How do you go about meeting people?

If this is in the incorrect section please move the thread dear ol’ mods and thanks to anyone who reads this, it’s a bit lengthy.

Now this is not as uncomplicated as it sounds. I’m an 18-year-old, attractive (gotta keep it real, don’t I?) black gay male and I’m having the hardest time making new friends. I don’t emit anything of insecurity or uncertainty (at least I don’t think so)…I love myself, I’m confident about my abilities, do what I love doing and do what I have to do for myself. It’s like…what now? It’s a little depressing doing everything solo.

I’m not searching for the secret answer that will solve everything – just some practical advice.

Some background information: I maybe have 3 real friends and they’re all busy. One, my best friend (whom is a girl), two, my gay friend…we mainly talk on the phone and three, my other gay friend who I hardly see. They’re all really busy people.

I am on the lookout for gay friends because my straight friends don’t really understand…I’d love to be myself…liberal with people who might have a better understanding of me. It’s not that I want that, I feel I need that…it is very draining playing this false character in front of almost everyone I know.

So how do I go about meeting people? The only options I could comprise are: clubbing, bars and Internet.

I go clubbing (thanks to the benefits of looking older). I go to an urban one. It’s the only urban club (meaning it’s more ethnic) in Toronto and possibly Canada. I have been to the usual clubs and bars where it’s predominantly white people…but none of them want to talk to me. I’m guessing it’s because I’m not the blue eyed, blond haired boy. When I do go clubbing typically the older men (as in 40 years old) who are disgustingly perverted approach me. I try to force myself to stay in contact and be their friends but something like that tells me it’s headed nowhere. – I met a whopping number of 2 people :rolleyes: ever since I obligated myself to go out looking for people. One of them, I got myself into trouble with, consequently we don’t talk and the either, one night of an innocent fling = no returned phone calls but he’ll still tap me on the shoulder and smile at me at the club. So nice of him…

Bars, no one wants to talk to me or is willing to approach me.

Internet…haven’t met anyone so far (that are willing to just be friends). It’s all about sex. I wish I was promiscuous but the thought of having sex terrifies me (with the STD’s and all), I’ve only had it with two people and they were my long-term boyfriends. Most people on the Internet that I’ve talked to, like to delude themselves that they’ll find the faultless poster boy for Nike. Some people’s standards are simply unattainable it’s very discouraging.

Sure, I’m also relationship minded but I think I have friends they’ll introduce me to people and perhaps one can form from their.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Is there anything different I should do? I’ve taken the aggressive and submissive approach clubbing but I wasn’t very successful. I tried support groups but I’d like to know why no one goes there. – Sometimes I think this is asking for way too much but I think this would be a healthy thing. I’m tired with being sheltered it’s frustrating.

So…anyone?

Ok, I’m probably the last person likely to give you helpful advice. I’m a white straight 30s ish stay at home mom. But I suspect the general principles of making friends are the same.

Here are my observations:

Friendship has room to grow when people have the opportunity to be together on a regular basis and talk in a leisurely fashion, thus getting to know something about one another and be entertained (and entertaining).

This is why most people get their friends at work. There they all are, day after day. Other than work, people tend to get their friends from among their neighbors and groups or organizations they join that bring them together on a regular basis (such as churches, sports teams, book clubs, and so on).

The clubs and bars would work if you went to the same few ones, over and over and the same people were there and there was an opportunity to chat. Maybe you are able to talk in a club or a bar, but the reason I avoid them is I can’t hear or shout loud enough to be heard.

So, to make friends you will have to find or create a regularly meeting group (or groups) whose activities allow and preferably encourage conversation. Furthermore, if you want your potential friends to have certain attributes (for example, be gay), the group will have to attract members with those attributes.

Some ideas of things that may already exist:

a Gay/Lesbian Alliance
Community Theater
a Supper Club
a Book Club
Gay Men’s Choir

It’s hard to make friends once you’re out of school, especially if your workplace isn’t conducive. You do have to work at it.

I have particular admiration for one friend (met through work) who gave a monthly party. The party became a regularly meeting group and he could invite new acquaintances to it, creating the opportunity for them to become friends. It was a lot of work for him to do it, at first, then he kind of got a formula down. These weren’t dim drunken affairs, but just a gathering of people with some food and drink (never particularly noteworthy food and drink) and quiet background music.

He created a circle of friends drawn from many walks of life. He wasn’t particularly extroverted, in fact he was kind of awkward, but he made the time and the place for friendship to grow. And eventually romance. He met his future wife kind of randomly, invited her to his parties, got to know her in a low-key, low-pressure way, then started dating.

Anyway, that’s the way to make friends to the best of my knowledge. Good luck, Kunimitsu!

Wow, carlotta, thanks for the advice.

About the being a regular issue. Yeah, I am a regular at that club and it seems that everyone knows everyone there. So you’re right, I think my time will come when someone will start a conversation with me. For some reason its the older men that can easily initiate talk with me. They usually start off with “hey, is this your first time here?” When they CLEARLY saw me the week earlier. I find that funny and a little odd but I’m thinking this at least could be an indication that some of the younger people are watching and waiting also.

You’re right again, its difficult to be heard with all the music playing – I don’t want to look silly yelling in someone’s ear. I was thinking perhaps I should approach someone…but I think they’ll mix up my intents. I mean, even I don’t find it feasible that someone is just looking for friends at a social gathering that seems to be based on lust/love… making friends is not my only objective but my primary one.

I might try the Gay Alliance thing…it’s a bit of a drive but why not. I went there a couple times and no one was present…I’d love to work there but I don’t exactly have the qualifications to be an employee. Darn.

Again, thanks for the advice carlotta! Being a regular at that club is probably the best way to go at it…someone who I can connect with will eventually come up to me, I hope. My patience is wearing thin but I have to try my best to stay patient.

Um…bump?

How about getting a part-time job at a place where the kind of people you’d like to meet work/hang out?

I did that once, and met a lot of cool people.

Groups, clubs, classes. etc.

I met many of my friends through various dance classes in my city. Some folks I met through teaching classes at the univ. I’ve met others by taking community schools type classes (like “powder puff mechanics” for intstance).

The trick is to join what interests you, then you’ll find other like-minded people.

Good luck!