselor about this. Or you can simply ride it out, as you see fit.
There is no “right way” to feel or behave during this grieving process. It is alright to be upset. It is also alright to be happy to see people you haven’t seen for awhile when gathering for wakes/funerals/memorials. It’s OK to laugh about good memories of the deceased. I’ve been to funerals where the whole room is laughing one minute, crying the next, then back to laughing. It’s a very intense experience, but I assure you that everyone else in the room will be going through the same thing and not paying much attention to you.
After the funeral you will have good days and bad days. Sometimes, the reality that the person is now gone forever will hit you like a ton of bricks. You will miss this person.
It is not unusual for this sort of grieving to last six months or a year, although the intensity should diminish with time. Again, if you have concerns due to a past history of your own counseling is not unreasonable, even if all it does is provide reassurance that your emotions are normal - and if not, then it’s best to get help early.
One more thing - if you aren’t sure what to say then say “I’m sorry about your loss”. It may feel hopelessly inadequate, but when I have been on the receiving end I have invariably found it a comfort to have that terrible loss acknowledged.
I’m very sorry for your loss. The wake is a gathering of friends and family. You lean on each other, remember the good times, and say good-byes. If they choose to have an open casket, people will go up and look at him and say good bye or say a prayer.
The viewing thing can be VERY unsettling to some people. You are NOT required to do this! If you feel that you want to, be prepared for his appearance to be “not really much like he looked in life”. It’s ok to cry and to talk to him if you want. It’s also OK to go up with someone if you feel too freaked out to go up alone.
Other than that, you’ll see that people are alternately strong and crumbling within the span of a few minutes. Sometimes you’ll be the shoulder and sometimes you’ll be the person sobbing into one. Many people also feel strangely detached during the wake and funeral. That’s fine too. We all grieve in our own way. There is no “wrong” way. Just be there for everyone and they’ll be there for you.
So sorry, butI know exactly what you are going through, my father died last tuesday.
Now for the whole life goes on part.
The indigestion will go away, trust me. The food fairy really comes out with a vengeance. We still have people dropping off food <urp>
Now - the annoying part comes if they were not organized. I want to get a vodun to bring my father back so I can kill him again. mrAru and my brother have put in about 30 hours so far and at least 100 more to go just sorting through my fathers paperwork [looking for financial information for the probative items like accounts, insurance and investments] and clothing. We are cheating and decided since it is down to 3 of us that since the house belongs to mom, the contents are too so we dont have to do the yours mine and his thing to sell off anything, we are going to wait until mom passes and divide teh physical goods up then. The clothing is going to a homeless shelter.
Then we get to put the will through probate.
Maybe rez him again and kill him again.
The whole real life after death thing can be a lot of suckitude.
The good parts are finding little treasures - pictures of family vacations, little postcards or joke gifts … and showing them and telling the stories behind the items…
FloatyGimpy, I’m so sorry for you and your family. My heart goes out to you. aruvqan, you and your family also have my sympathies.
There is a lot of wonderful advice here. I’m going to add something slightly different. Please don’t take this as insensitive or in any way suggesting that you do something you don’t feel up to.
When I’m sad or angry, what helps me is doing something concrete and practical. After a death, there are lots of mundane things that need to be done. It may bring you peace to do some of them, and it may help your mother and grandmother to know that you can be relied on to take care of things. Make sure your mother and grandmother eat over the next few weeks/months. Make them dinner and clean up afterwards. Make sure their houses are clean. (They may take comfort in doing it themselves, or they may not feel up to it.) People will probably bring over food for your family. If you can, keep track of who brought what, so that you can thank them and return their correct Tupperware. Eventually, someone will need to go through your grandfather’s clothes and personal effects and decide what to do with them. There’s no rush on this, but when your grandmother is ready, you could offer to help with it. That kind of thing. Ask your mother and grandmother what they need, and do it for them.
Doing this kind of simple, practical stuff helps me deal with grief and feel somewhat in control. YMMV.
I’m doing ok. It hasn’t really sunk in yet. For some reason I keep forgetting how old he is. He was 66.
Thanks for the condolences and replies. I think I’d rather go to a funeral than a wake from the sounds of it. I sure hope they aren’t having an open casket. I don’t want to see that.
If you go and it’s open casket sit in the back. If anyone asks why you don’t get closer say “I want my last memory of him to be when he was alive and able to talk to me”.
Squeamishness over open-casket is pretty common and 99.9% of the world is very understanding about it.
I’m not an expert on death. I experienced my first death 3 months ago when my 30-year-old uncle very unexpectedly died. We did not get along. We grew up together so it was kind of like my jackass older brother just died. I don’t know anything, I’m still dealing with it. I’m still gaping in disbelief at the family photographs of us that have always been there, the way his presence has always been a part of my identity landscape, and now it’s just over and I don’t know.
The best advice I can give is do not judge yourself for any of your feelings. I don’t care what they are or how wrong they feel. Let yourself feel without guilt. Let yourself be sad, angry, relieved, jealous, grateful, whatever. Do not judge your emotions, let them be. I am continuously learning this, even today I learned this, because I have been impacted by his death far more than I ever would have guessed, and I keep saying to myself, You have no right to feel this pain, you had nothing but negative feelings about him when he was alive, this is ridiculous and asinine so stop it! I wanted to weep today but I felt like I didn’t deserve to weep. I’m sure you can imagine how helpful that’s been for me. :rolleyes: Once I realized what I was doing, I quit it and now I feel much more at peace. No matter what you say to yourself about how you should feel, you’re going to feel. Your feelings don’t care what you ‘‘should’’ be doing. Judging your feelings will only make the pain worse and hinder grieving and healing.
Grief and healing are not a straight line. Sometimes it feels to me like the pain is over and I will be moving on easily. Then other days, like today, it’s as fresh as it was the day that news hit. I encourage you to have patience with yourself through this process. Just take care of yourself. Really take care of yourself. Comfort yourself as you would a cherished relative, wrap yourself in warmth and safety.
Here is a quote that I found tremendously helpful in the immediacy following my uncle’s death and which only makes more and more sense and time goes on:
When my dad died, my mother, sister, and I were given a little time to see his body in the casket before anyone else arrived for the wake. I winced at first, but then we noticed that his hair was completely wrong. He would have never had his hair combed like that in life, and we notified the funeral home staff member that the hair had to be combed differently. When that person left to get a comb, we managed to kind of laugh that he would haunt us if we’d let anyone see him like that or buried him like that.
What the others said about seeing the body, by the way. Stay in the back if you like; there will be others who don’t want to see the body or think it’s too unnatural.
When my grandpa passed away from cancer, I regretted not giving him a hug the last time I saw him alive. I thought “that’s ok, I’ll see him later”. Then I heard that he died and I still regret not walking the 50 feet over to hug him. It would have been uncomfortable for him, but I think it would have meant a lot to him and so much more to me.
So if possible, think of all the things you would have wanted to do with your grandpa if he passed away, and do them. Take that time to let him know how much you care about him and how appreciated he is.
Other than that, try to be there for your family and listen to the stories and the expressions of love, sadness and sorrow. Be there for your family and support one another. That’s all you can really do. Again, you have my condolences.
Oh, floaty - when the frustration hits feel free to PM a rant to me … you can be frustrated at all sorts of things, including being ‘abandoned’ … and when you get down, immediately let yourself feel sad but counter it with a memory of something happy!