So you’re saying you’re the grand arbiter of how people choose to express themselves to you? Are you looking for a relationship or interviewing for a job position? I mean, that’s what relationships are about - getting to know each other and finding out if your lives mesh. Apparently yours don’t. You should be glad that she was mature enough to cut to the chase and save you the possible surprise of finding these things out later.
I’m saying that it seems you’ve already formed a negative image of her, and I can’t see why you would seek further counsel on the matter. Apparently she doesn’t meet your standards or fit your needs. If you’re really looking for advice then why do you immediately shoot down any opposing opinions? I just don’t see that you’re actually open to hearing another viewpoint, and just looking for people to justify your opinion of her, that’s all.
But what really matters is this: are you more turned off by the manner in which she chose to present herself or the actual content of the missive? Does it disturb you that she wants children and a serious relationship, or just that she’s so open and forthright? Either way, I don’t think she’s the kind of person you’re looking for, but it would help greatly to clarify your position if you determined what it was that disturbed you so.
That makes no sense. You say, relationships are about getting to know each other, and you say he should be glad that she “was mature enough” to skip that development entirely. One or the other.
According to your definition of superficial: Perhaps because he’s trying not to be it?
No, she offered her personal information. That’s how you start to get to know someone. His response?
She was mature enough to skip all the bullshit mind games that people play and get right to the getting to know you. She laid herself out, said ‘this is who I am’. His response says to me that he’s not ready to get to know someone.
I would be interested to learn if he was clear in his profile that he expects only superficial replies.
Yes, my definition of superficial. Let’s consult Merriam Webster, shall we?
Bolding mine. It seems that the information she presented to him was quite substantive and significant, and he was not looking for that kind of information. Thus he was seeking only a superficial correspondence.
Or, to cut through all the semantics and put it bluntly:
She told you about all this upfront because if you’re the kind of guy to be the least bit weirded out by all that, you’re probably not her type. At least that’s the way I would feel about it.
Getting to know someone is the most important part of building a relationship (well, at least a successful one) - which would fall under “bullshit mind games,” I guess. She’s not letting him get to know her, she’s telling him everything right out of the gate. That, to me, sounds like a bullshit mind game too.
You misunderstand me. I meant that his asking for advice (which you were questioning) is his way of trying to see if he’s being superficial or not in his concern that her behavior so far has been bizarre.
OP, I say “run away.” What some call “skipping bullshit mind games,” others (me) call “skipping building a healthy relationship from the ground up.”
And how else does one get to know us, but that we tell them about ourselves? I don’t quite follow how introducing oneself defeats the purpose of ‘getting to know you’.
And you misunderstand me. The tone I get from the OP is that he doesn’t want a serious relationship, is disturbed by this woman’s letter, yet he wants to respond to her? I don’t see why he would be looking for adivce, let alone responding when he’s clearly got his mind set that she’s a weirdo.
Upfront honesty and building a healthy relationship are not mutually exclusive. I fail to see where you find fault with that. If we all waited to tell the world who we are until we found someone who would listen, there would be far too many lonely people out there, and far too many wonderful stories left untold.
From XJETGIRLX: “She told you about all this upfront because if you’re the kind of guy to be the least bit weirded out by all that, you’re probably not her type.”
Couple that with Shodan’s: “You haven’t even met her, and she is making you uncomfortable.”
Because since she did it this way, there’s no getting. It’s got. It’s in the getting that a relationship is built, not in dumping everything on him all at once.
And boiling what she said down to “introducing oneself” is inappropriate oversimplification, given that even those in the thread who advise giving her a chance agree that her behavior was really unusual.
You really think that that scant bit of information is all there is to be ‘got’ about her? You think that constitutes the essence of her being, the end-all and be-all of who she is?
Unusual for an acquaintance or business meeting, yes. For a dating service where the point is to possibly find a romantic partner? I think not. I’d think that those would be the most important type facts to clear up right off the bat. In fact, I’d go so far as to say anyone who doesn’t share that type of information with someone they’re thinking about dating is acting very unusual. I know that if I were corresponding with someone I had the intention of possibly dating I would sure as hell want to know what they wanted out of a relationship.
Over the last thirty years or so, we seem to have gone from “Does she kiss on the first date?” to “Will she tell me about her dead children on the first e-mail?”
After reading the OP, I thought perhaps it was worth ignoring her opening e-mail and giving her a try. However, the more I think of it, the more it bothers me that a 25 year-old has lost two children to sickle cell anemia. It just seems… off. I don’t know. Maybe she’s just really horribly unlucky. Maybe not. But I, being paranoid, would probably write her off.
I suspect that what the OP (& others, who’ve told him either to run or be very hesitant) are thinking is something like this:
Lots of factors - questions, if you will - can be involved in “getting to know” someone & finding out a compatibility level. What sort of food that person likes to eat, for example, or whether that person tends towards neatness or messiness are questions that may come into play.
Both of these examples could be seen as being “superficial” topics, but they may have a very real bearing on whether two people can have a lasting relationship: What if one person leaves her stuff wherever she feels like it and the other can’t stand having clothes on his floor? What if he’s a roving gastronome & she only likes chicken & rice? These could very well be issues that make or break a relationship despite the fact that they seem superficial.
The above are also topics of discussion that (while still having relevance to the question of whether one might choose to date a particular person) aren’t as emotionally loaded as topics such as marriage or the deaths of loved ones. IOW, some seemingly ‘superficial’ topics can not only break the ice, but have bearing on whether a relationship will be pursued. I think that the fact that this woman chose to immediately relate some emotionally heavy personal information in combination with the fact that she seemed to express immediate desires is what threw the OP.
What I mean is, it’s one thing (IMHO) to say (in an opening e-mail), “Ultimately, I’d like to get married and have at least a few children while I’m still young enough to enjoy the experience”, while it’s perhaps quite another to say things like “Life is just too short to be waiting around you know?” & “i want at least 5 [children] soon”. I (a woman, if it makes a difference) would take these as hints - hints with which I’d be uncomfortable.
All that being said… I’d feel a bit uncomfortable with all that info too - especially in combination with the (possibly entirely valid, but odd-sounding) mention of the sickle-cell deaths of two children. Uncomfortable enough to cut off contact? Probably not yet, no. I’d advise the OP to give her another couple e-mails before you run for the hills - make sure that the weirdness you felt wasn’t just a one-time misconnection.
Shodan and Sarcastro, I think you guys are making perfect sense. XJETGIRLX is simply unwilling to concede a point she has lost on logical grounds. There’s really no reason to argue it further.
As for me, I’m leaning towards trying one more e-mail. But I’m really not sre what to say in it. “Gee, too bad your kids died” just seems a little. . . .gauche.
Actually, I’m pretty squarely with XJETGIRLX (and shijinn, I see) on this one. The OP has already decided that this woman is completely and totally out of line, that she’s “off-kilter”. In other words, that she’s a weirdo. He doesn’t want our opinions, he just wants us to affirm his personal decisions.
Yes, there are probably much better ways to phrase the stuff she put in that email. Yes, that’s probably more info than he really, strictly needed to know at this. But I can’t say that this woman is being inappropriate, really. She has very specific things that she’s looking for in a relationship, and she clearly doesn’t want to waste time with someone who has incompatible relationship goals. If she’s been doing this dating thing any time at all, she’s been burned more than once by guys who aren’t looking to get married, or who don’t want kids, or are unwilling to deal with the emotional baggage of her previous marriage and her children’s deaths. Getting the major potential dealbreakers out in the open right from the very start probably saves her a whole lot of time.
She might be a perfectly reasonable person who isn’t expressing herself with her wonted eloquence because of the fallout of her recent loss. She might be a raving nutjob. I don’t know, because I don’t know her. Neither does the OP.
One thing I do know is that this relationship wouldn’t work out, even if the OP was willing to give it a chance. She has very clear and specific goals for a relationship, and the OP doesn’t. He doesn’t know if he ultimately wants to get married and have five or so kids, because he doesn’t know what it is that he wants. The odds of him deciding that he wants what she wants are pretty low. The odds of her hanging around while he figures out what the hell it is that he wants are even lower.
My vote: Write back and tell her that you don’t know what you want from a relationship, exactly, but right now you’re not looking to get married and have kids, so you don’t think it would work out.
Isn’t the real question the OP is asking “Do you think the death of her grandmother is what’s causing her to be like this?”
IMHO it certainly could be- if she’s focused on death and you caught her at a weird time, she may have just spilled guts and out it all came. Kind of like when you’re stressed out and just have a stream of conciousness rambling session, then feel better after.
So I think that the death of her grandmother could definately have been a big part of why she sent that very TMI note. I also would not get involved with her, but that’s just me.
