How do you deal with unorthodox relationships?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi everyone. I am a newbie here at SDMB. Let me give you the background for my question, first.

I am in what can be politely called an unorthodox relationship. I have been dating a great guy for the last 4 years who is very much older than I am (55 to my 22, at present). That’s not the sordid part, though – I met him in high school. He was one of my high school teachers!(Let me emphasize that nothing went on back in h.s. – it was legal all the way.)

To make it worse, I come from a very conservative town in Arizona, where this sort of thing is not handled well. We pretty much kept it under wraps, telling only a few people. Three years ago, I came to Tucson to go to school, and I have still been seeing him. We both thought it would kind of peter out by now, but it now looks like we may have many more years ahead of us. Since I didn’t ever plan for this relationship to be as serious as it now is, I haven’t told most of my Tucson friends about it – they know Ive got a S.O., but only a few know about the age difference, and NONE of them know about our (ahem) previous relationship. Now I am getting ready to tell them, and it is very difficult for me (and I am not looking forward to telling my mom either).

So, I was wondering about the rest of you folks in “unorthodox” relationships. Do you have any advice? Interesting stories about dealing with it? Anyway, what variety of weirdness is out there? I have had a hard time finding intelligent reports from people in my situation. I guess it’s not all that common, as they go, but I’m sure a lot of you have been in analogous situations, and I would like to know what it was like for you.

2

Hi Yumanite!

I’ve spent most of my life in one sort of unorthodox r’ship or another, including several with people twice my age.

I don’t generally explain jack to anyone, myself. I simply assume that my friends won’t have a problem with my r’ship, since it’s really none of their business, and go from there.

Of course, I also find this method to be entertaining, in and of itself. Watching how many (and what sorts of) people never figure out what’s going on; how many/what sorts will spend months squirming with curiousity rather than just ask a polite question; how many/what sorts get uncomfortable once they’ve figured it out or asked, and how they handle that; so on and et cetera. I’m a good bit older than you, though, and somewhat askew from the general populace, so it might not work for you. :slight_smile:

I don’t think I’ve ever lost any friends due to my r’ships. I’ve had a few tell me they weren’t very happy and/or comfortable with my choices, but my friends know better than to try to do more than that. I will acknowledge their feelings and discuss the problem (their feelings, not my r’ship) if they wish, to try and make them more comfortable, but my friends don’t make my life choices for me.

I have lost a few acquaintances, but never any that I regretted (and a few that I was quite happy to see go).

Question: why do you feel the need to tell your friends about your relationship? Especially why would you tell them parts of it (such as how you met) that make you uncomfortable?
Sorry, but I can’t help with the Mum part. My mother is an oddball herself & we aren’t at all close, so she often never finds out anything at all about my SOs.

3

Well, I’ve changed a lot in the last three years. Back when I first came out here, I was actively hiding the aspects of my relationship that I didn’t want to talk about, and some of the people who are my closest friends now have a very mistaken picture in their heads of what the S.O. is like. I feel obligated to tell them the whole thing now so that they will understand why it was such a big deal for me. I have sent some feelers out, though, and there’s at least one guy who just might not understand. Intellectually it’s not a big deal to me, but emotionally it’s difficult.

Another thing is that it’s not just me. My S.O. finds himself in a rather more delicate situation than I when it comes to letting the friends & family know. Neither of us have had any experience in this kind of diplomacy! I kind of assume it might be like when a person comes out of the closet, 'course, I don’t know.

4

When I introduced my then girlfriend, now my wife, to my friends we just showed up. If they like her, that’s great, if they don’t, then that’s unfortunate. I just put the situation out in the open and let them deal with it.

Not everybody’s going to like your situation and there’s really not much you can do about that. If you went out with a ‘conventional’ guy it would be the same way.

Family-wise, I think my parents were just happy that I found someone that’s good for me.

5

Look, kid, your average mindless person has a limited emotional tolerance for outlandishness, and once you exceed that, they tend to blank out with glazed eyes and cease to say anything at all to you.

Example:

AMP: Don’t you just hate it when your girlfriend talks about her previous boyfriends?

Me: Not a problem. For a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that we just finished breaking up.

AMP: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.

Me: Well, I think she really wanted to back to her former lover.

AMP: See!? That’s what I mean. Don’t you just hate that?

Me: Well, I don’t really think her ex was a factor, to tell you the truth. She provided the car to help us move my girlfriend’s stuff out of the house, but it wasn’t like she was gloating or anything. I don’t think she anticipates the two of them getting back together, to tell you the truth.

AMP: She…? Uh, …

Me: Yeah, I was a bit of an anomaly in my girlfriend’s repertoire. I know that she loved me but it just wasn’t meant to be.

AMP: Wow, you made it with a lesbian! Is she into that goth chick stuff?

Me: No, that’s mainly young folks imagery, and she’s 59 and uses different motifs.

AMP: Uh, 59? How old are you?

Me: I’m 42, why?

AMP: And you and your…girlfriend’s ex…uh, girlfriend…uh, were taking her stuff out of the house?

Me: Girlfriend got sick. OK, so it was a well-timed sick. What can I say? At least it wasn’t just the two of us. My previous ex’s current boyfriend pitched in to help out.

AMP: Why would he do that?

Me: Well, we’ve always been on pretty good terms. We had the same girlfriend for a while before she decided to be with him exclusively, and we’re housemates after all.

AMP: Huh? You live with your ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend? And he was your girlfriend’s other boyfriend before she dumped you? And he lives with you instead of her?

Me: Not exactly. She lives with us too, you know.

AMP: Uh…ummm…gee I gotta go, see you…

6

You don’t “tell your friends and family about him” as if it’s a big bad revelation. You introduce him with as little fanfare, justification, or explanation as possible. You are happy and secure with him, right? You aren’t asking for anyone’s permission or opinion, right? So introduce him as if everything is perfectly normal, and let people react as they will. Be as vague as possible about the details that you don’t want to share. And memorize this phrase: “How kind of you to ask.” It is your response to any freaked out personal question. If said with the right tone it shuts people down.

Good luck.

7

“How kind of you to ask.” That’s wonderful! I wish I knew that phrase a long time ago!

AHunter, thanks for sharing your scenario. I’m looking forward to having that kind of conversation myself – I’m just kinda slow in finding my inner confidence. I have no doubt it’s in there somewhere, though.

Another question for everyone – what ‘scandalous’ relationships have you always wanted to have (but haven’t got the opportunity yet, perhaps)?