Okay, here’s the situation. I recently contacted a woman through an online personals ad. Based on her profile we seemed fairly compatible, etc. etc. Then she responded back with some details that I could’ve lived without, including that she has had two children die of sickle-cell anemia, “but i’m healthy and i can still have a lot more … i want at least 5 soon.” (She is 25, btw) Also, “I’m looking for something long term, possibly marriage in the future. Life is just too short to be waiting around you know?” (Keep in mind this is her FIRST e-mail to me!)
But the kicker, and the cause of my uncertainty, is how she closed her note. Right after the above quote, she said “I’ve come [sic] to that realization when I lost my grandmother a couple of days ago. the love my grandfather had and still has for her, I want that.”
So now I am wondering: did her grandmother’s death mess her up a little bit? Her e-mail really didn’t seem much like her profile. Her profile talked about herself in a manner that seemed mature, sensible and level-headed. But her initial e-mail makes her seem like a bit of a wacko. It could be she’s still grieving over the loss of her grandmother, and doesn’t understand how it is affecting her.
So, I feel I have four options ahead of me: 1- E-mail her back and ignore her strange and overly familiar statements; 2- E-mail her back and gently point out the differences I’ve noted above, and recommend she get therapy; 3- make up some excuse to blow her off; or 4- Never e-mail her again.
Since there is no shortage of people dispensing free advice ont his board, I know some kind of consensus will emerge.
Some people don’t come across well in written mediums. Life’s too short, yes, but I’d give this woman a chance. Meet for coffee or drinks for a short stint, and if she still seems a bit too “wacky” as you say, then no harm done.
I see how you feel a bit afraid of her, I wouldnt divulge 90% of that info that she emailed you if I’d never even met you. TMI indeed
I recommend Option 1 plus Wait and See: if her next e-mails reflect the sensible person from the profile then hooray, and if they represent the wacko from the e-mail, then option 4. Everyone can have off days.
Ever meet someone you really wanted to impress, and found yourself saying really weird things, and kicked yourself after, thinking “Man, I hope s/he doesn’t think I’m actually like that!”?
I vote for number 4. Personally, I would put more weight in someone’s communication to me than a profile (which could have been tweaked and edited by friends). The fact that you have to rationalize the behavior/email from someone you don’t even know should be a red flag that getting to know them better may not be a good idea.
Tell her how sorry you are for the loss of her grandmother, and how you are sure that her grandparent’s relationship was lovely. Ignore the rest of it and gently try to encourage sane discussion. If she hasn’t become sane in 2-3 weeks (or some other fairly arbitrary period of time) say you don’t think things are meshing and perhaps the two f you should look elsewhere.
Are you looking for a serious, long-term relationship? If so, give her a try. If not, don’t respond to her (just say you’re still looking or something). Also, sickle cell anemia is genetic, so I would think twice about having children with someone who may be a carrier of this horrible disease.
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I’d like to point out that, while sickle cell anemia is genetic, it’s recessive. Both parents have to be carriers in order for the children to develop the disease. (Even in that case, the odds of any particular child getting the disease is only one in four. The woman in the OP sounds exceptionally unlucky.) If Lizard isn’t a carrier, he doesn’t have to worry about it.
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I vote #1, provided you are also on the market for a long term relationship - I bet the death did mess her up a bit. I also think she is just trying to help you understand where she is coming from. Just because she wants a love like her grandparents doesn’t mean she thinks it will be you that gives it to her. She is just trying to tell you what she is looking for as long as she knows what she wants (many people don’t know what they want). IN doing so, she is giving you the chance to respond, “Well, I don’t want a long term thing right now so we would be better off not wasting each other’s time.”
DO NOT REPLY TO HER!!! She has real problems that you will probably be just as happy not to have to deal with. Sickle cell anemia typically only kills you after age 40 or so. It’s unlikely she has had two young children die of this, and SHE WANTS FIVE MORE. I gotta think she’s lying.
She’s talking marriage after one email! Whoa. My bet is the next email will mention money someplace. Maybe not, “Send it to me,” but somewhere she’ll want to know how much you got.
The grandmother? Who knows what the truth is there.
Lizard asked:
Sickle cell anemia is a genetic condition, much more common in blacks. It developed to give immunity, no cite - working off memory here, to malaria. When it emerged, generally thought to be several thousand years ago in Africa, it gave an large adavantage to the carriers. One of the biggest killers then was malaria, which kills at any age, and is particullaryly hard on children. Since you don’t die of SCA until 40 or so you were done reproducing by then, the average life then being 40 or less.
Remember that funny noise the Hanna Barbara cartoon characters made when they began running away from something so fast their legs pinwheeled in mid air?
Call me cynical, but I simply don’t believe that someone who has had 2 children die from a horrible disease will just bring that up in casual emails. She’s either
Lying, as someone has already brought up
or
Not playing with a full deck
I really have never heard of children dying from sickle cell anemia, isn’t it something that is treated, similar to diabetes or asthma as far as being a chronic ailment?
I’m sure you can find someone more stable on your personals website.
I’d say a modified #4. Don’t e-mail back, report her unusual mail to the webmaster of that personals site, and keep a record of all e-mail she sends you.
How long have you been in the online personals game? If you’re new at it, you’re making decisions way too early. Correspond for a bit just to see if the profile gels with the emails. Still, I hear warning bells.
If you’ve been at online personals for a while, you should already know the answer. And if you’ve been at this a while, and your asking here, re-evaluate. Can’t you hear the warning bells by now?