Help! I need dating advice

I’ve had a personal ad in Yahoo for about a month, & I’ve come to a conclusion: I don’t know wtf I’m doing.

My personal ad works: I got several responses & four dates out of it. Of those 4, two wanted to go out with me again, and two I wanted to go out with again. Alas, there wasn’t any overlap. :frowning: Even the ones I didn’t want to go out with again were interesting.

Other than that, I’m clueless.

Here are my questions (Note that I’m 37, this may affect the answers somewhat):

How long should I wait for a contact to ask to meet me? I’m sort of expecting about one week, or two e-mails. Should I ask him out if it’s longer, or continue to wait?

If I ask him out, should I pay? (remember, this is Texas)

What is better for a first meeting date? Out for dinner, or meet for coffee? If it’s coffee, should I expect him to pay, dutch or play it by ear? If he wants to go dutch, is he cheap?

If I’m in contact with more than one guy, do I tell my date that I have other prospects (so to speak)? If so, at what point? What if my date is encouraging me to talk about other guys? On the first date?

How should I dress? My figure is such that I look better dressed up a little.

Let’s say I like the guy and want to go out with him again. So far, I’ve been sent a message to the person, telling him how much I enjoyed the date & asking him for another date - my treat. Is this appropriate, too much or too little? Would it be appropriate to kiss him on the cheek at the end of the date, if he’s not making any moves?

Now let’s say I really like the guy and I’m tired of sitting in restaurants. So I invite him back to my place. What does this tell him?

Should I offer him a drink if he comes over? What should I have: I expect I should have coffee (regular & decaf) anything else? Should I offer a sweet like cookies or brownies?

One person that I went out with I was very, very attracted to. Frankly, I was quite willing to go to bed with him at the end of our one date. Maybe this isn’t sensible, but how do communicate this? I was sending out as many signals as I knew and either he didn’t get it or I was missing something. Umm, if you’re lurking, Hi Dwayne!

Phew, this is all just for the first date. If I actually get a second date, I’ll probably have more questions!

I would especially like input from guys.

Thanks

…in a state so nonintuitive it can only be called weird…

Zyada, why do you not try to just be yourself?
I would say to give up on a personals ad, go out, and don’t go out looking for a date. Go out looking for fun. Usually that way, if you do run into someone, you will be as you normally are, and appearances won’t matter because if they do, they won’t approach you. If in a situation where you may need to pay, reach for your money (obviously) and the question will be answered for you: if he says he’ll pay, let him.

Perhaps this is not good advice, but it’s what I would do.

./^_/^\

< o | o >
.<_ | _>
…\U/

I’ve had experience with newspaper personals and I’d say it’s not much different than any other kind of dating except that you probably know less about them. I’d take it real slow - get to know them real well and don’t rush the sex! If being in Texas means the men
are, uh, old-fashioned shall we say, they may be put off by a romantically assertive woman, but I think a brief embrace and kiss on the cheek or mouth (NO TONGUE) is an appropriate “I’m interested” signal on a first date. No matter where you are, I think sex on the first date is a mistake, especially if you’re looking for a long-term (marriage?) relationship. It’ll be interesting to see what the guys say, but I say “old-fashioned” (i.e., play hard to get) is the best. Sure, send signals, dress up, bat the eyes, touch his hand, but let him make the more serious overtures and pursue you. And I don’t mean you shouldn’t call him - those days are over - just don’t call him until after the second date and then give it 3-4 days at least. I think a first and second date is too soon to invite him to your place. He may see it as an invitation for sex and if you’re not ready, it could get ugly. As for who pays - that’s easy: if he doesn’t make it clear, when the check comes, you haul out your wallet, at which point he may say “oh I’ll take care of this.” If he doesn’t say anything, with wallet in hand, you look him in the eye and say “shall we go Dutch?” At which point he’ll either agree or offer to pay.

First, I’d like to say that Wolf of Were’s advice is pretty good. You should take it. But, since you asked all of those questions, let me try to answer them for you.

gee, I would wait longer than that, maybe get to know him a little over email. But I’m pretty cautious; I don’t trust internet people.

Honey, you aren’t a hooker; even here in Texas you don’t have to let the man pay for everything. Especially if you asked him out. The rule is the asker pays.

I say see a movie and then coffee. That way, if there’s a lull in conversation, you can talk about the movie. Plus it’s not too formal for a first date.

There’s no rule that says that one date means you can’t see other guys. (Well, there is in high school, but we won’t get into that.) There’s no reason that you should tell him that he is one of many (or a few). Just play it by ear. If things start to get serious, you can talk about it.

Dress to make yourself comfortable. If you don’t like the clothes that you are wearing, or you fee awkward, your date will notice. And it’s not a turn-on. If you feel sexier dressed up a little, then do it. Just make sure that it fits in with where you are going 9ie, don’t wear a cocktail dress to a football game – but you already knew that.)

That’s fine. Just give him time to decide whether he wants to see you again. Don’t rush him.

[Quote
Would it be appropriate to kiss him on the cheek at the end of the date, if he’s not making any moves?
[/Quote]

Why not? Girls can make the first move, too, ya know.

It tells me you want to get laid. Not all guys will stick around after that (which I’m sure you know), but I know from personal experience that some will. Just make sure you are prepared for either outcome.

Unless one of you is against drinking, I would offer a drink. Coffee is good, too. Cookies or brownies might be overdoing it, but if they are something you normally offer to guests, why not?

Um, can’t help you with this. I don’t know how “adults” let someone know they want sex. I usually just start making out with the guy. Not very subtle, is it?

Oh yeah. If anybody older and more experienced says that I’m wrong, you should probably listen to them.


Cessandra

It’s frightening how many crazies think that world is going to end in a few days. All of us smart people know that it’s not ending until next year.

After reading Wolf’s reply, I have to agree with him that getting out there is the best way to meet Mr.Right. I met a couple real nice guys thru the newspaper personals - met a couple losers too. We’d get along great on the phone, but the dating never came to anything serious. No horrible experiences, but I grew weary of it, decided not to worry about it. I met my s.o. through my job - it was very unexpected and the last thing on my mind - and he pursued me. That was 4 years ago.

[The following responses are the opinions of an inexpert. The responder is male, however, if that’s any help ;).]

<DL><DT>How long should I wait for a contact to ask to meet me? I’m sort of expecting about one week, or two e-mails. Should I ask him out if it’s longer, or continue to wait?

<DD>Unless you are talking about how often to do laundry, anything more than a week is too long. Anything less than a week is too short. Men are stupud and are likely to be spooked if you seem too eager too early in the relationship (I speak from experience, having been one for 2 score years). Mind you, not all men are spooked by such behavior, and they come in two types:

[list=1][li]The confident, level-headed sort who recognizes that you are interested and don’t like to waste time pretending to be coy;[/li]
[li]The devious exploiter of women who sees your undisguised interest as a green light to exploit you as much as you will allow.[/list=1][/li]
<DD>Alas, I can’t advise you how to tell one from the other, but as long as you do not put up with asinine behavior, you will tend to disabuse the second sort of any notion that you are an easy mark before very long, and they will usually depart on their own, to seek out easier prey.

<DT>If I ask him out, should I pay? (remember, this is Texas)

<DD>Why shouldn’t you? After all this is the nineties (for a few more days, anyhow). If he offers to pay, however, I don’t see why you shouldn’t take him up on it.

<DT>What is better for a first meeting date? Out for dinner, or meet for coffee? If it’s coffee, should I expect him to pay, dutch or play it by ear? If he wants to go dutch, is he cheap?

<DD>The advice given above regarding movie then dinner can not be improved upon, so I won’t even try.

<DT>If I’m in contact with more than one guy, do I tell my date that I have other prospects (so to speak)? If so, at what point? What if my date is encouraging me to talk about other guys? On the first date?

<DD>When do you tell your date you have other prospects? If he’s a complete ass, tell him right away. If he doesn’t make his excuses and leave immediately, it is either because he’s too dense to hear that you’ve told him you’re already looking for his replacement (which is what you will have told him, regardless of your intent) or he is looking for a graceful way to make his exit without looking like more of a fool than he already feels like.

<DD>If he is asking, it could either be that he is trying to figure out how desperate you are (he’ll ask more questions, I’m certain – that bit of info is not enough to go on all by itself) or is trying to make conversation and doesn’t know better.

<DD>Unless you’ve been together long enough to trust one another, it is poor form (to say the least) to bring up the subject of other people you might rather be with than the person you’re with. On a first date, it’s rude for either person to bring the subject up except under very unusual circumstances.

<DD>Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if your date started talking about all the other women who are just lined up and waiting to take your place – even if he doesn’t put it in precisely those terms. It’s insensitive, at the very least. Calling such behavior “rude” is more polite than they deserve.

<DT>How should I dress? My figure is such that I look better dressed up a little.

<DD>Dress appropriately for the activity you will be enjoying on your date. If he gives you a choice in the matter, opt for the activity that allows you to dress up. If it becomes serious, he will only care peripherally how you look, unless your appearance indicates poor health, injury or sickness, in which case his concern will not be your appearance, but your wellbeing.

<DD>If he says anything derogatory about your appearance, he’s an idiot or a fool. If he doesn’t realize he’s being a fool in a very short time, he’s a jerk. Do not suffer such behavior any longer than necessary. Show him the door (he may require directions).

<DD>DO NOT ask “Does this make my butt look big?” (nor any question like it.) There is no correct answer to this question. Imagine what the right answer could possibly be, and remember what I said above about men being stoopid. Even if there is a correct answer, our neurons are incapable of formulating that reply. The only way you might expect hear it is if he is clairvoyant (very, VERY unlikely) or if you handed him a crib sheet before you threw this pop quiz at him.

<DD>If he’s not overly stupid, he will complement you on how nice you look without being prompted. If he doesn’t, perhaps he’s not what you need, anyway.

<DT>Let’s say I like the guy and want to go out with him again. So far, I’ve been sent a message to the person, telling him how much I enjoyed the date & asking him for another date - my treat. Is this appropriate, too much or too little?

<DD>Sounds about right to me. I’d like to know if the person I was dating was interested in me, and nowadays, it’s the asker who’s expected to pick up the tab, unless it’s clearly understood otherwise.

<DD>I wouldn’t give the other person too many invitations, however, as he might misinterpret this as an invitation to use you, rather than an opportunity to get to know you better. One second chance is all you should allow. If he doesn’t seem interested, it’s probably because he isn’t interested. He either doesn’t know how to tell you this without being insulting, or he’s a jerk who, though not interested, is willing to string you along until he finds a better prospect.

<DT>Would it be appropriate to kiss him on the cheek at the end of the date, if he’s not making any moves?

<DD>The advice given above is better than any I could tell you. He’s either not interested, or he doesn’t want to risk overwhelming you too early in the relationship. Of course, if this is the seventh date and he’s still showing no interest, find a replacement for him. He’s either a jerk or hopelessly unable to express emotion.

<DD>How many times would you take your cup to a faucet if you could never get any water out of it? How long would it take you to realize there is probably another faucet somewhere that works?

<DT>Now let’s say I really like the guy and I’m tired of sitting in restaurants. So I invite him back to my place. What does this tell him?

<DD>This probably tells him “I want to have sex”. Remember – very few neurons, and many of those dedicated to sex, for good or ill. Of course, if bringing him to your place means bringing him to a place with other people in it (like children or grandma, etc.), it might suggest that you were considering him as a prospective marriage partner. Carefully observe his reactions. This will tell you a lot about him, especially if you’ve been dating him a while.

<DT>Should I offer him a drink if he comes over?

<DD>It’s the polite thing to do. Why not?

<DT>What should I have: I expect I should have coffee (regular & decaf) anything else?

<DD>I prefer soda (sugar free & decaf) or tea (decaf) unless it’s morning, but that’s just me. Sometimes a glass of water is all I need. He should politely accept what you have to offer, unless he has special health concerns. If he suggests something you don’t have, he should gracefully accept that you don’t have it. If he complains, he is not being a gracious guest.

<DT>Should I offer a sweet like cookies or brownies?

<DD>The advice given above is better than any I could offer. Of course, if you had enticed him over with an offer of milk and cookies…

<DT>One person that I went out with I was very, very attracted to. Frankly, I was quite willing to go to bed with him at the end of our one date. Maybe this isn’t sensible, but how do communicate this?

<DD>This depends. All forms of birth control have something called a failure rate. The condom (when used properly – but who do you know with a diploma in condom use?) has a failure rate of about 1% last I checked. Every other form of contraception has

Actually, it’s the pill that has such a low failure rate. A condom is safe too, as long as you use some common sense. Choose a condom with spermicide and a reservoir tip, and avoid the ultra-thin ones. If you’re not sure about how to use a condom, then read the instructions on the box. My humble opinion is that the majority of failed condoms is due to user error.

Now, for the OP, I’d suggest a fairly short date, in a public place. Lunch, a drink or two (ONLY two), or any other function that lasts about an hour or two.

There is nothing wrong with meeting people over the internet (I’ve met about eight people so far, counting the Houston Dopers). You just have to keep in mind that just because you communicate in a chat room, or over email, that you don’t really know that person. Stay safe.

As far as calling or not calling: Screw the games. Call him if you want to. To me, the “Rules” of dating are: Be safe. Have fun. Be honest. Fuck the bullshit games.

I’ve gotta ditto the “You want to have sex” comments. That is exactly what an invitation to your place would tell me. If you’re tired of sitting at resturants, then find something else to do. Personally, I’d take my dates to comedy clubs, live band performances, the Pink Floyd laser show at the Burke Baker Planatarium, movies, the park, and a few other places that I can’t think of off hand. After a few dates, you’lget a general feel for wether or not the guy you’re dating just wants to screw. Then you can decide if you want to take him home for drinks, sex, or whatever.

And yes, I’m old fashoned. :smiley:

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

It’s been a good 10+ years since I dated, but I can still make a few basic suggestions…

Be careful - there are lots of creeps on the 'net. Why not have some phone conversations first?

I realize that Texas is a totally separate culture. Having lived most of my life in NYC, I’d be somewhat resentful if a woman asked me out and expected me to pay for everything. Whoever does the asking, does the paying. Or at least split the check. (At least make an effort to pay, and thank the guy if he insists on paying.)

If you think you’ll enjoy spending time with this person, I’d suggest a show and a dinner (do they have theatre, art galleries, etc in Texas, or just rodeo?) If you’re not sure the guy is worth it, research further. I practically always went dutch, and I’m not cheap.

It’s fair and proper to tell the guy as early as possible (before the first date, if possible) what you’re looking and that you’re seeing other people. (It might actually set their mind at ease. Most males are afraid of women who set their sites on them only and try to pressure them into an exclusive relationship.)

Be honest. Be yourself. If you don’t wear 3 pounds of makeup every day, don’t wear them on the date. Dress appropriately for the date (i.e., don’t wear tight jeans / low cut tank top in a fancy shmancy restaurant)

It’s appropriate. By the way, unless the first date was a total bomb, he should phone or e-mail you soon afterwards to thank you, and you should thank him.

In general, a hug + a (closed-mouth) kiss on the lips would be acceptable, unless he has terrible halitosis, or totally freaks you out, etc. It’;s OK for you to try to kiss him.

In an ideal world, it would mean just that - you’ve invited him to your place. In the real world, it might mean inviting date rape. Some men believe that a woman inviting them to her place thereby consents to sexual intercourse and can’t possible mean “NO”. Practically, expect the guy at your place to pop the question.

Remember: alcohol lowers inhibitions but dulls your sensory inputs. If you do end up in the sack, you would have had better time if you were 100% sober.

If you’re looking for a one-night stand, you can ask if he’d like to come up to your place for a nightcap/coffee/to look at your etchings and take it from there. If you’re looking to have multiple dates or a long-term relationship, control yourself (but feel free to tell him afterwards, if and when something occurs, how you felt on the first date - it might make him feel good.)

Last but not least - practice SAFE SEX. Always use a condom.

I hope this all helps. Good luck. Happy New Year.

I browsed thru other good dopers’ responses and one thing startled me:

This certainly wasn’t the case in my h.s., (but I left it almost 20 years ago). Do today’s teenagers really feel this way? This sounds wrong to me. You shold be able to date multiple people (where “date” means “date” not “heavy petting”) until and unless you decide to have an exclusive relationship with someone. High school kids are too young to get married. What a concept. :frowning:

OMG…OMG…am I still in the dark ages. Somebody should have told me all this shit a long time ago…like 9 years ago when I started dating again…and they should have told the guys that want to date me.
Maybe we just do things different in the good ole South. To begin with…I never call a guy until after at least the fourth or fifth date…and then only if they ask me to. I don’t invite them back to my place for anything…unless we’ve been dating for a while. When a man asks me for a date…he pays. I have had so many girlfriends tell me about calling guys…and you can tell from the guy’s responses they are trying to brush the girls off. I’ve listened to guys talking before…making fun of girls calling them and not getting the message. I am afraid that I have too much pride and self-respect for that. I let a man know that I am interested…and of course…depending on the situation…most know how I feel about dating and calling and the sex deal…so they know what to expect and what not to expect. I mean you should have several basic conversations with a person before you date them. If it is someone off the net…best place to meet is public for coffee…and again…they pay. Under no circumstances do you ever have sex on the first date unless that is the only date you want with that person…no matter what the hell a man says…if you give it up to easy…he thinks you do for everyone. I know I’m old-fashioned…but you would be shocked as hell to know how many old-fashioned men there are still out there too. I’d say anyone under 35…probably has a different set of views and principles…

GREAT comments, everybody. I wish you were all my best friends so I could decompress with you after some of MY dating experiences. (Phone numbers and Haagen-Daaz at the ready?)

One thing, though, needs a tad more comment . . . ::: clears throat, steps on soapbox :::

This is NOT a good sign. If you feel sexual urges before you feel love or affection or even much more than a vague sort of liking, it’s a clear sign that you need to examine your feelings and your intentions a little more closely before you act on them. In most cases, women are not wired that way – more often, sexual urges come after love does – to have it backwards means something’s wrong.

The stories about “love at first sight” or the coup de foudre are just that, stories. Fantasies. Get real.

Usually when that sort of sexual ignition goes on you’re coming from the hungry place – you’re lonely or frustrated or bored or anxious or desperate – and when you come from that place it’s guaranteed you will NOT make good choices.

This sort of vulnerable woman is the unfortunate prey of the dog of the species, those men that look to exploit exactly that kind of momentary weakness to their advantage. They’re very skilled at sizing up the situation and taking advantage of it . . . of you.

That’s not what you want, is it?

There’s altogether too many of that kind around – heck, I bet some of them even read this board.

Check yourself out, be wary, be careful . . . and good luck.

your humble TubaDiva


“Life isn’t what should be, it’s what is.”-- Lenny Bruce

I am a 27 year old guy who frankly has been stood up more times than I have had dates. You are actually faring much better than me and a more ppl than you realize…keep at it. Experience and learning from past mistakes is what we need. Sounds like you have more confidence than me…keep it up…you will succeed.

zyada – be yourself. Don’t do anything that you are uncomfortable with. Trust your inner voice; if it starts telling you that something is wrong, believe it and clear out. Even if you can’t put your finger on exactly what is bothering you, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Male or female dating can be dangerous. No matter where or how you meet up with people you need to be careful in the choices you make. Stay in public. Stay sober. Make sure you have your own money, transportation, etc.

But all the advice in the world cannot replace what you feel in your heart. Trust that voice. And please, please be careful. I like you and I would hate for anything or anyone to hurt you.

Best!
Byz

zyada, what’s the matter with the guys on the board? Why don’t you date some of them? Some of them seem pretty decent & you can read their old messages…better than risking so much on someone you don’t know.

INTERNET ROMANCES, handy would say, are the EASIEST of all relationships to do. yuck.

Some pretty good advice on here for you Zyada. Protect yourself in all ways. There are definitely nuts in this world, but some incredibly wonderful people too. Above all, be honest… to yourself and to whoever you meet. Being lied to can be most hurtful.

Hope you have fun!! :slight_smile:


We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another

One of my friends compares Internet romances to jailhouse romances, he says they have the same components going on. These include deep passion (mostly unrequited), longing, lots of talking and little real action, big promises, bigger lies, and, most importantly of all, the incredible power of fantasy.

I have to admit, he’s got a point. I see no difference in “Oh honey, what I would do with you if I wasn’t in this jail cell” and “Oh honey, what I would do with you if I could be with you right now and not 1000 miles away.”

Internet relationships are both more and less intimate than real life ones and that makes it a weird environment.

This is not to put off on those folks that have met and cherished one another online, not at all, but I think it’s really the exception rather than the rule.

Like every other thing in life, there’s incredibly wonderful people here . . . and some average folks . . . and some real dangerous characters. And you don’t know which one of those types you might be talking to, telling you how sincere they are . . .how caring they are . . . how they will not violate your trust. (And then, of course, they violate your trust.)

There are some really special people here on this board . . . men AND women . . . but be on the lookout, too. Remember that sign from the Chicago News Bureau, “If your mother says she loves you, check it out.” Ain’t a bad rule for around here, not bad at all.

your humble TubaDiva
*Nobody loves me but my mother,
and she could be jivin’ too."

Erm, you weren’t trying those signals on me were you Zyada honey?
(Not that I’d have noticed. Mrs. Chef says I’m unbelievably obtuse when it comes to realizing that women are flirting with me. Of course maybe none are and she’s trying to salve my ego)

After recently spending an evening with you, I’d say you are a hell of a fun “date,” and if we’d been on a real date it might have been more fun still. You don’t need to change a thing.

TubaDiva said:

This, not to put too fine a point on it, is bullshit. To suggest that women can’t or shouldn’t be sexual beings instead of sublimating their urges into liking ponies and dreaming about Prince Charming is a very outdated way of thinking and perhaps even unconsciously hostile to women. Blow her off.

Hey, if you want to practice your dating skills, I’m available for safe lunches. Of course I can’t help you practice for later dates that promise intimacy, but one step at a time. grin


Live a Lush Life
Da Chef

Grrrr… here I am with a full head of steam ready to respond to TubaDiva, but Chef Troy already did! The whole “there’s something not right if a woman wants to have sex with a man she just met” way of thinking is just crap. We women can want sex just as much as you men do. There aint nothin’ wrong with that. Every long term relationship I’ve had started out with a very strong sexual attraction, usually one that we followed through with. I would think there’s something wrong if I didn’t feel a strong attraction from the outset!

http://www.wildxangel.com/frames.html

Lots of valuable information.

I don’t know what TubaDiva might have meant and I don’t have much dating experience (let’s see, it’s six to date, my parents raised my shy, I’m 18, boy do I feel sheepish), but I do know a bit and conjecture a bit and have read a lot. Basically, it’s ok to have sex on the first date if you’re just looking for sex. It’s also possible to have a real relationship and sex on the first date. However, sex on the first date can be disastrous to a relationship because it makes the two feel closer than they really are and leads to problems later on. I think that that’s all Ann Landers talking right there, but I can’t see anything wrong with it.