I apologize in advance for the rather rambling nature I’m certain this post will demonstrate, but I’m kind of wiped out right now and not really at full capacity, what with the 12 hour workday spent trying to diagnose network problems that are both outside of my purview and knowledge.
Anyway, I’ve lived in the Los Angeles area now for almost three years, and have managed to make not one friend in that time. LA is notorious, of course, for that sort of thing (“City motto: You do not talk to anyone you do not know!”) but clearly people do occasionally hook up together and offer complementary companionship. I’ve had the same problem everywhere else I’ve lived, too, though I usually end up with a small group of acquaintances through work and or hobbies. Here, though–between the hours I work and the sort of cliquishness people exhibit–I haven’t really managed to make any kind of amicable connection with anyone. (We won’t even start to go into the dating situation here, which I’ve slid back to the rear burner for the time being.)
Anyway, no doubt a significant amount of the trouble is of my own making; certainly, my habit of reading a book in all situations, procrastination and aversion to getting into a new hobby, my night owl hours and irratic sleeping pattern, and my general introversion and annoyance with most things social are all strong contributing factors to why I’m a candidate to take a night job as a taxi driver and complain about the scum and the trash and the pushers until I crack and shave a mohawk. Yeah, you’ve seen the film.
So I don’t have a specific question, but am just soliciting suggestions on how to make friends. I know the usual stuff; join a club, take a class, et cetera and I’ve tried a bit of that but for various reasons that hasn’t really done the trick yet. I get exasperated with how slowly events move along–my two attempts to hike with local groups ended with me fuming while waiting hours for people to get it together enough to hit the trail–and given a task I tend to focus upon it to the exclusion of social contact. Yeah, it’s a problem, and I’m trying to work on it, but in the meantime, any suggestions?
Sorry…I warned you it was going to be rambling. I’m not up to the effort of copy-editing my own posts right now.
Straddle the line between assertive and pushy
Be more patient than you’re actually capable of being
Be forgiving when people are flaky or cruel or whatever
Be nonchalant, act like nothing really fazes you
Be slack with your opinions or tastes - say you hate hate hate rap but love stravinsky and you meet someone who likes both, soften it a little and say you’re just not a fan
Don’t get too political (unless of course that’s how you’re meeting)
Basically pretend to be someone else and generally ease into being something close to what you really are
If you haven’t, take a look at this thread about friendships. The thing that seems common is that most people have only a few close friends, and then a circle of acquaintances.
Most of my close friends I met in school or at work. Thinking about it now, there isn’t a single person I consider a friend who I didn’t meet in one of those ways. (I have a bunch of acquaintances that I’ve met through serendipity, but so far no one has reached friend level yet). I probably have a half dozen friends, but they’re scattered across the country (and some are family, so I don’t think that counts).
I think Dr. Kenneth has a point, that in starting a friendship, you do have to lower your standards. This is paradoxical, but there are things I won’t tolerate in a friend that I will tolerate in an acquaintance (the paradoxical part is that I will tolerate anything in my friends because they’re my friends).
But if your question is how to meet appropriate people, that’s difficult. Like I said, mine come from work and school. If those aren’t fertile grounds for you, and the club-joining isn’t working, maybe think outside the box a bit. Is there somewhere you can volunteer time? An animal shelter, or tutoring or something like that? Maybe join a book group or movie group.
Because you’ve been so helpful to me in looking for books on science, I wish I could help you. All I can tell you is that you’re not alone, that we all (most of us, anyway) have difficulty making solid friendships the older we get.
I think for the most part it comes down to similar interests. Its difficult to make friends without a basic interest in similar things. Could be sports, music, books, the list goes on.
If you find yourself in a situation where a topic of interest comes up, throw yourself into it, state some opinions, likes, dislikes. You may be surprised to find like thinking individuals where you thought there were none.
From what I’ve read on this board I would recommend letting your board personality come out more IRL.
You certainly won’t please everyone but just think what a one-in-twenty ratio would do for your dance card!
I’m as anti-social as they come. I love my own company, and being around people, especially strangers, uses saps my energy incredibly as I keep up appearances, so to speak. But I still tend to turn around, and “find” someone who wants to be my friend, from out of the blue. It happens a lot. I’m pre-occupied as all hell – but folk out there like me, how I do things, what I say, and what I believe, and hang around until I notice 'em. And then I wonder how I got to be so lucky to know such cool people.
Depends on the person, and the situation, but I’d say be yourself, and don’t pretend to be anyone other than who you are.
I happened to luck into a wonderful girlfriend… but if it wasn’t for her… I’d have no one here.
A friend of mine from high school is here as well. I hardly see the guy despite the fact that we are supposedly working on a project together (a sketch comedy troupe).
I went from Seattle where I had 8 or so great friends and a dozen or so friendly acquaintances to next to nothing.
I agree with most of what’s been said so far. I have to keep reminding myself from time to time that a friend is not a mirror image but someone who’ll often compliment you in the areas you lack. If you’re quiet, your friend might be a talker. If you can’t remember a joke 15 seconds after the punchline, you’re friend is a veritable storehouse of comedy. You’re a moderate liberal? You’re buddy is a bit to the right. Makes for great debate and good natured ribbing.
Having said that, common grounds are also important. Values, goals. It’s a balancing act.
The most important of couse, and I have to keep this in mind as well, is tollerance. Ya gotta appreciate the good bits more than the aggrevation of putting up with the bad stuff.
People being people the world over, it’s hard for me to believe that the social rules are much different in LA compared to NY, or anywhere in between. Companionship and socialized behaviour far too deeply ingrained to be subject to geography. Just get out there and be open to human interaction. Common hobbies are usually a great to begin. I find cycling a great way to meet people. Just join a group ride. Convesations are very therapeutic and make the miles go faster when you’re all suffering through the same century ride. I like friends around me when I suffer.
I think there’s something to be said for instant friendship/compatibility, much like “love at first sight”. You just meet someone, and after a short time (few days) know that you and them will end up good friends.
It seems like my very best, life-long friends have ALWAYS been that way, from the moment I met them/got to know them. In other words, we just hit it off at the start and haven’t looked back. Doesn’t really even matter how long we’re apart, or anything like that- we’re still fast friends and have a great time together.
Acquaintances are somewhat different. They’re something you have to cultivate and reassess at regular intervals. They come and go, to a certain extent.
To put it in starker terms, friends are people who you’d keep up with one way or another, even if it required writing text letters that took 6 months to get there (a la 18th century correspondence). Acquaintances are people whose relationships you’d probably drop under those circumstances.
Since your trouble comes from focusing on the task at hand rather than the people around you, I’d suggest something that’s all about talking. Perhaps something like a book club, or a small group devoted to something else you’re interested in? (Sorry if these are dumb–I’m new to the idea of actually going out and doing things to meet people. If I didn’t get them through school and work I’d never have any friends at all.)
Also, what the others said about lowering your standards is true: I’m close to several people now for whom I didn’t necessarily care much (beyond the fact that they were offering companionship) when we met. We built on the things we had in common, and I’m now rather fond of the flaws that irked me at first. Obviously it won’t work if someone’s seriously rubbing you the wrong way, but if you find you can live with whatever’s “wrong” while you’re getting to know them…
Actually, no, those aren’t dumb; that’s exactly the kind of thing I’m looking for, where I’ll be forced to interact instead of focusing on a game or listening to a lecture. I’ve tried that sort of thing a couple of times and it’s never really worked out, but if it has worked for others then I know I just need to take another stab at it. One thing I did when living in Milwaukee was run with the Hash House Harriers, (“The drinking club with a running problem”), which was both in turns functional and convivial, but there doesn’t seem to be a group in the San Gabriel Valley area.
