How do you derail a high-maintenance friend?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

First, a little background: Two jobs ago, I had a cow-orker who would “bulldoze” during meetings. Bulldozing is talking over someone else in a loud voice which gets louder if the other person attempts to complete their thought. Some book I read (or class I took) said that to derail the bulldozer, one should pause, then calmly state, “Andrew, you interrupted me. As I was saying…” This technique worked like a charm for me. I had to do it two or three times, then he stopped bulldozing me.

Now, my current problem is a cow-orker/friend who is incredibly high-maintenance. Examples follow.

Yesterday:

CW: You just walked by this morning without saying hello.
Me: Yeah, I have been really busy today. Good morning!
CW: I thought maybe you were getting too big for your britches.

Today:

Me: Good morning, CW!
CW: So, you deigned to stop by this time. I’m so glad you got off your high horse.
Me: Like I said, I’ve been really busy. But I’m so glad I got time to stop by today.

A few weeks ago:

Me: So, Kara, ready to go to lunch?
CW: (running over to Kara’s cube) Hey, you guys…
Me: Yes?
CW: (looks dejected) Oh, never mind.
Me: CW, if you want something, you could just ask. We can’t help if we don’t know the problem.

A few hours later, I cave:

Me: CW, would you like to come to lunch with me and Kara?
CW: Well, I wouldn’t want to invite myself.
Me: You’re not inviting yourself. I’m inviting you.
CW: Well…
Me: C’mon, CW. “Yes” or “No”. I don’t want a guilt trip.

As you should be able to see, I’m trying to avoid playing her third-grade games… I try to be patient, I swear. I know the last scenario wasn’t good. And this cow-orker has a history of depression. OH MY GOD IT’S DRIVING ME NUTS!!! Will my strategy work – if I stay patient and upbeat in my interactions with her – eventually? Am I on the completely wrong track? Heeeeeeelp!

2

I don’t know why I still call her a friend. Her juvenile attitude (she’s 33, btw) is so grating that I avoid contact with her, if at all possible. She’s a cow-orker, that’s it.

But I still want advice, if there’s any out there…

3

I certainly hope the job pays well, what with orking those cows all day.

:smiley:

4

The “Duh” award of the week goes to me for saying this, but this person is just craving attention, and is very insecure. One thing that works is to NOT play her games. Don’t let yourself be pulled into her traps.

I used to have a friend very similar to this. He would say something like… “Well, I had to save a man’s life today…”

Then he wouldn’t volunteer any more information… he was baiting you… invariably someone would say: “Oh really? How?”

Not me… you acknowledge that they said said something and leave it at that.

To use your example:
Me: So, Kara, ready to go to lunch?
CW: (running over to Kara’s cube) Hey, you guys…
Me: Yes?
CW: (looks dejected) Oh, never mind.
Me: OK. (look back to original friend) …anyway as I was saying… Kara, you ready to go to lunch?

It’s a little harsh, but it also keeps you from getting caught in her insecure traps where you have to do the “No, really… what did you want to say?”. Ugh! I hate that.

E3

5

I was going to tell you to cut all ties (I speak from experience), but if she’s a coworker that isn’t possible.

I’d confront the behavior so she is conscious of it, and knows you see through it. Perhaps some insincere flattery, though, will grease the skids. Both criticism and flattery.

For example, after a “high horse” type of comment:

“CW, you’re so funny! You’re talking exactly like someone with the self-esteem of a worm, and I know you too well to know you’d ACTUALLY say something like that!”

Or, about lunch, (Looking puzzled while laughing) “This isn’t the kind of office where you have to issue a formal invitation for lunch!”

6

I agree with Enright3. The best response is to ignore her silly comments. As you said, she is just a coworker, and not a friend. Do your job and if her comments aren’t related to the job, just ignore them.

7

I don’t think ignoring a coworker is really going to work out too well. There are just too many implications to turning a cold shoulder (especially someone who could turn out to be like Annie in Misery…or Glen Close in Fatal Attraction).

The best way is probably something along the lines of this: say hello every day, be very polite and courteous. Find something she likes to discuss and let that be one of the first things you talk about (like maybe she really like the Twins or Vikings or something). You could start by saying, “hi CW, I’ve only got two minutes but how 'bout them Twins, huh? Magic Number is 13” then at two minutes, excuse yourself. You could also get some of your friends (coworkers) to be in on it. You could do this very blatantly in front of manic depressive CW so she doesn’t think she is being singled out. Then if she calls you on it, you say, well, I do that to everyone, my dear!

Idea two, is to go to lunch with her once a week or once every two weeks. Set the day in advance, like every Wednesday. Go to YOUR favorite lunch place. Treat her once in a while. That way, you get out of any bad feeling/obligation thing with her and you get to eat at your favorite place. This is good protection from any trouble she could start. Then, when you just can’t handle it any longer, just cancel out once in a while, take a business trip on that day. Have lunch with the boss. Find good reasons. Then when she says, “you never have lunch with me anymore”, you can say, Wednesdays are OUR lunchday CW! Just you and me! Of course, lunch with the boss has to take priority. But hey, let’s plan on next week!

Or, you could just get this really nasty tick where you just start spilling stuff all the time. Get her with coffee or pop once or twice and she’ll find a new friend…

8

Canthearya I’m going with Enright3 and monster on this one. Since she’s a coworker and not a friend, treat her as a coworker. You are both there to do a job. If she needs something from you or wants to ask something, then she should. If she hedges, just go on with whatever you’re doing. If she later starts a guilt trip then say, “If you need my help or want something, tell me. That’s the only way I can know.” Like Enright3 said, it might seem kinda harsh, but you’re at work and presumably your job is not to babysit the coworker.

CrankyAsAnOldMan’s advice is good advice for a friend, however. I still wouldn’t let a friend attempt to pull me into a pity trap, but like Cranky I’d be nice about it.

9

It’s simple. She’s saying these things to get a reaction out of you – for you to disagree with her ridiculous statementts. What you have to do is simply agree with her, whatever she says.

Try this:

CW: You just walked by this morning without saying hello.
Me: Yeah, you’re right.
CW: I thought maybe you were getting too big for your britches.
Me: Yeah, you’re right.
CW: ???
Me: Good morning, CW!
CW: So, you deigned to stop by this time. I’m so glad you got off your high horse.
Me: Yeah, you’re right.
CW: ???
Me: So, Kara, ready to go to lunch?
CW: (running over to Kara’s cube) Hey, you guys…
Me: Yes?
CW: (looks dejected) Oh, never mind.
Me: Oh, OK.
CW: ???

Me: CW, would you like to come to lunch with me and Kara?
CW: Well, I wouldn’t want to invite myself.
Me: Oh, OK.
CW: Well…
Me: Oh, OK. Bye.
CW: ???

If you just agree with her and don’t buy into her stupid manipulative games, she’ll find them ineffective and eventually stop.

10

Powers, you are much more patient that I… nAnd you’re looking at the situation like it’s someone I care about. I don’t know her that well and no way in HELL I’m going to lunch with her once a week. Plus, doesn’t it seem like caving in to her demands? She’s getting everything she wants and I get to put up with the “oh-poor-me” attitude. Nope. Not me. Find another sucker.

On the other hand, Billdo, I like your style. I am all over it.