Our church had their Sunday school christmas program yesterday. They had been preparing for it for the last month. My son was excited and looking forward to his part of the show. He was to say a small verse with the rest of his class and sing Away in a Manger. The standard kid stuff. When the time came for him to go up, he refused and wanted his mommy. My wife took him and went on stage with him and he stood there the whole time, not saying a word or singing, then came down after his class had done their thing.
Once sitting down with me, he got really restless and wanted to go back to the stage. This got to the point that he was disturbing other people around me so I took him out to have a talk. We go into a side room with a view of the stage, sit down and he said he wanted to have his turn again so he could say his verse this time. His eyes looked like he was heartbroken. I felt terrible for him. I told him that his turn was over and that he would got a chance next year. I affirmed him because I don’t want him thinking that he has to do something for my approval but I wasn’t sure how to explain regret to him. We talked a bit and he sat in my arms the rest of the service, which is unusual for him.
At home later that evening, he still looked down and my wife and I asked if he wanted to do his verse for us. He said his verse and sang his song with all the actions and looked like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
I found this hard, mostly because I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it.
" I affirmed him because I don’t want him thinking that he has to do something for my approval but I wasn’t sure how to explain regret to him"
I am having trouble understanding this sentence. How does the concept of regret fit in with not wanting him to think he has to please you?
regret means wishing you hadn’t done something. Or wishing you didn’t have to do something.
I think explaining regret would only satisfy one persons emotions in this situation. And those would be YOUR emotions Greenback. Your son learned quite a bit from you be not being able to go back up and say his lines. He actually showed you point blank that he understood by sitting and being quiet for the remainder of the performance. Piaget would say to treat your youngster like a “little adult” and explain everything to them. I find this to work sometimes, but the immediate rewards would not be present for the parent. The parent would have to trust that their little information sponge was absorbing everything.
I don’t want to get oo in depth, but as for your OP, I think the little guy will learn what regret is, and what the consequences of his behaviours are through living life, and being raised by you and your wife. It simply happens over time, you seem to be doing everything quite right as of now though
I think you dealt with it very well, that is the same thing I would do. Lots of kids get stage struck when suddenly faced with a big audience when they are used to practicing with their friends and teachers. It is understandable that he would feel bad that he didn’t get to perform as he had practiced. I am sure he feels better now that he had a chance to show off his part for you.
A complex idea like regret takes time to fully realize, but he just had a little lesson. He probably doesn’t need you to explain regret to him, he just experienced it for himself even if he can’t put it into words yet. It happens a lot at that age because kids are not good at weighing their options yet, so they often make a choice and then feel sad or angry about it. It is all a part of growing up, but in cases like this it is usually easy to soothe them, like you did by having him perform for you. If he seems able to comprehend, you could tell him, ‘next time you have a part you can do it in front of everyone’ so he knows there will be another chance to have a different outcome.
It is hard to get a child this age to understand abstract ideas in words. If you told him beforehand “If you don’t perform then you will feel bad later” he probably is not going to fully comprehend that, he will only understand the fear or anxiety he feels *now[i/]. So the only way for him to understand regret is to go through it.
It sounds like the little guy already understands what regret is, he just doesn’t have a word for it. If you wind up discussing it again, I’d just tell him that that feeling of wishing he’d done somethind differently is called regret. If he understands the concept of an apology, he should understand regret just fine. After all, an apology is just a verbalization of regret.
Regret can also mean wishing having had done something for which the time has now passed.
My sentence was based on him looking at me and how he seemed to be looking for something from me. I may have read that wrong but I told him that I loved him and he seemed to relax a bit and was in my arms the rest of the service.
Thanks Phlsophr. The title was meant more as a lament than a question (I apologize for the poor choice in punctuation). He’s my oldest and this is probably the first time he has been in a position to regret a non-action. I was more than taken aback by his reaction.
Thanks for the vote of confidence Velma.
My sons are 10 now, so I’ve gone through that situation, and a lot more besides that you don’t anticipate coming up. It’s difficult as a parent to deal with that wall between adulthood and childhood. How do you help your children cope with the Big World, when their experiences and context are so different? How do you (and even, should you) shield your offspring from the things they will have to face as they grow up?
It sounds like you did a good job, though Greenback. Giving him the opportunity to do his piece later was exactly the right way to deal with it!
I think you dealt well with the situation, it might have been unfair to give your kid another go, and h might still have had the stage fright when he got up infront of the largeish group again. Next time he has a similar stage part to play, build him up to it. First get him to do his part in front of you, then infront of a few family friends, till he is self assured enough to do it in front of a largish group.
I don’t think it was stage fright as he performed on stage last year just fine.
He did his part this year in front of my family (15 people) for practice and was excited leading up to the night. Maybe this all boils down to him being a little overtired.
We’ll see if he wants to do his part in front of his great-grandparents over the holidays.
