I had read a while ago about all the elaborate precautions that women have to take when going on a first-time date with a stranger - such as notifying a friend in advance (in case the woman doesn’t make it home safe by a certain time,) or covering their drink with their hand to prevent a drug from being slipped in, or having a friend sit several tables away to observe the date, etc.
I cannot understand how a woman can do all that mentally, and still get into a “date mood” at the same time. How do you balance “This man may be my future husband, my partner for life” with “this man may be a predator who plans to harm me?” Like, how can someone think anything romantic if they are also thinking, “I’m dating a potential predator?”
Now, I understand the purpose of a first-time date isn’t so much romance as to figure out whether two people are compatible or not, but still, it seems hard to fathom how one could pull it off mentally with that sort of worry or concern in the back of one’s mind.
Sorry for painting with lots of broad brushes and stereotypes, I just have a hard time fathoming the mental juggling involved. It seems like walking a mental tightrope.
Welcome to the wonderful world of womanhood! Now ask yourself how we work with men, or go to school with them, having to keep it in the backs of our minds that it still might not be safe to be alone with them, especially if alcohol is involved.
I am not a woman, but I grew up with five sisters, and I legit don’t think any of them took precautions or cared about any of that before dates in my many talks with them over the years, they would always just play it by ear. So I don’t think being afraid of harm is universal.
It’s not binary, where someone is either a huge risk or no risk at all.
Sex itself is risky, intrinsically so: it creates vulnerabilities. So does love, if it comes to that.
I’m not female and have not had to deal with the additional layer of having to worry about being physically overpowered and molested or raped or otherwise physically mistreaed on a date. I’m not saying it can’t or has never happened to a male by a female perpetrator, but it’s really and truly something I did not feel a need to take into account. But sex is still a vulnerability-making proposition, as is dating, as is love, and there’s a certain sense of risk-taking right from the onset if you know what I mean.
Yes. And a lot of what you do in a first date is evaluate “do i enjoy this person’s company?” That includes “do i feel safe with this person?” Surely men think about those things, too.
Friends have told me their first dates were at a restaurant. Meeting at a public place is safer.
Things have changed a lot since my youth. I usually picked up the woman at her home. That’s no longer considered safe until the people know each other.
My only experience is through the eyes of my young adult daughters. They learned quickly how to deal with the potential threats of dangerous dates.
Despite my warnings and teachings of “don’t judge a book by its cover” (i.e. seemingly nice guys aren’t always nice), these were just words to them. They needed to learn and experience this on their own. And they did.
They both had a bad dating experience early on (not rape, but close to it). They also have a friend (girl) who was raped, and another friend (male) who is now serving a 7 year prison sentence for statutory rape (he was 21, she was 16).
Thereafter, my daughters vetted potential dates more thoroughly, made sure their dates were in public spaces until they really knew the guy, and carry protection.
They are both now in stable relationships (whew), but they both still carry pepper spray (which I approve of), and knives (which I don’t approve of—my oldest used hers to scare off a maniac who jumped into her car while she was parking, but that could have gone terribly wrong if he wrestled the knife from her).
It’s not easy being green if you’re a frog, and it’s not easy dating if you’re a woman. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, because the world isn’t all unicorns and cotton candy. I believe most women learn that at an early age. It’s a shame it has to be like that.
I actually do wonder what it’s like for women at work when they are going to meet a male coworker for the first time. I figure it must be exhausting in a way. In my work there are lots of engineers and various levels of leadership, formal and informal, and a fair sized population of women in both groups. I see them approach me and/or other guys with such an appearance of confidence and comfort, but I know some must be even a bit apprehensive inside about whether they’re going to be stuck with a mansplainer, or some “accidental” groping asshole or what.
Honestly, when i approach a new man at work, i just assume he’s going to be a valued and cooperative colleague until/unless he gives me reason to reevaluate that. People often live up to expectations, and there’s less emotional work on my part to just start off assuming the best.
In many decades of work, I’ve only had weird sexualized interactions a handful of times. And I’m loud, so I’m usually heard.
