NWYE you are demonstrating levels of compassion, conscience, and patience which are phenomenal. I’ve been lurking and reading through this thread to see if I can add any advice, compliments, observations, or commiseration that hasn’t already been posted by others. Some of this is difficult because it hits close to home; some of it is easy because I can see notable cross-cultural contrasts.
While reading the many posts and responses in this thread, I’ve been reminded of an old Puritan folk tale that got watered down over time. You might remember it as I paraphrase:
Mama hen gets up at sunrise and says, “I’m going to go scratch up some worms for breakfast. Who will help me?”
“Not I” says the cat, slurping milk from a bowl.
“Not I” said the pig, munching slop from a trough.
Mama hen finishes, comes back, and says “I’m going to….who’s with me?”
“Not I” says the cat; “Not I” says the cow…
[Repeat pattern a few times.]
Mama hen says, “I’m going to bake a pie….”
“Not I”; “Not I”
In the Puritan version, Mama Hen eats her pie alone. The Puritan emphasis is that if you don’t contribute (to Puritans, work = honoring God) you don’t get the benefits (pie, salvation, heaven, whatever).
In the watered-down version, Mama Hen sees the sad eyes of her neighbors as they beg for morsels of her fresh-baked pie; she gives in and shares with everyone. This emphasizes a happy-for-everyone ending and even manages to show Mama Hen as extremely kind-hearted, even when met with indifference and sloth.
If you were part of an older patriarchal society or even a relatively modern Asiatic culture, the whole situation would be easier: As soon as you married your husband you left your family and became part of his family. You would then have no obligations toward your parents or siblings, nor they to you.
But this is a modern world and the rigid ideals of the past are less clearly defined and less strictly followed. The discussions above show that you have chosen not to abandon your roots and that choice has and will cost you. Remember though that, for the last 200 or so years, more and more societies have embraced the notions of individuality and a fundamental right for every person to pursue happiness.
There are two caveats to that, though: Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr famously said, “My right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.” And various scholars have pointed out that the famously identified right is about pursuit, not happiness itself. [Anyone who says you have a right to be happy is trying to sell you something, with a claim that it will make you happy.]
So you’ve established through past behavior that your relatives have a right to ask for your assistance if it makes them happy. You have also shown that you have been willing to provide that assistance. You can, at any time, refuse to assist – particularly if doing so will interfere with your own pursuit of happiness. Their right to pursue your benevolence stops when it harms your efforts to pursue your own happiness (e.g. by investing in a business venture).
At some point in the past, you chose to make an extremely fortunate man part of your family. Cutting through cultural differences and antiquated notions, part of the vows you took at that time included commitments to provide support however you thought was best. I’m going to assume that your marriage was a conscious voluntary act, the point being that such independent volition is not possible regarding the parents and siblings you grow up with, and such a conscious commitment is neither made nor automatically honored amongst parents, children, or siblings. [And, while some Asiatic cultures have a formalized and notable pressure to engage in filial piety – family cohesion and mutual obligation – reality and those idealized values are not always congruent.]
In other words, you might think it’s a nice ideal to have a close cohesive family, but the “One for All and All for One” motto doesn’t govern your interactions. In fact, each family member is free to do as she wishes, whether or not she is aware or mindful of the ramifications and consequences of her decisions and actions. Many children, siblings, and even parents will act in their own best interest, consciously or unconsciously subverting the best interests of the family or particular relatives so that their own gain comes first.
On the other hand, there were some for richer/for poorer, in sickness and in health -type recitations made between you and your husband and I, for one, would think that means you have an obligation to be thoroughly honest about the goal and its chances of success and support not just his pursuit of happiness, but balance that with support for his overall happiness – opening a deli may fulfill his life-long dream; managing a retail business day-in and month-out may give him ulcers; not making the attempt at all might make him depressed; trying and failing may make him miserable. You know him better than anyone else (including, probably, him) so your experience and wisdom may be the most salient factors here.
Your siblings (and parents?) are expressing doubts about your idea to open a deli. Various analytical dopers have suggested A) Those relatives are truly concerned about the effect of this unprecedented risk on your mental/financial/emotional well-being B) Those relatives are concerned for themselves and how your mental/financial/emotional well-being will affect their situations C) Some combination of the two.
The fact of the matter is that food-service businesses have been hardest hit in recent years, with contamination scares and decreased discretionary spending taking big bites out of consumption figures. [Puns intended.] Therefore it’s not completely unreasonable to be concerned about this risk and/or worried that it will fail.
On the other hand, various analysts repeatedly claim we are through the worst of the global recession and on the way back toward prosperity. Couple that with the old pattern of Small Business Loans being given five years to fly or fail and you might be delving into the deli idea at just the right time.
My local recreation department sends out catalogues of its community class offerings. There’s frequently a course or two on ‘Evaluating your start-up business market’ or some such along with the kids gymnastics and teen dance offerings. That type of course would be your first prudent investment in the deli direction.
At the very least, you and your husband owe it to yourselves to conduct exhaustive research on the plusses and minuses of the venture and to be brutally honest with yourselves when reviewing the results of your investigations and calculations. Then you can decide to…
· dive in head-first and waist-deep,
· say, “I can’t do this but I won’t stand in your way”
· say, “Honey, this is a bad idea because….”
The fact that banks aren’t flooding anyone’s mailboxes with SBL offers is probably a good thing. If they turn you down, they’re your final safety net; if your proposal, product, and calculations are convincing enough, you probably have a good chance of succeeding with the venture.
—G!
I’m so confused by the things I read.
I need the truth
But the truth is
I don’t know who to believe
The left says ‘yes’ and the right says ‘no’
I’m so confused
and the more I learn
Well the less that I know
. Dennis DeYoung (Styx)
. Borrowed Time
. from Cornerstone
Warm fuzzies back atcha!
