A monkey? Really? Will a puppet do?
It might. Depends on the guy. I’d take a puppet since a real monkey would be problematic, appreciating the thought behind it.
I don’t know if I would date someone who moves in gangsta-rappers circles 
But the point is, it doesn’t depend on his buddies reaction; it depends on how my SO talks about me, because that reflects how he thinks about me. It also depends on the influence his buddies have over him. If my SO would come home to me, puts his foot down and out of the blue says: “Tom, Dick and Harry say you should stop playing these mind games with me” I’d be veeeery angry, whetether the complaint was justified or not. I’d think it a totally wimp thing to do; can’t he make up his own mind about me wtihout the help of Tom, Dick and Harry? But as long as his buddies don’t confront me, my BF can talk to them all he likes.
So, what **SusanStoHelit ** said.
Fair enough. Double standards suck. Maybe the best way to prevent trouble thing is, like MaxtheVool said, to declare some secrets confidential. I’d also think it would be best to make sure both worlds stay separate. It would be a nightmare if one spouse had a friend over who kept on giving the other spouse knowing contemptuous looks and kept on having hushed conversations that abruptly ended when the spouse entered the room.
First of all, your description of “girlfriends” sounds like this is some giggling circle of airheads I met at work six weeks ago. I’m talking about one single friend, one confidante, whom I’ve known since highschool (we’re both 37 now). Many women are blessed with such a friend. Sometimes their mother or sister is the friend.
And I gave the wrong impression when I said I would have little to talk about if it wasn’t my SO. I talk with my best friend about anything, cabbages and kings, ships and sealing wax. I don’t like talking about work problems with my friend: it’s bad enough to deal with those at work. But my friend and I feel most close when we talk about people and relationships. Relationships and the feelings of the people close to us, are a our primary interest, and I would feel cut off from my friend if I couldn’t talk about the most important relationship in my life.
I agree completely. I’m not convinced that the average woman doesn’t make up her mind about her man with the help of her friends, but hopefully I am mistaken on that one.
Agreed. On both sides, this confidentiality must be respected, or serious trust issues lay in wait.
I’m familiar with the airhead girlfriend concept, but I was referring more to your examples of close female friends. So many fewer letters to type in “girlfriends”, though.
Accepting this clarification, I retract my observation. I was thinking about the numerous complaints I’ve heard from platonic female friends about how annoying their girlfriends are when they get new boyfriends, because all they want to talk about is him. You do not seem to be in this category.
Okay, how about men value respect in the context of the correct understanding of respect? Your complaint appears to be purely semantic. Is it?
You got that right. I have never maintained a relationship with such a woman. However, I have been in relationships with various women, several of whom had at least one of those shortcomings. Thankfully, none had all. And it did indeed help to be able to vent to my buddy. Until one day when one found out, and all hell broke loose. So what if all her girlfriends knew all our intimate sexual details, it was not cool for me to share with my friend that she got crazy when her time of the month came. Infuriating. Then again, we were young and stupid, so I suppose I could write that off as simply the ignorance of youth.
There you go, you have encapsulated an ideal response to the OP: Be a mature, respectful, stable adult. Oh yeah, I need me some of that. Bad.
By the way, how do you pronounce your handle?
It seems to me, gleaning things out of this thread, that an old standby of what people need in a relationship is true
COMMUNICATION
Everyone says they want that, but I think we go astray in assuming that we all have the same definition. Communication, at least to me, doesn’t mean sharing every little thought and emotion that passes through my head. Some things I want to keep internal for a little while to digest. Communication comes into play by making it clear to my S.O. that I don’t feel ready to discuss the issue right now because I’m still working it in my head. It also means my S.O. accepts that at face value.
Transparency in motive, excepting suprise parties, can make for a much better relationship. If everyone says clearly what they need and want in a respectful manner, generally they’ll get it from the person who loves them. Why? Because your lover wants to make you happy. If they can’t give it to you, at least you can discuss why and how to work around the issue. The main point is that both sides should know the needs of the other without having to guess and, by knowing these facts, also know where compromises need to be reached.
Sometimes one partner loves getting surprise gifts but the other loathes just guessing in the dark. Obviously both people are going to need to come to an understanding about how to handle this difference in wants. They can’t do that if one side or the other simply isn’t clued in or feels stifled from communicating for fear of a screaming match.
Respect. Acceptance. Communication.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CanvasShoes
No, and they weren’t irony quotes. Just quotes meant to say that it could mean different things to different people. And it does.
Some people see “respect” as meaning that the person never disagrees with them, or is “mean” or has a thought of their own. While to others it means that they are “nice” to them (another ambiguous word).
Did it sound like a complaint? It’s certainly not meant to be, more of a caveat. In other words, you can’t really make a blanket statement about what respect is, and expect it to cover all situations, all couples, all individuals. And therefore, you can’t really determine whether it is wtihout a doubt “more important” than love, or any other characterisistic of a relationship.
And what is the “correct” meaning of respect anyway?
Dictionary.com says this:
To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
To relate or refer to; concern.
n.
A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem. See Synonyms at regard.
The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.
respects Polite expressions of consideration or deference: pay one’s respects.
A particular aspect, feature, or detail: In many respects this is an important decision.
Hmmmmmmm, even the definitions can be taken many different ways. Deferential? that could range from simple manners, to expeccting to be accorded “kingdom/queendom” of the household.
(these are JUST examples)…
If a man considered it “respectful” that a woman be deferential to his wishes that she “not worry her pretty little head about that silly working outside the home thing” well, I’m afraid many women would be pretty DISrespectful to that man.
And by the same token, if a woman considered it “respectful” that a man never ever utter any four letter words or anything scary, or too violent that might offend her delicate female sensibilities…well in this day and age, a lot of guys are going to seem to her, to be disrespectful.
See what I mean? And, no, it’s not a complaint, it’s merely pointing out that it’s not a black and white “this (where “this” = some set criteria for what defines respect) is respect” kinda explanation.
Does that make better sense?
SUE-san Sto-HEE-lit. It’s from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books, so I’ve never heard it pronounced, but that’s how I say it in my head.
A-men!
We all need us some of that. I’m glad we can agree on this. I tend to get a bit defensive whenever anyone says that women can’t ever talk to their girlfriends about thier relationships, because that is exactly what my abusive (ex)boyfriend demanded from me. He said that it was about privacy, but it was really about isolating me so that he could control me better.
I know that for most guys, it really is just about privacy, but women need a support network to share the experiences and wisdom necessary to recognize assholes.
Don’t try to fix me. I’m not broken. Don’t try to train me. I’m not a pet.
I think a lot of the respect comments come down to this. In my eyes, respect means assuming the other person is a rational, responsible adult who has made conscious choices about the way they do things. Women who try to fix or train their partners come across as believing they know better than these poor slovenly savages how they should behave.
Now, that doesn’t mean I’m unwilling to change something to make my partner happier, as long as she is willing to treat me as an adult when she expresses her desire for me to change. For that matter, I may have good reasons for not changing, and anyone I have a relationship with must be willing to accept that.
Damn, I’m learning stuff about men. My answer to this question was totally different. I agree that sometimes we are asked to do something when we are busy doing something else (with differences in importance), but I’ll admit that many times I forget (as opposed to once in awhile).
To me the “if something’s wrong, TELL ME!” means if something is wrong don’t say “Nothing”, tell me that I spent too much time flirting with Mrs. Jones at the party.
“I’m not an infant, don’t nag me?” means I can see the peas on the table and don’t need you to point them out, I don’t want to wear a coat so don’t tell me that I should. I like standing here, so don’t tell me to sit down. This is what I call “mother henning”. Please don’t do it.
I’m not disagreeing with the others, just pointing out there are differences despite the fact we all agree on the basic idea.
Much better word. I meant debate point, but that didn’t sound right. My language skills are, well, male.
Anytime you can dissect something and show that it really wasn’t respect, that would be an incorrect meaning.
But he is being disrespectful toward her. Controlliing is not cool, as pointed out by Susan. Respect is a two way street.
I don’t see that as respect, either, but rather controlling. At this point I may be picking nits.
Respect as in respect each other’s boundaries. Pretty straightforward. Come to think of it, your example of the curse-averse woman. Let’s say she’s born again, or otherwise has a reasonable motive behind her desire. Yes, it would indeed be disrespectful to continue to swear in front of her with no regard for her feelings. The fact that many men would appear to her to be disrespectful doesn’t mean that they aren’t being disrespectful; it just means she is severely limiting her available dating pool.
Yes, but I still disagree. Respect is, in my mind, an easily identifiable trait, and highly valued by men, possibly more so than by women. But I’m cool if you’d like to agree to disagree.
You disrespectin’ me?
Well, I’m not sure if I really disagree with you. Just that what constitutes respect for one person, could be seen as controlling by another, hence making those two people not so compatible.
But you bring up an intersting point with the “limiting one’s dating pool” statement. Sorry if this is too off topic, but imho, isnt’ that the whole idea? To limit it down to THE ONE?
Personally, I don’t see these requirements as restrictive, but rather as doing the job they were meant to do, that of putting the right people, with the right partners.
I’m just not one for whom just any old warm body will do, I WANT to narrow it down to THE best match to me in personality, sexuality and mentality, if that makes sense.
Sorry OP, if that’s too off topic
I did start this thread with the idea of showing respect towards a single individual, so no, you are not too far off topic.
I’d certainly agree that finding a mate has a lot to do with finding a “fault set” you can live with, so limiting one’s dating pool to people who potentially fit that category is good idea. This is why, no matter how desperate you are, you should never look for a date in an organization you disagree with. If you’re looking for love at a Republican Party Fund Raiser or at your local Folk Dance Class, you better like Republicans or folk dancers. Back closer to topic, I think accepting your mate’s (reasonable) fault set goes a long way to showing respect. I mean, I knew the Devil’s Grandfather liked to play video games before we moved in together. Occasionally I curse the investors of EverCrack, but I try to make sure he gets an hour or so to play before I start subtly (ha!) hinting that he should do something else. I’m not sure if I’m being respectful or being an enabler, but it is working so far.
Preach it, spittle of the toad. I couldn’t have said it better myself.