My wife died in 2009 - I even posted a Dope thread about it, despite the fact that no-one here has ever heard of me. I am remarried, there is hope.
What’s odd, though, is that I can’t really explain how I coped. I didn’t go to any grief groups, I didn’t seek counselling. Not to denigrate those who do, we’re all different. I knew I’d be crying for a long, long time, and I did cry a lot. I still miss her, of course I do, and missing her has become a part of who I am.
In a way, that’s what’s important. She’s part of me now. That’s the way she’s still around.
I’m so sorry. I haven’t lost an SO, but we did lose a baby.
I wrote a lot, and posted some of it. It was really good to put words down on paper (OK, click them) because it made me complete sentences and write coherent thoughts.
You never forget, but it does get less painful with time.
What an insensitive and frankly asinine thing to say. You imply he’s done something wrong (he hasn’t to say the least) and oh btw it’s none of your business.
The rest of these posts were great and I’m sorry for all of your losses. Giving yourself lots of time and realizing that your journey is uniquely yours and so there are no “supposed to’s” here are the best overall advice IMO…go with what works for you to travel this rocky road ahead. I think grief counseling (whether a group or 1 on 1) is also an excellent idea.
No, Styx, IME that’s being the typical human. What’s typically American is falling into the idea that “only Americans feel this way”. If you ever catch yourself thinking “only I feel this way”, that’s regression to your teens
oreally, I saw curiosity and surprise where you saw “insensitive, asinine things”. I imagine we’re both projecting.
I saw someone sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong and in a “so what else are you keeping from her” kind of way…and to someone in the midst of someone baring their soul about an unbearble pain in an attempt to help someone else, no less. I stand by my initial assessment.
I agree. Grieving sucks very, very much, and everybody wants it to start getting better. Unfortunately in most cases there’s nothing to do except wait it out.
So very sorry for your extremely recent loss. Suggest you visit the message board here, too. You will find people who REALLY understand exactly what you’re experiencing. If you’ve said it a million times it’s because it is the biggest thing on your horizon… and will be for a long time.
I lost my SO in March of 2008. I was in a daze for a couple of weeks. Then, the real grief began. With the passage of time, it became bearable, then somewhat normal. I leaned a lot on family and friends (who were very understanding). Although I did no formal grief counseling, my late brother’s wife was there whenever I needed to talk, along with a couple of other friends who had lost a spouse or SO.
The old expression that time heals? There’s some truth to that, at least for me. Yeah, there’s still some scar tissue, but over time, life’s gone on. I’ve even managed to learn to love again.
May you find solace wherever you can without doing any permanent harm. May you find that you have friends and others who will give emotional support to you (there are many of us who will listen [read] if you PM us). And may you find peace.
I agree with oreally. Most recoupled persons do hide their grief epsodes about their lost spouse or SO from their partners. It’s not “hiding” something, as much as not wanting to upset them with the pain they (unless widowed themselves) can really not understand, esp. if your recoupling is overall very happy.
Most? I don’t know. I’ve wept in front of my new partner, and told her why. How could I not tell her why?
I mean, I’ll spare her all the pain I can. But she knew about this beforehand, and she knows this is in my head. And I don’t know if she “understands”, as such, the specific feelings of losing an SO, but most of us, as adults, have experienced loss. Bereavement and grief are part of the human condition. I’m far from being a perfect partner to Dunkelheit, but I patronise her at my peril.
When my daughter died I developed a simple mantra:
Sometimes you live day to day.
Sometimes you live hour to hour.
Sometimes you live second to second.
That and not caring who saw me crying in public helped me keep my sanity.
There is a lot of sadness in this thread. When my husband died in an auto accident many years ago, I almost lost my mind. I will never be the same person that I was before he died.
But of course, time does ease the pain. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to. Be gentle with yourself.
It’s ok if he does. People can love deeply and sincerely in different ways. I imagine he’s a loving spouse who carries a quiet, secret pain. He keeps it quiet out of love for his spouse, not as a contradiction to that love.
Not to question you since everyone grieves differently but would you say time eases the pain or over time we learn how to better deal with the pain because for me, it is still as painful as it was March 28, 2000 but I am functional 98% of the time, the other 2% being the occassional refusal to sleep due to oneirophobia.
Time did ease the pain for me. I honestly don’t think I’m better able to deal with the pain than I was, but it’s just not as immediate and overwhelming. It’s like blowing out your knee and having that incredible pain for a while and then, after it’s had a long time to heal, feeling mostly okay with twinges on occasion and even terrible pain if you do certain things. That’s the best analogy I can think of at the moment.
Suggest you visit the message board 
When my husband died in an auto accident many years ago, I almost lost my mind. I will never be the same person that I was before he died.