I am getting depressed about my teenage daughter-she is 16, and has no interest in school. Her world revolves around boys, rap music (she adores M&M), and partying. Her grades are mediocre-she gets Cs and Ds, and seems to have no idea of what career to persue. I’ve been taking her to museums, plays, music events, etc., in hopes of stimulating her interests in something better.
Unfortunately, as she is now a junior in HS, she hasn’t got much time left…if she wants to get into a good college.
The thought of her winding up as an uneducated, unmotivated member of the underclass really depresses me…what can I do?
Pay more attention to the example you’ve genuinely set for her, and not just the superficial ‘motivation’ endoevers. Have you always set a good example? The odds are that you haven’t. It seems more than likely that your daughter is suffering from a psychologic or emotional disorder, which is, of course, either entirely your fault, or entirely genetics fault dependant upon the disorder. Try paying a little bit more attention to what she’s interested in. You mentioned “Eminem,” She obviously listens to him because she feels like she can relate to his music, why not give it a listen and figure out the message she’s trying to convey? And not a "He curses, and uses poorly constructed metaphors. He’s bad-kind of listen either. A genuine sit down and try to see the world from your daughter’s eyes. Only then can you hope to find a way to motivate her. But it’s never really too late. Even if she does poorly in high school she can get a tech job in the military and get into a great college if she decides to go that route later in life.
Well, keep up what you’re doing, because I’m sure she’s getting a lot of benefits from the places you’re taking her (and the one-on-one time with Dad). But at 16, she may already be in sink or swim territory. She is old enough now that she is intellectually aware of the consequences of blowing off school, and at some point, she and only see can make the decision to do well. You said “If she wants to get into a good college.” That is something that she has to want to do.
She may simply not be college material, in which case she still needs you to love her unconditionally. It doesn’t mean she will end up an unmotivated member of the underclass–there are places in society for people to succeed without degrees. Perhaps she just hasn’t found her niche.
She may simply not be mature enough to set her own priorities and manage her time right now. So she may not get a scholarship to an Ivy League school; she could still get a college education when she’s ready for it.
She likes boys and partying? Well then, she’d love college. You could emphasize how incrediably fun college can be; that is, how fun it can be for those who learned how to juggle academics and a social life in high school.
I think that you need to step back and let her decide what she wants for herself. Perhaps college is not a goal for her right now. Should it be in the future, it is entirely possible to get into a college without a high school diploma, and exceptional grades are not required. Even if she were to graduate with a very low GPA, she could still go to a junior college when she is properly motivated, earn good grades, and then transfer to a “good” college.
Perhaps her lack of motivation is a signal to you that she wants to be in control of her own decisions and not be compelled to meet someone else’s defiinition of success. Grades and parental approval are extrinsic rewards. They lose their effect unless and until she become intrinsically motivated.
Truly, you need to tell her you are leaving it up to her whether she chooses to get good grades. She needs to find her own path in life without pressure from anyone else. Once she truly feels she is in charge of deciding where that path will lead, you will be surprised at the level of motivation she will show. Perhaps this won’t happen until she has been out of school and in the real world for a couple of years.
But just the same, her life will not be over and her options will not be closed just because she has yet to find her intrinsic motivation.
You don’t.
She can motivate herself.
You just set up your expectations for her behavior and productivity, set up the consequences for her potential reactions, and let her find her own way.
Don’t worry about her discovering a career, she’ll find one. Truly rare is the college bound kid who really knows what he/she wants to do career wise. That’s what the first five years of college are for.
What’s she doing partying, carrying on with boys, and listening to eminem when she’s bringing home such substandard grades?
Here’s what you do: You take away all the good stuff she has (assuming you bought it) such as tv, phone, computer in her room, etc. until she can prove she has a good GPA. Let her figure out how to prove it to you (cause it’s a long time between grade reports); she may come up with a weekly status report from her teachers regarding her test scores and homework, if she doesn’t come up with it, maybe you could suggest it. Either way, be ready to listen to her creative ways of proving to you that she’s doing well.
Also: be ready for the notion that she may not want to attend a “good” college. You have no control over that. What you do have control over is the rules of your home. You control those, believe in them, and let her adjust.
Not sure GD is the correct forum, but the keyword here is choice.
It is her choice to reject college, which is something you should accept, and she should be confident that you will still love her no matter what choice she makes.
However, it should also be clear that making such a choice now severly restricts choice later. An unfortunate fact of life is that if you don’t do what you are told at sixteen, you end up having to do what you are told for the rest of your life. College allows a greater choice of career, regardless of what one studies (within reason). The choice of when one can have a good time, if at all, is definitely restricted if you have to work shifts on minimum wage, and far easier if one’s parents provide some financial support which might not be forthcoming if college is rejected.
Teen who is lost and doesn’t like studying ? Seems very normal to me…
Try bribing her into studying ? Get her some poetry books that she might relate to ? Literature helps sometimes.
This might be a phase…
Looks like she’s not going to live a goody-goody existence for her young adulthood. Although disappointing, it’s not the end of the world.
My older sister was like your daughter, except she was enamored with punk. She would cut class and smoke weed in the house and runaway sometimes. She managed to make it to college, but she flunked out after a semester.
College isn’t for everyone. College right after high school isn’t for everyone either.
My sister’s doing great, now. She’s a mutual funds advisor and lives a solidly middle-class existence. And she’s much wiser than I’ll probably ever be. Don’t be depressed. Chances are your daughter will come around to some sense of responsibility.
Don’t think that her future is hopelessly bleak if she does poorly in high school.
Going to community college for a couple years (after the realization that her life is going nowhere has sufficiently motivated her) and then transferring to a 4-year school is cheaper and gives just as good, if not better (due to class sizes) an education. State schools (even good state schools, e.g., Berkeley) accept a sizeable number of transfers from community colleges.
This is what I eventually did after dropping out of high school as a freshman. My grades were far worse then C’s. 
Never give up. Even when she curses to your face or slams your door, make it known that you will always be there for her (cheesy, I know. Even if you stop taking her to plays and trying to have meaningful conversations, just knowing that you won’t get mad when she truly needs you is so important)
In case you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be 16, you might want to rent Ghost World.
Coming from a 19 year old, so from a bit of a closer perspective.
Come down hard. Now. If her grades are unacceptable to you, make sure she knows that, and make sure she knows that they will become acceptable within as short a time period as possible.
She’s not an adult yet, her “choices” right now should be respected only if they’re non-detrimental to her future.
No parties, no boys, no car (even if she’s paying for it) until she’s meeting or exceeding your expectations. Those things are priviledges, not rights.
You will help her meet your expectations. It sounds like you’ve been trying, but maybe you could move towards something a bit more tangible, like helping with homework, watching and discussing books and movies, discussing the news, etc.
If she has a job, consider making her quit. She doesn’t NEED the money, and it’s quite possibly affecting her grades.
I concur with the previous posters that college isn’t for everyone. I was top %10 of my highschool class, and I’m struggling in my second year right now. HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that good grades and being successful in highschool won’t help her be successful in whatever she chooses to do afterwards.
More information about specific problems she’s having, and about your family life in general would’ve been desirable in making the above observations, and in some cases, could change my advice, but as it is, there it is.
I don’t think a 16 year old should be expected to have any idea of what kind of career they want. Not that I’m implying that you’re trying to pressure her into making a decision like that yet or anything – I’m just saying don’t worry about it.
I was 25 before I knew what I wanted to do, and before then I was just wasting my time trying to go to college. Now that I’m focused, I’m kicking ass! Maybe your girl’s a late bloomer, but she’ll bloom
And I’m with whoever said to yank the goodies till the grades come up.
How about signing her up for some regular volunteer work? Even if you have to enforce her attendance it might help her see things from another perspective.
I’ll second everything I just quoted. If you are trying to establish that good grades are a priority right now, why are behaviors that you both know are not going to result in good grades allowed to continue? Some solid discipline is in order, and you’re the one who has to oversee it.
If you are so devoted to spending time with her, why not take her to some of these colleges you hope she can aspire to? Let her get a view of campus life, and work together to decide where she might like to go.
Remember, a teenager is neither a child, nor an adult. She doesn’t have the knowledge or life experience to make mature decisions yet, but she is also no longer a naif who hangs on your every word as gospel. You have to acknowledge her increased ability to accept responsibilities without abdicating too many of your own.
Wow, a rather wide spectrum of thoughts on how to bring up a 16 year old.
It’s probably not possible to get help in this from the internet. You know your kid, you should know what’ going to work or not. Suddently coming down like a ton of bricks when your daughter is used to a different style of parenting will definantly back fire and if she wants to, she can totally destroy her life by running away (something my sister did). Do not underestimate your 16 year old. My sister ran away for 4 years before coming back and she was 18.
I say keep doing some light encouragement. Make her see your efforts in getting her to care, because if you brought her up well she should at least want to make you a happy. At 16 life is rather confusing, having solid parents is what all children want and need.
BTW I like eminem music but I would be slightly worried if your daughter is a huge fan. A lot of his music is rather dark. She might either feel the music matches components of her life, or just likes the beat (who knows). It might be rather akward but you might want to ask her about it.
Thanks for the helpful comments…however, I am divorced (I am the Non-custodial parent). So, I don’t have much control over my daughter’s life. Anyway, I always wanted her to be a doctor or professional. She just isn’t on the right path, and it hurts. My ex-wife doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it, and I’ve given up talking to her about it.
My advice, from a 21 year old:
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Don’t try to force her into anything. That’ll just make her stick her heels in.
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Encourage her to read, talk to people about careers etc.
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My most valuable advice: get her to get a job. A minimum wage job. A crappy one. One she’ll hate. She’ll realize pretty quickly that she doesn’t want to be there forever, and she’ll take steps to make sure of that.
I’ve never raised a kid, so feel free to disregard my thoughts.
I, too, was a pretty aimless 16 y.o., with mediocre grades and all that, until I get a teacher who got me excited about history and politics. I left HS early, went to community college, transferred to a four-year school, and did great. All I needed was to discover what direction I wanted to take.
I’m not too in to others’ advice to come down on her like a drill sergeant. Put me in the “she’s gotta open her eyes to the world” camp.
I’d suggest getting her to get a job, and to get her to travel outside the country on an exchange trip or something. The world can appear pretty small to a high schooler with no real long-term goals, and maybe seeing something new will snap her out of it.
Or, she’ll just spend two weeks in Paris rolling her eyes at her Dad who is just, like, SO dumb, or something.
I have to agree with a lot that has already been said here. I would like to elaborate.
At 16, I cared about little else besides cars and girls - and that was before cell phones and the Internet ever existed.
My family was middle class, but I felt that I was spoiled, so I joined the military. I was as clueless as your daughter, but atleast had the insight to know that college would have been a massive waste of my parents’ money. I decided that a little punishment for myself was needed, for the long term benefit.
Four years later, my friends were still floundering in college with half of a Liberal Arts degree completed.
I’m not saying send you daughter off to a military school. I’m saying that a little deprivation in priveledges really makes one realize what they really need, and spawns an appreciation of these same privledges.
non-custodial, that changes things.
You want her to be a doctor, but you can’t make her one so don’t try. If you feel you absolutely must give her unsolicited advice, make sure you’re doing it humbly.
Have no covert agendas with her; she’ll probably sniff them out and see you as a manipulator. Strive for nothing in your relationship with her other than a good relationship. Then maybe your advice will mean something.