How Do You Get Over The Fear Of Your Kids Driving?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So my oldest son is 18, and doesn’t really drive yet. His dad and I (divorced) both tried to teach him, but in my case I gave up on him because of the anxiety and stress (it was very hard on our relationship) and in my ex’s case my son gave up on him because of his (the ex’s) yelling. Sigh.

But now a turn of events is fixing to conspire to force me to let him drive. I’m going to buy a new used car for myself in a couple of weeks, and I have no excuse to not give him my old car. It’s 20 years old, is faded and dented and scratched, and the a/c went out last summer, so it’s not really sellable for more than maybe a thousand. OTOH, it’s a Honda and very reliable and cheap to run. I’m going to have to get it to oldest son. There’s no way around it.

I think that I’ll be better able to attempt to teach him again, without so much stress because then it won’t be* my* car and livelihood that he is getting ready to transform into a flaming twisted crumpled hunk of death. So we’re going to take back up the lessons once the car is his. Not a problem. Not too anxiety-causing. I’m cool with that.

The problem is, that eventually I will have to let him go, and drive without me. That’s where the gut-clenching, breath-catching, sphincter-tightening waves of evil nausea kick in. How am I going to let this happen?? It’s not him I’m worried about, because I trust that by that time he’ll know what he’s doing. It’s The Other Drivers. They speed, they tailgate, they t-bone, they rear-end. They kill. They don’t even really care if they might kill your kids, because they have phone calls to make and places to go, doncha know? And yes, I have instructed him to not die, but you know kids. They always do exactly the opposite of what you say.

I have anxiety about driving, I will admit. I won’t go into how bad it is, but it’s bad. Driver’s training in school, you advise? Oh yes, they take driver’s training. They use golf carts. Golf. Carts.

I don’t think that I can get over this. And in two short months, his brother will be 16, and here we go again.

Any advice?

2

When you talk about driver training in school, I assume you mean high school. There are plenty of private companies out there that will teach them to drive in an actual car as long as they have their permit. Have you checked any of those out?

3

It’s not really that, though. Once the car is his I think that I will be comfortable teaching him. I believe that I can do a good job of it. Most of the stress before came from the fact that if he crashed, it was my car, and my way to work. Now that factor will be removed. My fear stems more from the fact that it really does take a while for those automatic reflexes that keep you from crashing to be learned, plus the fact that car accidents are the number one cause of death among people his age, and you’re always hearing about some carload of kids that got smashed up.

Most of it really my own anxiety about driving, that I am projecting onto him. I guess I could go to therapy if I really can’t handle it.

4

I dont think you every completely get over it. It does become less concerning as time goes along and you become more accepting that your child is growing up and capable of handling things. My oldest has been driving for over 6 years now. I only get concerned when there is bad weather (or sometimes if I am riding with her!).

5

I don’t have a child that age, but I do have a tip that will help both of you immensely : keep your head cool while you’re in the car with him. My mom was a complete mess when she was teaching me to drive. If it was one nanosecond past the time where she would normally ease on the brakes for a stop sign, she would start sceaming “STOP STOP STOP!!!” at the top of her lungs, even if we were 50 feet from the stopsign in a 25mph zone. It got to the point where I would not let her teach me because it always ended in us being nervous, angry wrecks (thankfully, not literally).

The boy knows where the stop sign is - he just may have trouble with the timing. Coming to a smooth, low-g stop comes only with practice. Many driving skills come only with practice and a cool headed attitude. So, if he screws up and doesn’t immediately realize it, let him calmly know he screwed up and what he should do the next time. If you’re on the highway with him and he starts getting a little squirrely and anxious, take him off the next exit and ride through some backroads. Don’t make him think you’re punishing him for poor highway driving by making him take a slower road. Paint it as a period to gain his composure and to practive curvy roads, city driving, etc.

DO : Teach him the virtues of defensive driving. If there’s a guy up ahead weaving in an out of traffic, point it out that he’s a driver worth watching. Also, point out that people driving that way often cause others behind him to slam on their brakes. ALWAYS have your peripherals looking out for sudden brake lights. I learned that on my own after highway traffic went from 55 to 0 in 4 seconds and I tailended a guy.

DO : Take him to empty parking lots to practice parking, parallel parking, smooth stops, etc. Not only is it a safe venue, it’s also a big confidence booster for him.

DON’T : Scold or yell at him for making a mistake. You wouldn’t yell at a 5 year old for forgetting a step in tieing his shoes.

Chances are, he’s just as scared as you are, and fear is contagious. Keeping a calm demeanor will keep him calm, and it will be reciprocated. As far as the 16 year old goes, I remember my parents being much calmer while teaching my younger sister how to drive.

6

Just keep telling yourself, “If I try to put him in a giant plastic bubble he will probably stop talking to me.” :stuck_out_tongue:

Seriously though, I don’t think the fear ever goes away. My mom still worries about me and I haven’t needed to drive a car in 2 years! I moved 1,500 miles away and because I know she worries I call twice a week and I write every couple of weeks. If something happens in NYC that makes national news (like when that crane collapsed or when that plane landed in the Hudson river) I immediately email her or call her to let her know I am okay. It isn’t that she doesn’t trust me, it is that there is a whole world of danger out there! I know that and I appreciate that she cares and she knows that she must keep that fear in check or she will drive me bonkers and make me not want to call her anymore. With your son you may want to give him lessons until you are secure in his abilities so you can tell yourself that he knows what he is doing on the roads. You may want to give him a cell phone if he doesn’t already have one so that he can call for help in a road emergency. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you feel secure in his safety and then know that no matter what you do you can never have complete control.

7

Beats me how you get over it. The Napierette’s lead foot often makes me fret in the cold dark hours of the morning, and she’s been driving 16 years.

8

My daughter, who’s nearly 17 now, drives like a granny. She does not drive one mph over the speed limit, ever, even if this means applying the brakes going up a hill. My biggest fear is that she’s going to get rear-ended.

In any event, she’s been driving for a year now and I’ve quit worrying all the time. She drives herself everywhere, including school and back. Experience is the best teacher and she’s getting better every day.

9

You never get over worring. But remember you now let him cross the street by himself, right. I remember when that was scarie. did you survive learning how to drive? You can hold him so close that you will loose him and you can let him go and you can loose him. but one way he never really lives, the other way he can.

I worry when my 33 year old son drives from San Diego to San Jose by himself. but he does.

You are going to worry we all do. But over time the worry becomes less and less until one day you will ask him to go to the store for you to pick something up and you will stay in the house.

10

Odd. I never worried about either of my kids driving.
I taught them both, and knew their capabilities. Worrying never entered into it.

11

I would not suggest trying to teach your child to drive.
There’s just too many other issues involved, and tension, to be conductive to good learning (or teaching).

It seems to work much better to trade with some friend who also has a child that age. Somehow, it’s much easier to teach someone else’s child rather than your own, and they seem to find it much easier to learn from someone other than their own parent.

12

It sounds like you are overly enmeshed with your kids on this issue. To be able to detach better from it, I’d expect it would be best to turn your kids over to professional driving instructors.

Otherwise it could seriously impact not only your mental health, but your relationship with your kids.

13

I know. It’s certainly becoming more than a casual worry to me, bordering on phobia. I also just knew for certain that he was going to suffer from crib death, lo those many years ago. This is nothing new for me, this worry for my oldest. This is the worse it’s ever been, though. I know it’s selfish and controlling, but as I told him, I can’t help it. But he already knew I was crazy, anyway, so he’s used to it. I’m already on medication for anxiety, so perhaps I need to look into therapy as well. As he and Pink Floyd have observed, mommy is going to put all of her fears into you, and of course that’s not healthy.

We sat down and talked about it today and we’re going to wait until the car is his, and give it a try. If it doesn’t work out, I will be willing to get someone more emotionally capable to teach him, and then just trust that he will be okay. And if he’s not, then I will still be okay. (Somehow.)

14

Here in Ohio, by law the teenagers have to drive 50 hours with their parents or guardian:

“In order to be eligible for a probationary driver license, a temporary permit holder must be at least 16 years old and have completed the driver training certification requirement (complete 50 hours of driving with a parent or guardian, including 10 hours of nighttime driving, in addition to the driver education requirement of 24 hours of classroom instruction and 8 hours behind the wheel) and have held a temporary permit for at least six months. The permit holder must also complete the BMV driving and maneuverability test prior to issuance of a probationary license. The probationary license is valid until age 18, at which time the license becomes a full driver license.”

http://bmv.ohio.gov/driver_license/new_gdl_info.htm

I will tell you that it was the longest, and most tedious, 50 hours of our lives. On the other hand, it forced us to talk.

15

How about finding a friend who has a teen who needs to learn driving, then swapping teenagers? Or handing your teen off to an uncle etc.?

16

My son is only 5, so I haven’t dealt with this problem as a parent yet. However, in my own family only one of my siblings got their license at age 16, and that was my youngest brother. The rest of us were around 20 - 22 before we even tried to get our drivers licenses

My dad was a screamer/yeller, when he would try to teach us, and my mother was such a worrier that she was nearly in tears. I was 22 and away at college when I finally got up the nerve to get my license. I did my practice driving with a friend at that point, and had a co-worker who was 15 years older than me take me for the test. One of my sisters was almost 25, and had to move 2000 miles from home before she attempted getting hers. I think we were all traumatized by our parents.

So…just don’t let your kids see you sweat, or get too worked up. You could cause more harm than you mean too.

BTW, my mother is 75 now and probably still just as worried about all of her kids(ages 40 - 55) driving as she ever was. I don’t think you ever get over the worrying, but learn to deal with it to some degree.

Good luck.

17

In my father’s case, there were two phases: a first one, where he admitted that ok, I probably wouldn’t kill anybody or blow up the motor (after a couple of arguments about subjects like “the car is not one meter too far to the right, you are one meter farther to the right that you’re used to, Dad!”).
The second one, where he was able to be in the car with me driving and without grabbing the dashboard took cancer, sadly :frowning:
My SiL’s default position to “other people driving” is abject terror, she’s one of those people who spend the whole trip stepping on an imaginary brake. In her case, it took about 3 years until she trusted me as a driver.

18

My mother cowered in the footwell, alternately shrieking and whimpering.

19

Dad took me out to a field in the truck when I was 13(or was it 12), and told me to get in the drivers seat. Spent a minute or two explaining the clutch and the gears to me, then cracked a beer and told me to drive. After an hour or so, when I’d mastered the clutch enough not to kill the thing when I tried to go, he directed me out to the road, and to another field a few miles away, where a tractor was sitting, and told me to follow him home.

At which point I realized he taught me to drive that day specifically to go get that tractor. He did give me my first beer that day when we got home, in celebration. Just one, ofc. Still, all in all a good day for a teen, even though it meant I was going to have to help out in the fields more.

So… If you have access to fields, or gravel roads, theres plenty of room to practice everything. Sadly, I’ve no advice if you’re in a city… I had a few years driving under my belt the first time I drove in a city with more than 10,000 people, so I had some experience, but even then it was harrying. I can’t imagine starting fresh in a big city…

20

When you’re training a dog, the more nervous/anxious you are the worse the whole experience is going to be for you and the dog. If you’re calm, the dog is calm and you end up with a well-trained dog that you don’t have to worry about.

I’d suspect this also translates to training kids to do stuff. I don’t think that someone who is so anxious behind the wheel and anxious about their kid driving should be anywhere near their kid who is learning to drive. If you are seriously thinking about training him before you are completely calm, then you have every reason to be worried because your kid is going to be a nervous and unsafe driver.

Let a pro handle it and deal with your anxiousness away from the kid - don’t pass it on to him. Have you ever been around teens who grew up with parents who were nervous, anxious and overbearing about alcohol? Those are the kids passed out in front of the college bar. I’d suspect the kids who do crazy stuff in the car are the ones who’s parents were a bit weird and uptight about driving. They weren’t taught to respect the road they were taught to fear it.