How do YOU Pick your Battles?

In My Humble Opinion
1

lately, i’ve been exploding at everything! I figure due to other peripheral stresses going on (I HATE my LOSER sisters!!!), and as selfish as this MUST sound, I could still be living in Italy but came back to care for my sick mom (shes’s too ill to fly anywhere–ever again). Usually I’d consider all the crap going on, scratch off the little shit and if necessary battle the bigger stuff, but either ive lost my good sense or I need some better suggestions on HOW NOT to blow a fuck’n gasket at everything/everyone who pisses me off… dang it!

So, HOW do you do it???

2

I’m a shut-in. What can I say, it works.

3

Instead of not addressing actions which you are not comfortable with and holding the frustration inside until it blows, you could communicate your needs to the offending person immediately. This requires you to be calm, fair, consistent, and unreservedly honest… but puts the impetus on the other person to change behavior that is unacceptable to you. If you explain to people what you need and why, they will generally be much more accomodating. If your sisters (or anyone else) continue with actions that disrespect your stated needs, you need to rethink your relationships.

Of course, that’s just my opinion. I’m not a hypocrite, I just play one on Straight Dope…

4

Badly.

5

Generally when I blow up at every little thing, I realize there’s some underlying, unaddressed issue that’s causing me to be so explosive. Of course, I only realize this after I’ve been a raging bitch for a week or so.

You’ve got a lot to deal with if you came home from Italy to take care of a sick mother. It could be that you’ve got a lot of frustration building up there so you’re blowing up about little things when you’re really angry or scared about something else.

6

Picking one’s battles is not an easy skill to learn (or relearn), and the best means of going about it will obviously vary from one person to the next. For me, choosing to avoid a “battle” means you don’t do it because you’re not going to get anything out of it. For example, it may seem like a big deal that the salad cream goes in the refrigerator instead of the cabinet, but really it doesn’t matter. And, as MaddyStrut said, that’s probably not what’s really bothering you anyway.

7

I guess I learned how to shrug off stuff from Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends… I took the course, but you can get all his stuff about anger and arguments by reading it. Even though the book is older than I am, it’s still in print, and the things he says are still valid. It is revised every few years, mostly by using excerpts from speeches given in the course by students. (When you come to the one about a cafeteria lady named Eunice, that’s from my speech.)

Some ideas for you:

You can never really get even. Your retaliation will only spur another retaliation.

Being right is rarely as important as getting along with people. When you’re tempted to correct somebody, ask yourself, “Is the satisfaction of being right worth the resentment I’ll cause?”

You don’t enjoy getting angry, right? Most things people get peeved over aren’t worth a nickel, let alone twenty minutes of feeling bad. You have more important things to do than wasting your energy on anger.

Some folks seem to enjoy starting arguments and riling people up. That’s their problem. You have no obligation to rise to the bait. Pretend not to be mad, and go on with your life.

If you are teased mercilessly, it is mainly because you get mad. It’s no fun to tease a guy who can laugh at himself.

“Don’t take life too serious. It ain’t nohow permanent.” --Walt Kelly, who may not have been the first to say it.

8

It is very sad when a family member, especially if that member is your mother, is sick. It is especially bas when members of the family are apparently not getting along.
My mother is very ill as well, but so far my family has worked through this by the unsaid and unwritten law that whatever my father says, goes. He makes the decisions about her well being and the rest of us back him up. Period.
If dad makes a decision that one of us has some concerns about, we do not go to him, we call each other and voice our concerns and usually whomever is called will explain what is happeneing and why in such a way as to extinguish all conflict.
Unfortunately, it is also an unwritten rule that all of us thre sons, and respective daughters in law are relieved that we don’t have to make any decisions. I know it sounds sick, but the truth is that if I had to make a decision about what happens to mom, I would just break. How my father does it is beyond me.
Unfortunately we all know that one day, maybe very soon, the whole family will be called upon to make the decision beyond all decisions. We have not talked about that day, but I know we all fear it.

I’m sorry, I’m talking too much about myself. Please forgive.

It is very sad that your family is not united behind the well being of your mother. I am so sorry that you are doing this all alone. The anger you feel is very real and you shouldn’t feel bad about feeling it.
But, of course, something must be done. Try this.
Write a letter to each of your siblings. In this letter let out all of your feelings of anger. Say, in no uncertain terms, how you feel about who they are and what they are not contributing to the welfare of their mother. Get it all out, be a raving bitch. Then, when the letters are done, burn them. That’s right, burn them. Watch as all of your anger goes up in flames.
Then, write another letter. This time be more rational. Explain that your mother is ill, that she needs her family and that you need help in caring for her.
Use liberal amounts of guilt with lines such as “This is the time that your mother needs your care, much as you depended on her care when you were a child and not able to fend for yourself.”
Do not be rude, do not rant and rave. Put your arguments forward in a calm and logical manner. Make sure to mention family a lot.
“These are decisions that we, as a family, should make in order to give our mother a better life.”

It is up to you whether or not you mail this letter, but you’ll feel better if you did. If they respond positivly than good. If they respond negativly then you should assume that they want to decision making powers and feel free to make those hard decisions without them. If they ask “Why did you do this withoout coming to me first” just gently remind them of the letter you sent and that you took their lack of reply as permission to make those decisions.
Oh yes, in the event the worst happens, you may need to get some sort of court order making you the sole provider of your mothers care. Legal aid may be able to help you with some of the costs, or you may want to contact a local elderly persons group or the AARP.

I know it is alot to take in but remember you are doing something good here. Keep your chin up.

9

In general I try to pick my battles by asking myself to look at (a) my reasons for wanting to fight, and (b) the realistic outcomes of the battle.

If I’m fighting something solely because I’m angry or frustrated or feeling slighted, I’m bound to waste a lot of time and energy.

If I’m fighting something that is truly worth it, because there is a good chance that I can affect the outcome, then I do my best to stay focused on that outcome and in calm, rational moments, I plan and evaluate and re-evaluate my strategy.

In other words, if you can keep a cool head, you are WAYYYYY better off.

But trust me, I realize that with any kind of family stuff it is a zillion times harder, and that’s where I fall apart. I’m currently fighting with my stepsisters right now because they’re pissed off I didn’t invite them to my wedding. There is no positive outcome, there is no rational reason to be even talking to them, yet I can’t leave it alone.

So I hear ya, and I sympathize. Good luck.

10

** The Blah blah Blah Blog of Shirley**

I have been working on these very issues myself for a number of years. What my problems come from are a frustration of These things need to be changed because the status quo is a negative force, man. It’s sucking the very life out of XYZ and it is intolerable. and what I get back is But that’s how we’ve always done it. We don’t know any other way and CHANGE IS SCARY LALALALALALALAALALALA! She’s talking nonsense again! She’s too young too know anything…She’s a kid…lalalalalalalalala

Lather.Rinse.Repeat for 38 years.

What has worked for me is asking yourself this: In ten years, will this X really matter at all?*
X can be: a dumb ass thing someone said; getting screwed by a few cents in change from the cashier; getting cut off in traffic; someone spoiling a movie/book that you’ve long wanted to see; a behaviorial pattern by someone that negatively and directly effects your day to day life and mental state *; messy dishes left in the sink…etc.
Most of these things, except the italicized one, can probably be ignored with the mantra of In ten years, it won’t make any difference. The one I’ve highlighted on is where I have my issues in life and how I directly deal with the problem is twofold: when they say something that is so incredibly stupid and/or contradictory I ignore them.

I use to point out the flaws of their thinking ( not in a nice manner either, but more of a ‘ram your fcuked up ness’ down their own gullet’ of which now I realize is satisfactory in theory but very short lived for the overall post orgasmic glow, if you know what I mean and I think you do. I’m not proud and I realized I want to be remembered for in life as being a leeetle bit more even tempered. Growth as a person comes in babysteps. ) and realize that confrontation just seems to make the dumbass person beleive more in their dumbassedness. Much like scolding a dog, all they hear is, " Blah, blah, blah, SPARKY!" when you are saying, " You don’t pee on the rug, Sparky!"

However, silence seems to give credence or validation to whatever dumbass is saying or behavior problem, because nobody is saying anything like, " oh, what a great idea." etc. Because no one wants to get into a fight with them because they will never listen. They.will.never.listen.Ever.

I’ve noticed in my own insular world that when Dumbass (and I am thinking of one person in particular) goes off on an intangent of nonsense, I a) ignore them. b) if asked my thoughts, I say, " Sorry, I let my mind wander …" and then I quietly get up to go to the bathroom with a magazine. Never go into the bathroom at an inlaws without a magazine. Or use your kids as an excuse. Or just change the subject. That’s my second most favorite method. Talking about ME and all my Fabulousness. (Insert a smiling picture of Bernie Mac from Ocean’s 11 when he is in the Taxi arriving in Las Vegas.)

Also, what works for me, YMMV, is if one person in general is generally inescapable from day to day function ( work or family…oye…family…what a tangled web of farkups you weave!) is that when that person is not in the room with me, they really cease to exist in my mind. When I am with them, I treat them nicely and only say polite, nice things to them. Always positive things.

Instead of dwelling on the 1 or 2 things that drive me batshit isn’t it always just one or two things you just can’t get over or work around? Why is that? Discuss., I focus on the material things in life. Cause that’s the kinda gal I am. Vapid and vacuuous. “I like that purse…where did you get it?” And then watch as they gleefully tell me all about getting it on their vacation that they took that they dumped their 4 kids off on my MIL and somehow they can’t afford a lawn mower and have borrowed ours for the last 7 years…but can take 2-3 large vacations a year…not that I am bitter about been hosed for nearly a decade. Not.at.all.

It kills at first, but after awhile, it becomes old hat.*

*If I didn’t have some kind of shriveled heart, I could sell snow to an Alaskan.

Also, since no one is reading this HAH ! like that’s gonna shut me up!, I’ve decided that the Truly Difficult People In Life ( real and perceived) have really pushed me towards a Zen-like state of mind.

When you cannot move away/wish away/make someone that is just a pain go-away with out going to jail yourself, view what it is that is their Glaring Fault that* Drives You Batshit*. Whatever it is, small or large; and say to yourself:What lesson can I learn from this ? with the follow up essay question of ;*What can I do to avoid doing this on someone else in the future?[/size]

In contusion, thank you for allowing me the priveledge of killing this thread.

Have fun storming the castle!

11

Thanks Cadabra for your thoughts, everyone else too! I’m actually too embarassed to share some of the unconscionable things my sisters (in their late 50s, and some of their adult daughters) have done to my mom… it’s so tragic, and the pain i feel is for my mom, that she has to witness such degradation from her own kids… i.e., stealing her narcotic pain patches (yep, her pain is that intense) and dumping her high blood pressure meds down the drain and stealing money from her wallet while my mom is bathing, credit card fraud in excess of 60K… these are only a FEW of similar shameful crimes made against her, and she just turned 90… I decided i had enough of “IT” and pressed charges yesterday and plan to get protection orders (to keep them away from my mom) tomorrow… y’know what they say, “life is stranger than fiction!” ohhh brother that’s an understatment, and the one that really applies to me right now, “you can’t pick your relatives!” wow! if that were possible, I’d be an only child.

At any rate, I’m trying to maintain my sanity (for the sake of my 5 month old baby who also depends on me 24/7 and wonderful and supportive husband)… it hasn’t been easy and was hoping to visit Venice with hubby and baby within nxt 3 wks, but will hold off until things seem calmer or better yet, I can hire someone that my mom will LIKE (she hates nurses) and take a little breather… we do plan to move back to Italy, eventually, after the inevitable happens (i’ll assume you know what i’m inferring here), till then, and until I can enjoy a few wks in northern Italy, i’ll take some time to vent here.

Also, thanks for the AARP tip, I’ll contact them asap! And my mom wants me to pursue Power of Attorney and will do that too.

Grazie a tutti!
ciao!

12

I’m sure I speak for all when I say we hope things work out for you and your mother. God Bless.

And please, if you feel comfortable about it, keep us informed. I’m sure we all would like to kknow if this turns out as well as we hope it will.

Take care.