How do you deal with non-support from your family?

In My Humble Opinion
21

not what you’d expect, I’m not sure why you feel the need to “deal with” your family’s lack of support in the first place.

You and your husband are grown-ups, it sounds like you’re taking on this venture with your eyes wide open, and it doesn’t have anything to do with anybody else. Sure, it’d be nice if everybody slapped you on the back and wished you all the best and so forth… but if they don’t, so freaking what? You don’t answer to them.

I also don’t know what you hope to accomplish with an email. Even if you have any hope of changing your family members’ attitudes (I’m betting you don’t), how exactly would that impact you and hubby’s plans moving forward? I would hope not at all, so why bother?

22

Not speaking for **Cat Whisperer **here, but IMHO if your family member has their own dream they can do what you did and work and save up the money for it themself (and the grammar police can either get me a proper gender-neutral pronoun or go take a flying leap :p). If it was some kind of life-saving surgery or medical treatment, that’s the only thing that would give them a claim. Anything optional is, well, optional.

HOnestly, I can understand wanting to be fair to your family, but it’s starting to sound like you’re giving them too much control over what happens in your own life. At the end of the day you have to live with the decision you make, and I’d rather live with knowing I risked it all but did something I really wanted, rather than resent myself for getting guilted into financing someone else’s dream.

23

I’m flashing back to a book of fables I had as a kid. There was a story whose title I forget, but I remember the lesson vividly: a man and his son are taking their donkey to town, laden with goods to sell. As the traders approach bridge, several people chime in about exactly how those people, the donkey, and the merchandise should get across that bridge. Finally, the goods and the beast are so very valuable that the consensus is: man and boy should carry the laden donkey across. The donkey, in his unnatural situation, thrashes until he’ launches himself off the bridge, along with the trade goods, and the whole profit is lost. Moral of the story: everyone has an opinion about how you should manage your ass, but it’s still your ass. (Paraphrased…)

Even if the person who wants to spend your earnings happens to be your child, it’s still your money. And if this person’s dreams would be fulfilled by accomplishing this other goal, it will be just that much more satisfying when she’s paid her own way.

Unless you have minor children to raise to adulthood, you don’t owe anyone anything. Including an inheritance or an explanation.

24

No one - not even a child - had a right to tell you what to do with your money. If you choose to flush it down the toilet (I’d rather you sent it to me) you can do so; it’s your money.

It’s not like you are giving the money to (insert cult name here). You are starting a business that may very well employ you and support you for the rest of your life. You may find youselves in the position to provide jobs for others and give back to the community in other ways. You are doing a good thing. Yes, there’s a risk, but many worthwhile goals involve some degree of risk.

Fulfilling the “fervent wish” of someone else is not your job or your responsibility. Don’t let the opinion of someone who wants your money to discourage you from following your dream.

25

There is an expectation in the United States that parents will pay for their adult children to go to college - I don’t exactly buy into that myself, but that’s the culture YOU’RE living in (from what I’ve seen on these boards). If the person in question is a child of yours who is due to start college in fall and has been counting on you paying their way through, then you come to them with, “Sorry! We’re starting a deli instead!”, I can see the child having a hard time changing gears with you.

If the child is basically an adult who wants you to pay for their plastic surgery or a new car or something that an adult should buy for themselves, then too bad for them.

26

I have pondered and this is the only thing I can come up with: if you had a minor child and were spending the money you had previously set aside for that child’s education on this venture, they still wouldn’t have a say, but I would expect you to think long and hard about what you are taking away from your child before spending money previously set aside for their benefit.

This presumes that you had, in the past, set money aside specifically for ther use, and that they knew about it, and relied on the expectation of receiving it when making their own life plans.

I can think of no scenario where an adult family member would have any say, that doesn’t involve using their money.

In total disclosure, when I was about 12 my parents took from me a substantial sum of money that I had inherited from my grandma to support their business. I remained resentful about this for many years, however, although they never paid me the exact sum back directly, my parents paid my student loans for many years to make up for it, and I may have come out ahead in the end. They also never touched any savings I personally earned; honestly they wouldn’t dream of considering such money “theirs” no matter that I was 12.

27

I’m not advocating for minor children to have veto power over parents’ plans, but I can see how this magnitude of decision might impact a kid a lot. For example, parents’ business plans might necessitate a move to a new school, or both parents being away all the time, or having to give up a sport because there’s no available money to pay the fees. If the impact to the child is large and probably negative, I would certainly have a conversation with child in which the child’s opinions were heard and respected.

If it’s an adult child wanting an expensive wedding, (IMHO) tell him/her to finance their own. :stuck_out_tongue:

28

{double post}

29

The only way I can see it is IF you were managing a trust for a family member, and you used the trust funds to finance your deli, which was apparently a scenario on an ep of Kitchen Nightmares my wife saw this weekend.

If you earned, inherited, or won the money, its yours to do with what you will. You have 0 responsibility to provide funds to anyone as an inheritance, even your kids, if you don’t want to.

Sounds to me like cousin Eddie is getting greedy.

30

Yep - these are things that I can see being relevant.

If you set aside funds for your child’s education, they were counting on them, and then you decided to use the $$ for your deli I think they would have a valid complaint.

If the child had inherited the $$ and it was in trust and you used it for your deli they would have a valid complaint.

If the child was very ill, or had a medical condition that could be treated/cured with the $$ and you used it for the deli they would have a valid complaint.

If your child was hoping you would finance their new nose, or backpacking around Europe, or flash new car or the deli that THEY wanted to open, well, they can get stuffed.

31

Thanks. No minor children are involved. No trust funds either. I wish!

I think we’re going to ask for their moral support and try to make sure they understand that part of the whole reason we want to do this, is so that we can help more with the desires of the other family member. We feel like it’s our best shot. We’ll make sure they understand that we were never not going to help at all. It’s just a matter of what we have available, after the deli, not before.

All we can do is hope they will wish us well. It’s in their best interest. Why would I want to help someone that doesn’t wish me well?

32

Keep in mind that, when money is involved, 87%* of people become stark raving lunatics or complete asshats. Or both.

    • I did just make this number up, but, if anything, it sounds low. :smiley:
33

Financially, you’re free to use your money as you wish. You don’t owe anyone else an inheritance.

But on the larger issue of non-support, don’t get confused over what support means. It doesn’t mean agreeing with everything somebody says. Support means doing what you think is best for your loved ones, which sometimes includes telling them you think they’re making a mistake.

I’m not saying you are making a mistake. But understand that your family is expressing legitimate concerns for you.

34

Point taken. Thank you.

35

No minor kids? Open the Deli, have fun.

In perspective, three years financial cover is more than most people ever have. You are in a great position to take this risk.

36

No.

Now … if you had children, and you were just rolling in cash and your kids grew up and turned out ok, yeah, I personally think it’d be pretty shitty if you died and, say, left all your cash to your cat while they’re honestly struggling to get by. Even in that scenario, though, it’s still your money and your decision.

They don’t “have” to do anything if you lose everything and they may very well not do anything if it comes to that. When it comes to money, all bets are off, family or no. If they DO help out, that’s wonderful … but that’s their choice. You can’t live your life on “maybes.”

If these family members are smart businesspeople, their opinions might be worth listening to. I’m a BIG believer in getting counsel before major decisions, though. Ultimately, though, it’s you that’s gonna be on the hook financially and you’ve gotta go your own way.

I think you may have hit on something here. You strike me as a truly sweet lady. Your family might be used to you helping THEM out financially and they’re worried they’ll lose their safety net for good. In which case, they’re really not concerned for you, they’re concerned for themselves.

Ok now THIS is killing me, OP. I understand if you’ve gotta keep things all anonymous and stuff but can you at least, say, throw out a hypothetical situation SIMILAR to your particular situation so we can get a general idea of whether or not this “dream” thing is something truly worthy enough to give you pause vs. someone just wanting to freeload off of you?

I’ve racked my brain and I can’t begin to think of ANY situation where it would be even remotely ok for your family to expect you to foot the bill for someone else’s wish. They sound like they have the biggest set of balls in the Northern Hemisphere, frankly.

If I had family about to open a deli, my only concern would be the fact that restaurants are very, very risky. Nobody ever became great by playing it safe, though (and I say that as someone who has to fight my own aversion to risk to get my hair cut).

37

Thank you for clarifying. What I have to say here is for the sake of perspective.

Yes, absolutely it is your right to spend your money as you wish, and you don’t owe anyone anything.

But, you also have to live with this person, and presumably you would like to continue to have a relationship with them. Your mission now is to figure out how to keep some good will for this person, who I imagine you otherwise like. So, while knowing that it is your money and you are absolutely in the right…try to understand it from their perspective. What are they seeing?

I know that when I enrolled in college, I was given the impression that my college loans would be taken care of after I graduated, and I was encouraged to borrow to the maximum because “that’s the lowest rate loan you will ever get.” I didn’t expect this, but I knew my family had put money away for my education for some time and I was thankful for it. And I made certain decisions based on this idea, such as focusing on my studies and choosing not to take a McJob for pocket change at the risk that it might hurt my grades- and I graduated with honors. I’m not sure what happened- if I misunderstood or if there was a change in priorities or what, but when I graduated my loans were there and I was the one paying for them. Now and then, there is still a reference to me “not having to worry about my undergrad loans.” But what will really happen? I don’t know, and I’ve learned not to count on anything other than myself.

My family is great, and I know they’ve always tried to do the best for me and would never leave me on the street. But that situation was pretty difficult for me to resolve mentally, and I did hold some resentment for quite while- not so much because I felt like I was owed a free education, but because I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me, and if I had full information from the beginning I would have planned things a bit differently. Enough time and distance has passed that I’ve essentially forgotten it, but there were a rough couple of years.

I’m sure my family has some completely different interpretation of what happened that makes perfect sense to them, and probably involves me at some point looking ungrateful and entitled.

I get the impression that the person you are talking about isn’t just a rotten-hearted person. Chances are they somehow, at some point, picked up a set of expectations. It probably came from a lot of things- family culture, maybe some misinterpretation, just plain wishful thinking, some human selfishness etc. And these expectations became real to them. And now they are disappointed. Yes, they have no right to be disappointed. But they are, and even when you have no right it has an emotional impact. It can be tough to make sense of, and when you face what feels to you to be some kind of emotional betrayal or disappointment by someone you are close to, it’s easy to react poorly and to lose sight of the reality of the situation. It sounds to me like they are probably reacting emotionally, not making some calculated move to claim your cash.

For everyone’s sake, probably the best thing you can do now is be patient and diplomatic. Eventually they will get accustomed to the new expectations and will probably become more supportive. And with any luck, hopefully soon you will have some disposable income to help out everyone in your family should you choose to.

38

I’ve bitched about my parent’s spending habits before. And expressed worries–self-centered ones, admittedly–that their mistakes will come back to bite ME in the ass, if it ever comes to me having to support them.

But my frustration is over them wrecklessly spending money that they do not have. My father is now seeking full-time employment because the bills are giving him an ulcer. My mother is in her mid-60s and studying to become a real estate agent, because she’s realizing that her spending habits are not sustainable on a no-income retirement. I feel bad for them that they are in this situation; I thought they would be maxin’ and relaxin’ in retirement. I don’t get into their business enough to know how much of a hole they are in, and of course I will help anyway I can. It’s sad that my parents feel like they have to enter the job market after we’ve already thrown them retirement parties. But such is life and they are doing what they have to do.

If they wanted to start a business to make ends meet, I’d be all for it. Even if it was risky…even if I didn’t think it was going to take off…I would honor my parents by being in their corner and offering them any assistance I could provide.

So no, you don’t owe anyone anything. Do your thing. Your family will “worry” and no doubt talk shit about you behind their back. But if your deli is a success, they will come a-running for all kinds of favors. And you won’t owe them then either. Don’t let family drama slow you down.

39

I’ll answer your questions in no particular order:

Fuck, no; hell, no; no bloody way.

Or if you prefer: una mierda, ni pá Dios, ¿de qué cojones van?

If I’d taken my parents’ desires into account, I would have become a primary school teacher (I like kids ok individually, but in groups I’ll have them roasted thank you), like my Mom. I would have gone to college 90km away from “home”, and come back every weekend to a waiting pile of ironing. Instead, I went 400km away and became a Chemical Engineer.

If I’d done what my family wanted, I would never have moved to the US for graduate school.

If I’d done what my family wanted, I would never have accepted being part of that temporary project which meant a cut in pay, a lot of travel, and enough workload to overwhelm most people, and which eventually led to a promotion which meand a raise in pay, another move to the US (I’d come back in between), a new career…

If I’d done what my family wanted, I would never have joined the growing ranks of the self-employed. I’m not going to go into details, but let me put it this way: I’m a lot happier than when I worked “under contract”, I have a lot more freedom and flexibility, and my mother, who keeps her heart in her wallet and was terrifed of me going into self-employment finds me totally lovely these days :stuck_out_tongue:

40

out of time:

My brother is spending a lot of time, work and money fixing a ruinous house his wife inherited in a place behind the ass-end of nowhere. Would I have chosen to pick up such an inheritance? No. But as I told him once that he asked me whether I thought they’d been wrong to do so, “first, I’m not married to your wife; second, you and I are different enough that what would be the right choice for me isn’t necessarily for you and vice versa; third, we both know it’s a mess but I think that the way you’re dealing with it is perfectly reasonable; fourth, you’re my brother - I have third dibs on the right to kill you, but I’ll support you through anything which doesn’t make me want to exercise that right.”