A few months ago, I accepted the fact that I am not suited to be in a close, physically intimate relationship so I stopped actively seeking one. For the first few weeks, I felt a great sense of relief. Lately though, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely. I get good social contact at work during the week and have a few good acquaintances at the barn where I ride and train, but they all have families and lives of their own so, outside of a few hours on Saturday or at a horse show, I don’t see them. I have three close friends, two of whom live a long distance from me and the third, my best friend, who travels frequently. So, other than a couple of hours on Saturday at the barn with my riding buddies, I am alone most every evening and almost all weekend, every weekend.
I am intensely private and love living alone (or is it that I hate living with anyone else?), so I won’t get a roommate. I’ve joined a couple of Meet Up-type groups on local hikes and city walking tours but didn’t make any real connections. People wanted to talk about themselves and couldn’t relate to my hobbies or my work (which are pretty esoteric).
I don’t think my situation is unique. So, tell me, how do you cope with your loneliness?
I should add that, while my cat is quite the conversationalist, the topics she interested in discussing are limited to food, squirrels, birds and napping.
I am fortunate to have a close nuclear family and thus not be lonely in any total sense, but it has been years since there was a person I could call “friend” without flinching a bit at the presumption. Colleagues, neighbors, co-workers, co-volunteers, yes; enough “friend” that I could call them up without a particular reason to do so… not since maybe the mid-1990s. I do a fair amount of business, school and community socializing and I don’t think I have any particularly toxic attributes, but the walls never quite seem to go away. I’ve simply resigned myself to it.
Maybe some of us are just supposed to be that way, and meant to find our companionship in other things.
I like to go out to events with my friends - concerts, comedy shows, just walking around, and the like. If they’re not around, we can keep in touch online. I do get lonely too sometimes, though.
I am a loner by nature and don’t really get lonely at all or even understand the concept. I spend a whole lot more effort trying to get rid of people than I do trying to attract more of them to stick around. Still, I am not a total misanthrope or hermit although I think I might love that someday. I have two daughters that are about the only people that I enjoy having around for more than an hour or so. I also have a very visible job with tons of interaction with hundreds of people (too much most of the time). I also travel a whole lot both for business and pleasure. I turn down 75% of the social and business invitations I get because I really don’t like most of them but they keep coming. I know my outlook doesn’t apply to most people but I love those rare evenings and weekends where I can just shut the phone off and not speak to anyone. I have never hit the limit on the amount of time I enjoyed that.
Count me as another who doesn’t really get the concept of loneliness. I love having evenings and weekends alone and joke about finding a “hermit cave” all the time.
You can afford two horses but not a dog?
But anyway, I find that the older I get the more of a loner I’m becoming by default.
I just recently “downgraded”* my relationship with a lady whom I had been seeing. On paper, I really had no reason to; she’s smart, she’s funny etc… But I, or I guess I should say we toned it down because she likes to go out and be social, while I on the other hand, tend to get grumpy anytime I’m taken out of my normal routine.
So after this latest attempt at finding love, I’ve pretty much decided to stop actively seeking it. Because really, it wouldn’t be fair to the girl if she has to put up with my grumpy ass every time she wants to do something spontaneous like go have dinner with the Smiths.
My dog and cats do a pretty good job at keeping me company.
*We mutually agreed to break it off (it was a friendly break up), but there has since been a few late night calls that have led to us hooking up again. I’m hoping this doesn’t lead to drama down the road. (Sigh…)
I think I’m a lot older than you.
And,tho I was married and had children,I don’t think I’ve ever had a really close relationship with another human.
Lonely? Sorta… I do enjoy the computer…
Frankly, having a weekly appointment with a f-buddy went a long way toward curing my loneliness, when I was single. It was a couple hours of one-on-one attention and physical contact. Sometimes we’d do a movie or something in the middle of the week, too. We were both clear it wasn’t going anywhere, we were just… well… lonely.
Look, I appreciate the offer but the OP is looking to have a more normal life, not disappear and go on the lam. You might want to restrict your generous offers to threads about legal trouble and spouse issues where it could be more useful. Reported.
I don’t get lonely either, but I don’t want you to feel alone in your loneliness, jayrey. Although I don’t think I feel lonely, I do tire of doing everything alone sometimes and sticking out like a big solitary thumb. I think it is harder for a woman to be in this situation sometimes. I see lots of guys hanging out by themselves. But rarely any women.
I’m secure enough in my loner nature to fully acknowledge that there are indeed some activities that are more enjoyable with other people. I like watching movies in a movie theater, for instance. But I hate standing in the long-ass line all by myself.
One thing that helps is being social at work. I eat lunch in the breakroom for a few minutes and chit-chat with folks, and then I go down to another floor and do crossword puzzles with a couple of people who tolerate me and make me laugh. Later in the day, I’ll go to another floor (one known for having nice snacks) and exchange playful banter with a couple of people. Or they may come by and visit me. So even though I don’t have a friend I’d feel comfortable asking to be in my wedding or anything like that, I do have people who seem to like me and who I also like. That’s good enough for a mild misanthrope like me.
I also have a therapist who I see on a regular basis. We are a lot closer than we probably should be, and the sessions are definitely more of a luxury than a necessity right now. I used to have this big emptiness in me–maybe that is loneliness? But it’s not there now, and I attribute this to therapy.
I think this is a large part of what I’m feeling, monstro. I, too, get tired of doing everything by myself. I have wide-ranging interests but would just like to share them with another person sometimes. Wandering through art galleries by myself isn’t nearly as satisfying as having a companion to talk to about what we’re seeing.
And like Shagnasty, I have a very finite capacity for company and am very picky about who I want to spend time with. A friend of a friend recently invited me to a BBQ she was having to celebrate her husband’s birthday. My friend, who knows me very well, said to be prepared because these folks and their usual cohort were heavy drinkers and marijuana users. I declined the invitation. In those circumstances, I’d rather be home alone.
I think what I struggle with is finding the balance. I usually love my time alone, truly love living alone, love not having to accomodate myself to anyone else. And, yet, there are those two or three times a month that I’d like meet a friend after work for a drink and dinner, just to chat about something other than horses or work. If I was willing to have a f-buddy, as Sattua did, I’m sure I could – there have been volunteers – but I’m not interested. I tried that before – it actually made me feel lonelier.
And Shakes, I can’t afford a dog *because *I have two horses.
I think your problem is not learning to cope with loneliness, but figuring out how to get some friends. You’re interested in horses, so it should be possible to make friends with other riders. Is there some reason you can’t see these people away from the barn or horse shows? Why not invite some of them over to your place for a BBQ, or figure out some other way to get together with them?
