First off, I must say I’m surprised that so many SDMB cynics are jumping on the “you just know it” idea of love. On this board I was expecting this thread would be met with:
“There is no love, because you can not prove it exists. Thousands of years of human experience means nothing, because you can’t prove to me the existance of love. It is merely a chemical reaction in the brain that helps with the continuation of the human species.”
If it is advice you seek, grasshopper, I will give my two cents:
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, because you don’t buy the fairy tale idea of love and relationships. Having a loving relationship is a ton of work, it does hurt, but it does make you feel wonderful. Just remember you are young and (more than likely) this will not be the only relationship you will have in your life. Enjoy it, but don’t go overboard, you’re just too young. Good Luck!
You know, I really try hard to not be a big Bible quoter, however, I think one set of verses is appropriate:
I have to disagree with handy in that I don’t think that love is all sweetness and light. Sometimes its d*** hard to love someone. It can hurt. Bad. And its not always an emotion. And if you’ll note in the verses above, love is more of an action - something you do for and to someone (and I’m not talking about just sex, either).
And Stoid gave good advice: don’t live your life trying to avoid emotional pain. You’ll miss out on a lot. I’d rather be one who throws her whole heart and soul into the mix and drinks life to its fullest rather than take only little sips in an effort to avoid the pain. Life (and love, for that matter) is a delicious mix of sweetness and bitterness.
Don’t be afraid to say it if you mean it. I know I used to be so afraid of the consequences of telling someone I loved them that the first man I actually was in love with never heard it from me (long story). And he deserved to.
Give yourself time. Love isn’t this black-n-white thing you’ve got to have a fix on all the time nor is it something that you should feel pressured to feel, say or acknowledge.
My litmus test for love is similar to featherlou’s.
I have a grandmother who is active, loves life, and is a very warm and caring person. She was the caregiver to my grandfather, who hadn’t been ambulatory for many years (had to use a bedpan, couldn’t walk without lots of assistance). His condition made him very dependent on her, which was very frustrating to him. He wasn’t a particularly nice person before his physical health deteriorated, but when his independence was taken away, he became sullen, depressed and withdrawn. However, my grandmother cared for him, emptied his bedpan, sat with him in silence for countless hours while he watched TV, and sacrificed her physical health to make him more comfortable (they both got very little sleep because his legs were always in pain and she rubbed his legs every other hour or so; she threw out her back trying to move him around).
Lots of people here know similar or even more poignant stories.
Why would any rational person do this everyday for five and a half years until he died?
Dunno, unless she truly loved him.
If I can’t see myself doing this for the other person, or the other person doing this for me, then I can’t truthfully call it “love.”
Unfortunately, a lot of women think that love is in men’s pants too. I was often victim of the (it sounds so naive when I write it down) if-he-has-sex-with-me-he-must-really-love-me-even-if-he-treats-me-like-crap syndrome.
However, I eventually wised up. Real love is cool. I agree with the inevitable pain thing, and I also agree it’s worth it. It’s not always huge wave-crashing emotion. Sometimes it’s sweet, floaty security.
This little aphorism is about marriage so it’s not completely relevant to the OP but perhaps it can be adjusted some to fit the situation. I know it helped bring clarity to my haywire thoughts when I was considering proposing to my (now) wife.
“Don’t marry someone you can live with. Marry the person you can’t live without.”
Beyond that the advice given in this thread so far seems good. The tough part (to my mind) is distinguishing infatuation from love. The first few months of a good relationship are awesome (infatuation). If you’re still crazy about the person after the ‘honeymoon’ wears off (and it will sooner or later) then I think you’re into love territory. Unfortunately there is no yardstick that says where one stops and the other begins as it changes from person to person and relationship to relationship.
As others have pointed out I’d say hang in there and see where the river takes you. Whatever happens you will be better for the experience (good, bad or indifferent).
There’s lots of good advice already in this thread. I’ll just add my two cents.
Think about the person you think you are in love with.
Is this person someone that you can be friends with? (Yes.)
Is this someone you can see yourself getting old with? (Yes.)
What would happen to your relationship if sex were somehow completely eliminated (think horrid accident that physically disables one of you?) (Stay together.)
Would you trust this person to honestly handle your money (ditzyness and financial incompetence don’t count, only that this person would do his best?) (Yes, with whatever practical reservations about this person’s capabilities.)
Would this person answer these questions the same way about you? (Yes.)
These are the considerations that went through my mind at different times while my relationship with my girlfriend was building up to the point that we decided to get married. My thoughts weren’t this organized, but I pretty much went over these things (and probably a zillion more) and came up with the answers indicated.
Some of the questions above might be more suited to seperating lust from love. Nothing wrong with lust either - just so long as it is also reciprocal. Enjoy it and have fun, just don’t expect it to last (unless you also manage to become good friends inbetween bouts of hot monkey sex.)
