I’m using a French name as my username on ICQ and every now and then I get a message in French – got one tonight – obviously they figure I’m French. I want to reply, so how do I say “I don’t speak French” and “Do you speak English?” (Yes, I know, I should change my username. I’ll get around to it one day.)
I don’t speak French.
Je ne parle pas français.
Do you speak English?
Parlez-vous anglais?
Your Official Cat Goddess since 10/20/99.
Hey, I like that hat, man. They sell men’s clothes where you got that?
Great! Thanks Kat.
[…how do I say “I don’t speak French” …]Sycorax
“No speak-a da French-a”
No, wait…that’s Italian…nevermind.
Gary
“Master of the uncalled for.”
Homepage: Gary’s Place
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- Well if you’re in a French restaurant, you say you’ll have the french fries with french dressing, and some french bread. - MC
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“I don’t speak French” = “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?” 
I don’t suffer from insanity…
I enjoy every minute of it!
Or, expanding Kat’s offering slightly:
Je regret que je ne parle pas français.
Well, I don’t speak French, but I’d be wary of trying Glenoled’s phrase with a stranger…
“Voulez-vous”, I think, means “Will you?”
“avec” is with.
“moi” as we all probably know is “me”
“coucher” I don’t know, but considering what fits this sentence
Will you __ with me?
and a sarcastic looking smile… I think it’s something you want to suggest to a very friendly friend…
I’ve always been told that “I don’t speak French.” “Do you speak English” translates roughly into
Je ne parle pa Francais - I don’t speak French.
Es ca vous parle anglais? - Do you speak English?
The spelling is assuredly wrong, as I’ve only heard it spoken.
I would appreciate it if someone could correct my attempted translation of voulez-vous (etc) or my spelling. Pronunciation tips would also be appreciated.
If Glenoled’s statement is what I think it is, well, pronunciation tips would be appreciated for it as well… I’ll try anything once. 
<i> “Voulez-vous”, I think, means “Will you?” </i>
Close enough, but “Would you like to” is probably better
<i>“Je ne parle pa Francais - I don’t speak French.
Es ca vous parle anglais? - Do you speak English?”</i>
Je ne parle pas francais (with the cedille thing instead of a c)
Est-ce que vous parlez anglais?
Your spelling is okay phonetically. “Est-ce que” is pronounced “Ess Kuh”, which is an astounding feat of spelling stupidity.
“Coucher”–> “Koo shay”
I’m not a native French speaker and my dictionary is not handy, so please excuse any of that if it’s wrong.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? means “Would you like to sleep with me?”
Which was the refrain in Patti LaBelle’s #1 U.S. hit in 1975, “Lady Marmalade”.
Jes suis Americain . . . I am an American. When you offend someone in France with your bumbling ways, you can always use it as a form of apology.
No, no, no. If you say, Je suis americain in France, you will just open yourself up to more hassles. Advice from a Canadian: say Je suis canadien. (Pretend to be from Alberta, which is culturally indistinguishable from the US. Incidentally, we’ll trade it to you for Vermont and some marijuana.)
Phonetic: Zhuh swee cahnahdye’.
Ich mochte Lebensraum generally seems to get the message across, too.
I liked habitat?
That’s what Babel Fish says, anyway
Tris
Imagine my signature begins five spaces to the right of center.
Correct spelling:
Je regrette que je ne parle pas français.
Slightly better french would be
Je regrette de ne pas parler français.
Ne croyez-vous pas de savon?
Launcher may train without warning.
Je regret que je ne spell pas bien in francais.
How about “Non parlez”
Spiritus, you wanna start a war?!?! Sheesh
I mis-wasted my youth.
All I can recall from high school french is “Mon crayon est grand et jaune”, which comes in handy almost never.