How do you manage/cope with your loneliness?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
22

I’m quite interested in this topic myself.

I moved to another country, and am now 40 with no children. I’ve found it very difficult to make friends and in reality, the only ‘friends’ I have are either just acquaintances or friends of my husbands, which he has made through his career. For example, if I was to win a prize for me, my husband and two others, I wouldn’t be able to fill the other two slots with friends of my own.

We are moving house soon and I’m planning on being more proactive about getting to know my neighbours. I’m hoping the new area will not have so many young families (as it is quite an isolated place to have kids, being down a private road with no nearby shops/transportation), as I know parents prefer to be friends with other parents so their kids have other kids to play with.

Like the OP, I’m a private person, somewhat introverted but I do enjoy company. But my idea of a good night with friends is having another couple over for dinner then watching a movie together. I’m not a drinker and I don’t enjoy going out to loud places, unless I’m specifically going to see a band.

What I’d really like is something I can ring up and say ‘Hey, it’s Saturday morning, want to go down to the local market?’

23

this book, Breaking Out Of Loneliness, is old but very good and I recommend it.

if you are feeling emotional pain, it is a signal something needs to change. the book might help you figure it out.

can you skype with your out of town friends?

24

Yoga, karate, weights, video games, beer. It’ll do for a while.

25

I just don’t get lonely either. It seems God, or whoever, just forgot to install the part of my personality that involves making connections with other human beings. Even as a kid, I didn’t care one whit about making friends and never needed anybody (except my mother.)

Sure, it’d be nice if there was a woman who “got” me and was also as instantly attracted to me as I was to her. It would also be nice to win a billion dollars in the lottery and that’s about as likely.

26

Two words:

Social-Dance

Seriously, in one year I have made 100 new friends / contacts…had two relationships…and had been asked out by at least three others. Not to mention the amazing benefits of the activity itself…exercise, physical contact, social-interaction, confidence building…there’s so many kinds of dance I’m sure you can find one you like. I started at age 30 and wish I had found it ten years ago. I crave physical contact so I know when I go out to social dance I will get my fix…and it’s always in a respectable way…don’t be “that guy”. Learning to dance has completely changed my life, I always have a go to activity that makes me feel connected to other people. Dancers are super friendly too!

27

Aye, I’ll bet the deposit for having two horses in your apartment was freakin’ huge! Not to mention the deposits from having two horses in your apartment, amiright?

Hey! I’ll be here all week folks! Try the veal!

28

Am I going crazy? I could have sworn I posted to this thread and that jayrey responded to it.

29

My suggestion is to work out exactly what loneliness means to you.

If it’s having company in the house even if you’re not talking to them, put a TV on or radio on a chat station so there’s some background noise for the illusion of company.

If it’s actually intellectual stimulation from conversation, message boards or facebook can work.

Getting an evening routine of things to do helps, as does breaking it up every now and then with something spontaneously different.

Physical intimacy is trickier but there’s ways. Sometimes that’s where a pet comes in (no I’m not being disgusting) as petting a pet and getting a physical response can serve as a partial substitute.

30

Another loner here. I’ve gradually adjusted my life and hobbies to be almost totally solo. Occasionally I wish I had a companion to explore with, but the feeling usually passes. I’m surprised at questions like the OP’s on how to increase the number of people around, rather than decrease it.

Sidenote: During a conversation with co-workers about the Apollo missions and crews, I mentioned I’d most like to be Michael Collins on Apollo 11. At the time, he might have set a record for being furthest away any other humans. I’d like to see what that’s like.

The Master speaks on the subject (of the ultimate solo trip).

31

We both must be. You posted and I responded to you and several others but our posts are gone.

Mods: What’s up?

32

I tried learning to dance but the one class I signed up for, there were two other single ladies (none of us had brought male partners) and since they were friends, they opted to dance with each other. Looked like fun, though.

33

Bolding by me for emphasis. I think **sandra_nz **has the way of it for me. This is exactly what I feel is lacking. I have only one friend who is a single woman like me. All my other friends are married and very involved with their spouses and family obligations and activities.

I have been thinking about taking a evening drawing class at the local community college. My drawing skills have gotten rusty and I could use a refresher (art college was a looong time ago). Maybe I’ll meet new friends there.

Thanks for all your responses.

34

After 18 years of marriage, in a mostly dysfunctional relationship, I am happy to spend time alone. I would love to enter another relationship with someone who can provide me with some space now and again; I was suffocated in my marriage. That’s no way to live.

So, for the time being (after one year) I’m glad to spend time alone. I see friends often enough that I’m not a hermit, but I love having time to myself.

35

How about volunteering? I’ve always found lots of people to hang out with whenever I’m able to do that. Plus, you just get to socialize in general.

36

Yes, I’ve been thinking about volunteering as an option too. I volunteer at horse shows but I need to break out and do something different.

37

How weird, I was just looking at this from the opposite angle too. I’m currently thinking of breaking it off with a new lady friend because she’s just too sociable for me. How the hell do you say to someone ‘yeah you’re great, but in limited quantities’? I think it would be fairer to let her find someone who likes the constant socializing. I’m also seriously considering not dating at all anymore. I spend more time thinking of ways to get rid of people than trying to acquire more.

38

I think it’s important to make a clear distinction between solitude and loneliness. I’m an introvert myself, and despite that, I do tend to enjoy having company, typically in smaller groups and with people I know well, but it can be exhausting. Personally, I tend to look forward weekends when I get to spend my time in solitude, I get an opportunity to recharge and focus on the things that I really want to do.

I will get lonely from time to time, it usually takes a few weekends in a row of solitude before I feel lonely. If that’s the case, I’ll just reach out to a friend or family and put something together. Usually, though, I find that my family and friends have a great desire to stay in contact than I have a need for company, so I usually don’t have to put in much effort to that end.

That said, I realize I’m probably in the minority in how much solitude I appreciate. I, of course, also get a fair amount of social interaction at work, I go to the gym routinely and exercise intensely, I get other types of social and physical stimulation too. I think if one feels lonely more consistently, it’s important to look at some of those factors. If you, say, work in a small office with little contact, work from home, and don’t exercise regularly, that could be a contributing factor. Otherwise, I’d say just go do something you like. I’m not a proponent of the idea of just doing something for the sake of meeting people, that strikes me as a odd form of dishonesty. Rather, just do something you enjoy that requires you to get out and about. Maybe go to a concert, a movie, shoot pool, go for a hike; hell, you can even just go hang out at a coffee place and read just to be out and about.

I also don’t think that one needs to give up being in a relationship, it’s just a matter of finding the right match. I’ve dated women who were moderately to very extroverted and loved to go out, and to some extent I liked it because it forced me to get more interaction, but it was ultimately exhausting. But not all women are like that, and just keep that in mind when you’re looking. There’s plenty of people who don’t really want to go out and party or whatever, but you probably have to look a little harder for them because they’re less likely to put themselves out there.

39

I had a horse for 25 years and my life outside of work was my horse and the barn. No offense, but if you have two horses, how much free time do you have? And the barn is your built-in social life. If nobody at the barn is available to do social fun stuff, there are other places to meet horse people, like volunteering at a local riding center or at events. I had to put my horse down New Year’s Eve, so I don’t go to the barn, but I am still friends with 2 former boarding buddies. I live alone. Am I lonely? Sometimes, but then I get off my butt and do something where I interact with people. I now practice yoga several times a week at a studio. Bottom line is if you are unhappy with your loneliness, find other things to do that bring you in contact with people.

40

I am in a weird position, in that I have enough mental illness/personality issues that I literally cannot date without risking my sanity. I get very attached, very quickly, and when things go wrong (as they do), I get devastated and suicidal. So, boo. I will end up as someone’s crazy auntie, I’m sure.

I have a small group of friends, and my mom lives with me, so I have some companionship. We have two cats, who are incredibly spoiled. To the point of which we rush around opening the window shades so they can get the sun by 8:30am, give one of them treats (but not the other; for some reason he buries them?), change their water like 10x a day, and tolerate the bitey one because A) he loves me dearly and B) if we tried to rehome him, with the biting issues, he would almost certainly be put down.

Anyway. People and pets help, but sometimes they’re either not available, or not enough. That’s when you have to get yourself some hobbies/distractions. TV’s okay, but it doesn’t tend to fully hold my attention. So I have needlework, sudoku, video games, reading, etc., along with surfing the internet.

You will be amazed at how much fun Tumblr is if you filter out all the porn (YMMV) and social justice posturing. My feed is nothing but cute anime and Pokemon pictures, movies and TV shows I like, and Tom Hiddleston. :wink:

Also, be open to stuff that may seem crazy at first glance. I was considering signing up for an online Pokemon tournament. (They have divisions that separate the kids from the adults.) But: I’m a 43-year-old woman; I’ve never played in a tournament before; and my Pokemon are nowhere near ready. Still, somehow, I couldn’t get the idea out of my head.

You know what? I decided to do it anyway, and it’s nearly all I’ve thought about this week (tournament starts Thursday evening). I am so frickin’ excited, it’s unbelievable. :smiley: And I say this as a person with a history of depression and apathy - it is so hard to care about anything sometimes!

Is there anything you’ve wanted to try, but held yourself back from, because it seemed “silly” or you thought you’d be mocked for it? Preferably that won’t bankrupt you, hurt you, or put you in danger? My gosh, go for it! You may not necessarily meet people to be your best friends, but you may well have an experience that will keep you buzzed for days.

I wonder sometimes if a lot of things we do are primarily to distract ourselves from our loneliness? If so, we might as well take advantage of the opportunity to try something fun and new, I guess. :stuck_out_tongue:

Note: I hate trying new stuff, so I’m tickled when it works out. It’s like the best kind of reinforcement for taking a chance. Best of luck to you. :slight_smile:

41

I tried to push myself to go out more and do more stuff. I did it for about a year and it was ok but then I was like “Wow…I do not like this anymore. At all.”

And now I am much better at being alone and being home because I know I do not enjoy the alternative.