Question for Gay Dopers: How do gay people meet other gays?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I was unsure whether to put this in GQ (no real one factual answer to it), IMHO, or MPSIMS (it might look like polling and get moved eventually to IMHO or something). So this thread is here, but if the mods feel like it should be moved, they’re free to do so.

On Friday night, my brother and I were at Bubble World (a local bubble tea house) with a few of his orchestra friends. For some reason, their conversation turned to how gay people would meet one another. (I don’t know my brother’s friends that well, so I elected to stay quiet)

They covered a bunch of the stereotypes, if not all of them:

[ul]
[li]being excessively “airy-fairy” (waving your hands around and making many various hand gestures)[/li][li]speaking with a noticeable lisp[/li][li]being too familiar with a guy (putting your arm around him and saying something like: “Adam, honey, why don’t we get to know each other better?”)[/li][li]being excesively feminine[/li][/ul]

In my bid to fight ignorance, I contributed that I heard that gays have “gay-dar,” meaning that gays have this special radar that allowed them to detect other gay people in a crowd. (is this even true, by the way?) Yes, but how did it work? I had no idea at all… maybe what they were sort of joking around about was true, for all I know. So I left it at that. (I refrained from mentioning Davie Street [a gay area of town in Vancouver] to them, as I’m sure they knew all about it)

For some reason, however, that conversation refuses to leave my brain. Now I want to know how gay people meet one another, and how they can tell if another person is gay. I don’t know if I’ll show the thread to my brother (telling him to forward the link to his friends), but the thread will hopefully enlighten me. So any takers on this question? Thanks in advance for your help! (if any is given)
F_X

2

The best place for gay people to meet other gay people is at gay bars, clubs, associations etc, of which there are quite a few. The things you mentioned are only typical of some gay guys; not all are camp. In addition, even the campest man or butchest woman can sometimes turn out to be straight. It is very difficult and is something that my friends and I have often discussed. Some of us think there are some hints through clothing, esp footwear, but that’s hardly reliable either!

There are a few little things to try if you’re wondering if someone might be gay, like mentioning your ex-gf/bf, a gay club, magazine or a famous gay person to see if they know what you’re talking about. But the only reliable method is to go to gay venues. They tend to be far more fun than the straight ones anyway.

3

A good friend of mine is gay, and he doesn’t fit any stereotype. Most people are surprised when they find out he’s gay - I know I was.
So, he’s gay, but you can’t tell. Moreover, he doesn’t like guys who fit those stereotypes either. I can assure you that, outside of a typically gay environment (i.e. a gay bar or something), this guy has to be very careful at times. Being friendly can easily be misinterpreted when the other party is straight, and under the impression he’s just having a beer with another guy.

He says his gaydar is as good as mine: if I can tell someone’s gay, he can too. :slight_smile:
Other than that, gaydar is a myth, and it’s all about stereotypes. And picking up on guys deliberately acting like them. But seeing as gays come in all shapes and forms, you probably just pick up on a fraction of the total populace that way.

4

Hoo boy! I’ve seen so many people talk so seriously about GAYDAR on these boards. I’m sure it’s gonna get warm in here! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!:wink:

5

Eh. It’s all about vibes. And who can really trust’em? Guy we knew from high school turned out to be gay, to have been gay, for some time, and not even our mutual best friend had any idea.

Some folks are very outgoing about it. I could name a couple Dopers who who preach about it far and wide. Some people you can’t tell and just give ever-so-subtle hints.

But I think gay bars and clubs are probably the easiest way to go. And they usually are pretty fun.

I’ve been hit on by an awful lot of gay guys, and I don’t mind (especially since I never get hit on by women). I think it’s something of a compliment.

It depends on the environment as well, especially at a gay club. The atmosphere is generally pretty friendly. A while back I was at this place in PA with some friends and while I was walking over to the bar a guy about my age, who had apparently been watching me dance, came over and asked be to dance. I simply said I was straight, and he said, “Oh, sorry.” I said no prob and that was it. There doesn’t have to be secret codes for gays or anything.

They’re just people looking for people.

Hell, here’s one for you: I am absolutely, horrendously unsuccessful at dating (a moot point now that I’m married, but I digress) so I have to ask the opposite question –

How do straight people meet?

6

It seems like 90% of the time, my gaydar is just another word for wishful thinking…

jayjay

7

I can tell that other people are gay when they say “I’m gay.”

It’s not like being in a secret society or something. People can just come out (ha!) and say it.

8

I’m bi, and I could count the times I’ve been chatted up by ladies on the fingers of one hand. Maybe I don’t show up on gaydar. Maybe all the bi and lesbian girls I’ve ever met are shy. Maybe I’m a minger.

9

Gaydar is useful, but of course it’s never 100%. It usually develops after coming out, and not everyone develops one. It rarely works cross-culturally, or at least it has to be re-developed.

Best theory I’ve heard is eye contact. Gay men make eye contact a split second longer with other men.

For the record, I’ve never just found a boyfriend at work or in a gay neighbourhood or in a club.

[ul]
[li]My first boyfriend was a friend-of-a-friend. I had lost most of my circle of friends after coming out, and started making friends with my high school’s outcasts, who were a lot more gay-positive than the school’s general population. One friend mentioned I was gay to his friend, and that guy – my first boyfriend – admitted he was bisexual in a truth or dare game.[/li][li]My second I met through a university gay social/support/political group. We just struck up a conversation after the meeting, and it went well from there.[/li][li]My third I met through a gay youth group.[/li][li]My fourth through online personal ads.[/li][li]My current boyfriend and I were friends for years before we became a couple. We met at the organizing meeting of a gay social group called Out and About.[/li][/ul]

I’ve never known anyone who’d “met someone” in a bar or a club, although I’m sure it’s happened. Everyone I know either met their boyfriend through friends, online, or at the sort of social organizations you find in big cities.

10

Gaydar is useful, but of course it’s never 100%. It usually develops after coming out, and not everyone develops one. It rarely works cross-culturally, or at least it has to be re-developed.

Best theory I’ve heard is eye contact. Gay men make eye contact a split second longer with other men.

For the record, I’ve never just found a boyfriend at work or in a gay neighbourhood or in a club.

[ul]
[li]My first boyfriend was a friend-of-a-friend. I had lost most of my circle of friends after coming out, and started making friends with my high school’s outcasts, who were a lot more gay-positive than the school’s general population. One friend mentioned I was gay to his friend, and that guy – my first boyfriend – admitted he was bisexual in a truth or dare game.[/li][li]My second I met through a university gay social/support/political group. We just struck up a conversation after the meeting, and it went well from there.[/li][li]My third I met through a gay youth group.[/li][li]My fourth through online personal ads.[/li][li]My current boyfriend and I were friends for years before we became a couple. We met at the organizing meeting of a gay social group called Out and About.[/li][/ul]

I’ve never known anyone who’d “met someone” in a bar or a club, although I’m sure it’s happened. Everyone I know either met their boyfriend through friends, online, or at the sort of social organizations you find in big cities.

11

Gaydar is useful, but of course it’s never 100%. It usually develops after coming out, and not everyone develops one. It rarely works cross-culturally, or at least it has to be re-developed.

Best theory I’ve heard is eye contact. Gay men make eye contact a split second longer with other men.

For the record, I’ve never just found a boyfriend at work or in a gay neighbourhood or in a club.

[ul]
[li]My first boyfriend was a friend-of-a-friend. I had lost most of my circle of friends after coming out, and started making friends with my high school’s outcasts, who were a lot more gay-positive than the school’s general population. One friend mentioned I was gay to his friend, and that guy – my first boyfriend – admitted he was bisexual in a truth or dare game.[/li][li]My second I met through a university gay social/support/political group. We just struck up a conversation after the meeting, and it went well from there.[/li][li]My third I met through a gay youth group.[/li][li]My fourth through online personal ads.[/li][li]My current boyfriend and I were friends for years before we became a couple. We met at the organizing meeting of a gay social group called Out and About.[/li][/ul]

I’ve never known anyone who’d “met someone” in a bar or a club, although I’m sure it’s happened. Everyone I know either met their boyfriend through friends, online, or at the sort of social organizations you find in big cities.

12

Thank you. That is exactly what I thought when I read the OP.

13

:smack:

My first triple post. I have no clue how that happened.

14

I’ve met at least two boyfriends in a club.

Then again, I’ve met far more one-nighters in clubs… :eek:

  • s.e.
15

Not a prob, Doc. I guess some people still find homosexuality to be something of a myth.

16

That’s Myth-ter to you, thweetie!
:smiley:
Gay people meet in all kinds of places: the library, clubs, on the Metro, at the gym, and even at church. We’re no different from straight folks in that respect.

Although, I met my current BF at a leather bar in DC. :eek:

17

Hmmn. I met my ex on a chat room on gay.com

When I’m out socially, I go on eye contact and body language. Those generally don’t steer me wrong.

But, it never hurts to look at the wedding ring finger to see if there is discoloration of some sort. I’ve ended up finding out at the last moment(after sex), that they were married to a woman. I hate being the other man.

18

Thanks for all the answers so far. For the record, I should state that as far as I know, my brother’s friends are straight, and the same goes for me and my brother. I don’t think we have any prejudices against gay people in general, though I don’t know my brother’s friends that well, so they might.

Also for the record, I’m sure we don’t find homosexuality to be a myth. I’ve known at least two or three gay people, and I’m sure that my brother and his friends have met at least a few in school, the music community, etc. (no, I am not saying that the musical community tends to attract more gays; I’m just saying that to me, gays seem to be artistic/musical types, and they may have met more gays in that particular community)

While I’m sure that gay people meet each other in much the same venues as straights (bars, clubs, organizations, through friends, etc.), the question was not meant to offend anyone. It didn’t mean: “Ooh, how do gays meet one another? I mean, they’re so obviously ot the same as straight people, so they must have some secret way of meeting each other that we straights don’t know about.”

Rather, the question was meant as a genuinely curious one, with no malice aforethought or intended. As a straight woman, I’m merely curious about gay society, culture, etc. (and seriously want to know this stuff)

Speaking of gay/lesbian clubs, one of my sister’s friends came out to her last November, and suggested that they go out to a lesbian club. The last time this subject came up, I believe my sister mentioned that she was afraid that she’d get hit on. She decided that she’d bring along another friend (as straight as she is), and pretend that they were going out.

I have no idea if this will work, but is there any way to prevent getting hit on in a gay/lesbian club? Not that it’s necessarily a bad thing, but I totally understand why she doesn’t want that happening to her; I wouldn’t. (only because it would make me feel really strange, and admittedly the idea is a little off-putting to me) I’m being honest about how it would make me (and my sister?) feel… these statements are not meant to be inflammatory against gays or lesbians. So any ideas?

Esprix, get yourself in here so you can answer some of these questions! :wink: I respect your opinion… please?

F_X

19

I hope you’ll understand that some of the gay posters here might find that just a wee bit insulting. I’ve had women come on to me, and I didn’t “feel really strange.”

What’s so off-putting? That someone might find you attractive? You DO know, don’t you, that all is required in that situation is a friendly, “No, but thank you,” the same reply you’d give to a guy hitting on you that you aren’t attracted to.

I mean, come on, gay people aren’t slime-dripping mutants; we’re just people looking for llove and companionship on a cold and lonely planet.

20

I’ve always met people (at least the ones I’ve been most compatible with) just doing what I do.

Example/
I met my ex-girlfriend while I was rock climbing (I was with a straight friend, and she was with a straight friend) and we just got to chatting.

Met another now-ex at a conference on film theory.

Met my current gf at a cafe (a run-of-the-mill cafe, not a queer bar) while I was doodling in my sketchbook.

I fit no stereotype, but have never had any difficulty meeting other women.

I’ve always hated the bar scene, and have never found queer events to be particularly interesting because to me, I don’t find “being queer” to be the same thing as “something in common.” However, if I meet someone while I’m working in a photo lab, then I can guess that we do have something in common: photography.

So basically, I meet people the same way straight people do: mostly through happenstance.