How do you deal with non-support from your family?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Or maybe the question should be, what is our responsibility to our families?

As some of you may recall, my husband and I are trying to open a deli. We are being held up, yet again, by the City. But, that’s a different thread.

Anyway, it has just become apparent to me, that some members of my family do not approve of us taking this risk with some of our money.

This breaks my heart and makes me wonder if I have the right to take this risk.

I’ve never asked anyone in my family for money. I’ve loaned my family money that has never been repaid. I’m not asking any of my family to financially support this endeavor.

But I am risking the last of my cash. I don’t expect that I would have to ask my family for help anytime too soon, even if the very worst happens, but I guess it’s possible that I could need some help for the first time in my adult life.
But they don’t know the exact nature of my finances because I didn’t know it was any of their business. But just for the sake of conversation, I do still have some money in an IRA that I can tap into. We won’t be homeless for at least 3 years and that’s if we don’t find any way to earn even minimum wage during that time.

To be clear. We earned this money, my husband and I. It wasn’t an inheritance.
If that matters.

But speaking of inheritance…

Do I owe an inheritance to my family?

Should they be consulted in matters like this because they might be the ones that have to pick up the pieces if we lose everything?

Should their opinions affect our desire to realize our dream? We might fail. We might succeed and be able to continue to help other family when they need help, as was true up until the last year or two. I just have no idea.

Thank you in advance for your input. As always, I know it will help me cope and deal with this appropriately.

2

My answer, given the facts you’ve noted (you earned your own m oney, you don’t ask them for help, you have provided aid when needed)
is
no
no
no
no
and
they can suck it.

You never “owe” anyone an inheritance, but for someone who is not your dependent child to act like you have to protect your money so they can have it later is stone cold absurd.

3

It’s your money. You and your husband earned it. If your family is worried that you’re risking “their” inheritance, that’s just unacceptable. If (and only IF) they’re worried that you are risking your own future comfort (i.e. being homeless or hungry or unable to afford medical care in the future, and they would be the ones who have to pick up the pieces later,) they may have a valid point, but otherwise? Nope. Ignore them. They aren’t worried about your best interest.

(FTR, I have told my grandmother and my mother that I hope they both swallow their last quarter on their deathbeds. I don’t want a damned thing, except for them to live fulfilling lives, and they don’t owe me a damned thing.)

4

You don’t owe your family an inheritance. They need to shut up about their “concerns.” Unless you’re freeloading off them, they don’t get a say.

Whether your financial risk is well-educated or not, it’s your risk, not theirs.

5

I love what you said to your grandmother. That’s sweet.

But I guess there is a non zero chance that we could need help in the future. Of course, that could happen even if we don’t do the deli. My husband has been unable to find work for over a year. Man, I hate family problems.

There is one person that is so excited for us. Wishes us well, offers to help.

Thanks all of you. This has been an eye opening few days. I wish I could get mad instead of sad.

6

Done in one as the kids say. I’d expect my loved ones to be supportive of whatever I was doing. And those that don’t, won’t get a discount on the delicious deli sandwiches.

7

Is it possible that they are just worried about the risk because they care about you?

My dad and I clash regularly about investments. He has a large percentage of his money in investments that I think are too risky for his age. I don’t want his money. I hope he and Mom spend it all and don’t leave me an inheritance, because they have already given me so much. And of COURSE I would take care of my parents if it came down to it; I’d welcome a chance to do something for them, as they’ve done so much for us. But I do not approve of what he’s doing with his money, not because I care about the money, but because I care about my dad and I don’t want him to be hurt.

(It’s not quite the same situation – my dad’s investments aren’t as risky as all that, and so our arguments aren’t all that heated. But every time we talk, and a couple of times a week by email, we do argue about it and try to convince the other of our rightness. So, no, I don’t support “whatever [he] is doing,” although I do support him.)

So my advice would be… don’t worry about it too much. I mean, you might as well listen to their arguments, because maybe they have good ones. But don’t worry that you owe them anything or vice versa.

8

I have a couple of friends who are on the outs with their kids. They have a fair amount of money (maybe a couple million) and whenever they pick up a check or something, they say, “Don’t worry, we are just spending out kids’ inheritance.” They are not planning to leave their kids one cent. It will all go to charity.

9

The world needs more pastrami and less family friction.

If it’s not too personal, what kind of objections are they making? If they’re arguing that there are already 6 delis in a one mile radius, or pointing out that new restaurants in your area are opening and closing like flowers, they may have a point.

Since its your and your husband’s money, what you do with it is your call. If they’re not dependent on you, you don’t owe anyone an inheritance. You are free to risk it on any venture you want, provided you feel comfortable that the potential payoff is worth the risk.

One question: if you use your IRA as emergency money, will you have to pay outrageous taxes or early withdrawl penalties on it?

10

Someone needs to put that on a T-shirt.

And sell it at a deli!

11

No, you don’t owe your family any of your money. I think in an ideal family, you’d bounce ideas off of them, and they’d give you thoughtful advice. They wouldn’t tell you that what you’re doing is a bad idea just because it isn’t what they would do, or because of the risk involved. As ugly ripe tomato says, there is some level of input that is usually welcome because they might think of something you’ve missed, but after a reasonable discussion, they should support you.

I have some experience with non-supportive family, too, and what I did was just stop talking to them about things where they always felt the need to rain on my parade. Maybe that’s what you need to do, too.

For what it’s worth, you and your husband don’t sound like people who would go to your family with your hands out even if your deli fails; I wouldn’t worry about family needing to pick up your pieces for you.

12

Next time they take a risk of any kind - riding a motorcycle, going waterskiing, whatever - tell them you don’t approve of the risk they’re taking. Apparently it’s OK to voice these concerns about the risks everyone is taking. :stuck_out_tongue:

If no one ever took these sorts of risks, no new small businesses would ever get started. You have the right to take risks in your life; I think the only thing anyone can reasonably ask is that you think things through, and have some kind of backup plan so that you are unlikely to need assistance if things go sideways.

It’s definitely not any of their business.

OK, so you’re taking a risk to start your business, but you’re not taking a stupid risk. You’ve got some cash in reserve in case you fall flat on your face, and an expectation that you’ll be able to find some kind of work before your reserves run out. This all sounds pretty reasonable. I wonder if your disapproving family all have 3 years of cash reserves that they can tap into if they lose their jobs?

It doesn’t matter. Whether you earned it or inherited it, it’s yours to spend or save as you see fit; no one else gets a say.

No. Did you feel that your parents owed you an inheritance?

FWIW, sometimes I’m frustrated by my parents’ unwillingness to spend money on themselves. When they die I’d guess my share of their estate will be a few hundred thousand dollars, but I have no need of it and certainly don’t feel I have any kind of claim on it. I would rather see them spend my inheritance to fly First Class everywhere they travel to, stay in five-star hotels, and buy whatever other perks for themselves that they happen to encounter along the way.

Probably not, since they don’t have all the facts about your financial situation.

13

I find this thread fascinating for myself, 'cos being brought up in Asia, there this concept of filial piety. I don’t really think it was meant that you have to be an absolute slave to your parents, but it’s one way parents can try to persuade* you to care for them in their age.

It’s not bad if your parents are responsible enough with their own life but it’s hard to put up with it if they are gamblers, alcoholic or are practising some other form of practical self-destructive behaviour.

  • Interchangeable with words like manipulate
14

I think you have such an emotional investment in this deli that it can be difficult not to take their concern personally. Chances are that they truly are just concerned about your well-being, and are not thinking with dollar signs in their eyes. Opening a deli is not only a significant financial risk- it is a lot of work. They may be wishing you could spend this time of your life working a nice easy desk job, rather than putting in the blood, sweat and tears that opening this kind of business entails.

If I were concerned about inheritance, my concern would be that I might somehow end up with a deli on my hands that I have no interest in running.

15

even sven I wish I could believe it was out of concern for us. It’s not. I want to be careful with what I say. I don’t want to hurt a family member, should they ever run across this and I’m not anonymous here. So, you’ll have to take my word for it that it isn’t us they’re worried about. Or they have a funny way of showing it, if so.

Here’s what I think it boils down to.

The money we’re spending to open the deli, would go a long way towards fulfilling someone else’s most fervent wish. I believe that some members of my family feel that I should put aside my dream and hopefully an income, to grant this other persons wish.

I could be wrong and a conversation is in order, but we’re letting some time pass to let emotions calm down. So I thought I’d come here. You guys always help me
**
ugly ripe tomato**, yes we would have to pay a penalty to use IRA funds. Hope it doesn’t come to that. And they haven’t really made any objections. They just dance around the, what are we doing with our life? We’re disappointed in you, kind of things.
**
Cat Whisperer**, thank you. I would have an extremely hard time asking for help. That’s for sure.
**
TDN** I love the T-Shirt idea. :slight_smile:

Everyone else, thank you so much. I’ve already started my e-mail to my family. I’m less sad, more disappointed in them now. And you guys are helping me make some very good points in my message to them. I’m encouraged they’ll see their way out of being defensive and realize that they are being unfair. We’ll see.

16

It is a big risk, and it could cost you everything, if you tap those savings. But it’s a risk you’re both willing to take, and it’s your future ultimately.

I am also in the camp that believe your family is ham handedly demonstrating concern for your future well being and security, out of love for you. And that you’re very emotionally invested and actually find it somewhat hurtful.

“Everyone has different risk tolerance level, of course. But this is something I’ve wanted for a long time and am very excited about. If you can’t find it, in yourself, to be excited for me, I’ll try to understand. But do not ask me to dare only what’s in your comfort zone, I cannot do that!” Repeat as required!

You might try straight out reassurance. Assure them that you have financial resources they are unaware of, perhaps. Do you have a plan, if you lose all you’ve put in, and tapped your back up? Will you be able to live, if humbly? Share your plan with them. It’s possible that all they need is your reassurance you’re not going to turn up at their door, if it doesn’t work out!

I’m excited for you, and can’t wait to hear about it, as it unfolds!

17

not what, I’m not trying to burst your bubble, but I don’t know that I’d worry about that e-mail too much. The family members who understand already understand that this is your money and your life and your decision. Those who think that your money should finance their dreams aren’t going to change their opinions. You don’t have to justify yourself.

18

The family member who wants your money to finance their dream - is this a child of yours? They might (MIGHT!) have some say then, but if it’s anyone except a child of yours, they really don’t.

19

Have to second this. If you’ve heard the old saying “never try to teach a pig to sing because it wastes your time and annoys the pig” this is a classic example. All it will do is make them trot out the same tired arguments over and over, giving you the same old stress over and over.

Honestly, even if you make a go of it (and I’m rooting for you-more pastrami dangit! :slight_smile: ) be prepared for the nay-sayers to keep telling you everything they think you’ve done wrong.

20

I don’t want to answer this question, but I would love to hear how you think it might be different if the answer was yes.

Can you think of a scenario where the circumstances might warrant them having a say?

I want to consider everything. I really do want to be fair and a good family member.