Basically I have never been good at making friends, I have had many many good friends throughout my life, but that is because of sheer luck rather than any active friend-making on my part. People who know me seem to like me, and once I get friends I keep them and they become good friends. But it’s the getting that is the problem.
I moved here (Isle of Man) a couple of years ago, and consequently have ‘lost’ all my friends. I seem to have left behind my luck for getting friends too (or perhaps I just grew to an age that the process of making friends stops, and we make do with the ones we have).
So what ‘methods’ do you know of to meet a) friends (usually same sex people to be just plain friends with) and b) girl/boyfriends (oposite-sex romantic ‘friendship’), without mentioning the word ‘fest’.
I don’t mind admiting to my thousands of faceless dope friends that yes, I am a sad loner.
Same advice. Think of something you really like doing. Find a club or class that does it and join it. And don’t be shy about asking people to go out for stuff.
I’ve moved cities recently, and I found it’s been harder now I’m older. Fewer sociable peers, I guess - they all seem to be tied down with babies.
you know I find myself having the same problem and I moved here four years ago. I’m 23 and it seems to me you make friends most easily in High School. Or college i’m sure. Anyways…I agree w/everyone else, a class of some sort is probably the best.
Thanks for the suggestions so far guys (and a special mention for green_dragon for being on the same island, and for the good advice of course)
It looks like the club/class way will be the way. I am thinking most about joining a Gym. But my options are Photography,archery, mountain-biking.
I should add that I find it extremely difficult to initiate a conversation with anyone unless I have a valid reason to. That said, I don’t want this to turn into a sympathy fest. I am kind of hoping for easy ways for shy people to meet other people. unique ways even.
Not that I am not greatful for the replies. Joining clubs is a good idea.
Lobsang, are you one of those people who need a) someone else to start the conversation and then you’d be happy to talk, it’s just breaking the ice that’s difficult? or b) a little bit like myself, I know that I can start a conversation, since I’ve done it many times before, but the reason I’m reluctant is that I’m scared the conversation will run dry very quickly; or c) - a little bit of both.
I lost all my good friends right after I discovered the opposite sex at age 16…it’s difficult to maintain relationships in the whirlwind of college/jobs/marriages/babies. For some reason, I prefer talking to men - I’m a “girly-girl” but NOT a “frou-frou girl”. Translation provided upon request.
I’m counting on y’all at this point! Lobsang, if I ever make it across the pond, you better have your guest room ready!
I sympathize with your problem, it’s the same for me.
By all accounts I am a normal, funny, handsome guy but I just can’t seem to make many good friends. I make a lot of work acquaintances and most people who know me would be shocked to know I also feel like a loner.
I found a book that is an oldie but a goodie, called “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. Don’t be deceived by the corny name, it’s very valuable and has some real world, usable information on how to start conversations and just get people to like you. Can get it off of amazon.com for $8 US.
It’s helped me a lot and I’m at the point where I can carry a conversation with anyone (even pretty girls). My problem is putting myself out there and doing things - I work too much and come home and sleep.
Anyways I suggest you have a look when your at the bookstore as poiema suggested
I fear that people might not be interested in talking to me, so if someone else has started a conversation with me, that completely destroys that fear.
I say both, because I am actually quite good at starting conversations with people. To use an analogy - I have a good script. I am just not a very good actor. (I know what to say but I have difficulty saying it comfortably)
Heck I am not even sure. I am a good conversationalist IF I am comfortable with whoever I am talking with. If I am not comfortable I have a tendancy to blurt out paniced replies, and to over-stay my welcome to the conversation.
Could I BE any less clear!
I have the same problem - My life seems to be work-sleep-work-sleep.
green_bladder The conversation issue is a very detailed one with many contradictions. Sometimes I can get very comfortable very quickly with someone, even if it is me who started the conversation. Other times I can clam up very quickly regardless of who started.
One more thing - I am the silent type. The best ‘conversation’ (for me) is comfortable silence. You can only get that with ‘established’ friends (or, ironically, complete strangers, such as people sharing a bus shelter)
I suddenly get the sensation that I am lying on a brown leather couch. Can’t think why.
You’re a lot like me. Regarding strangers: It really depends on who I’m talking to. What do they look like? The better looking they are the more intimidated I get; do they look friendly, receptive?
One of my greatest drawbacks is that I over-analyse things. I know people (my dad) who can go up to anyone he pleases and strike up a conversation without even sparing a thought beforehand. Whilst I will go over pretty much every ‘what if’ scenario there is. But that’s the way I am, and I doubt I’ll change much in the future. I even over-analyze what I say on this message board. I’m just not that good at “spontaneous coversation” unless I’m with my buddies.
I want to take classes, but I just don’t have the time. But during the past year I’ve been trying my very best to strike up simple and short conversations with strangers (whenever I go to a bar or whatever), just as practice and to perhaps try and gain confidence and self-esteem. But before going up to them, I make it a point to know exactly what I’m going to say, and keep other general topics in mind should the conversation run dry. Everyone I talked to was pretty receptive, so that was good analysis on my part My fear of rejection is still there and probably will be for a while, but it’s a start for me.
And I’ll second Vriggs on Dale Carnegie. I’ve also got another interesting book – it’s How to Start a Conversation and make Friends– by Don Gabor. These books make a really good read whether one needs conversation help or not.
If you’re planning on meeting women, maybe you should look somewhere other than the Isle of Man.
What?
Oh, nevermind.
Meeting people and making friends are two completely different things. Meeting people is easy- just walk right up and say hello, if you have nothing else to start with. Most people (in my experience) will at least be friendly; what you do from there is the question.
Making friends is the hard part- I’m just as curious as you are; I’d love to see an answer I can apply to my life.
My fear of rejection is still there and probably will be for a while, but it’s a start for me.