How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay, this is inspired partially by upcoming events, and paritally by Biggirl’s thread I’m losing respect for one of my best friend.

I used to be really good friends with a couple- let’s call them Chad and Maria (if only so I can have an amusing thread title).

Chad and Maria are the limelights of my little social group. They’re very active in the hobby we’re all part of (LARPing), and they do a lot of work in that hobby, in promoting that hobby, and in organizing social activities for my circle of friends.

The problem? Maria has serious issues with self-esteem and anger. Specifically, she frets that everything she involves herself with is going to fail miserably, and she turns her fear into anger at everyone else, and will suddenly lash out at people for small errors- and by ‘lash out’ I mean screaming, shouting, and belittling that person in every way possible. She also sees any sort of competition as a personal threat, and does whatever it takes to win. (This is part of the reason she and Chad are the ones who always organize parties; any time someone else tried to start something up, either Maria would jump in and take it over, or would start a bad-mouthing campaign behind their back.)

This attitude is only worsened by Chad; he’s a nice guy but a classic enabler. Every time Maria flies off the handle, Chad makes private apologies and gives one of a list of excuses (it’s her time of the month; she’s stressed out at work; she’s on new asthma medication which is playing havoc with her moods) to calm the waters, and Maria generally never has to deal with the damage her tantrums cause.

These two are not people I want in my life. Especially given that for three months, Maria’s outbursts were always specifically directed at my girlfriend. You can pull a lot of shit on me, and I’ll just roll with it (though Lord knows I resented Maria enough by that point for making me the occasional victim for her bullying), but I won’t take that sort of shit being pulled on Rebecca.
Sounds good so far, right? Nasty woman and nasty man, get them out of your life, everything’s fine, right?

Except that I’d remind you that Maria and Chad are pretty much the social organizers for my group of friends. And therefore nearly every party or gathering I can go to would be one organized and hosted by Maria and Chad. Which I feel would be an implicit acceptance of them, and while I don’t want to start some sort of social/civil war in my group, I don’t want to continue attending parties where Maria is the center of attention, and by my presence imply that I feel the same, or at the very least (and actually much more important) that I don’t mind myself or Rebecca being treated in this manner by Maria.

So I can boycott these events (and come up with excuses and excuses so that I don’t seem to be specifically avoiding them), but that also means cutting my social life by two-thirds. I like parties. I like hanging out with groups of my friends. But I also know that the only way to do that is through Maria; if I try to organize such things on my own it’ll mean starting up a direct confrontation with Maria (especially if I don’t invite her).
Any suggestions? Commiserations? Or am I just being a whiny git?

2

Sorry, no advice to offer. I have a question for you though now: How do I get this song out of my Head?

3

I’m inclined to say, “Hell with it, give it back to her.” Tough love, and all that. Are you the only person in your social circle who knows what a bitch she is? Doubt it.

I’d talk to her. Tell her how fucking annoying she is (in a more polite way, of course) and let her know that she really is alienating pretty much everyone around her. If she’s too self-involved to see it, and her boy is too whipped to tell her, someone else has to. Your friends will probably back you up.

4

I don’t know if I can help at all but it seems like there are a few things you might try – seeing other members of your social club without an organized party, going behind Chad and Maria’s back, or even starting up with a new group of friends.

The problem is that all of these tend to still leave Maria in charge – you’re still reacting to her odd behavior. If your ground rule is that you won’t confront her (them) you’re probably stuck. I’m reading between the lines but I assume the reason you don’t want to confront her is not that you’re a lily-livered poltroon, but that you just don’t seeing it having any real effect – you’ll hurt her feelings and she will still behave like she always did.

Have you tried talking with others in your clique? (They surely see the problem, too, don’t they?) Maybe if you worked together you could let somebody else be in charge once in a while. You mentioned that she would try to take over or start a bad-mouthing campaign. If everybody knows this is her way, doesn’t it lose a lot of steam? “Oh, there goes Maria again, calling me a two-bit whore just because I made the hors-d’oeuvres myself instead of letting her do it!” It seems like a little coordinated effort could have some effect.

Still, it might just be best of all to have the confrontation. (Or just tell Chad your sick of all the stuff she pulls and let Mr. Enabler deal with it.)

So – lots of free advice, and worth every penny. Let us know how it goes.

5

I’m with Chris on this one. Talking to her may not be the most attractive choice, but it is the most honest. I will tell you how I would handle it. That’s all I can do.
I would be honest, but in her favor. Tell her that you (and your GF) have noticed that sometimes she gets upset over certain things regarding your hobby. Tell her that you find it hard to have a good time when it is so obvious that she is not having a good time. Not that she is ruining it for everyone, but that you are concerned about her enjoying things as much as you all do.
Does she do a good job with handling things, tantrums aside? If so, you could just tell her that you feel bad because she’s so preoccupied with the running of things that she doesn’t enjoy the playing itself. Tell her that you’d love to do whatever you can to help.
Maybe give her a time or two off occaisionally? If you present the issue out of concern for her and not out of criticism, perhaps she won’t be on the defense.
Of course, if you don’t feel that there is any bringing her around…then that is completely different. My husband’s response to people who throw tantrums like this is very simple: “Hey, (insert name here). I like you. I have a lot of fun with you. But you just can’t talk to me like that anymore. Makes me feel bad. About me. And about you. I don’t like either of those options. Can we approach this a different way?”
People are usually so surprised by his honesty that they respond positively.
Good luck to you.

6

I hate to say this, but you & your friends are just as enabling as her boyfriend. Every time he offers an excuse for her and you “accept” it, you give her permission to behave poorly again.

Next time she has a fit ask her if your underwear look too tight. That pain in your ass must be coming from somewhere.

7

First off, thank y’all for the replies.
Now, as for confronting her. Part of it is that I don’t think it will accomplish anything; I’ve confronted her before in response to a tantrum, and it just makes her that much more defensive. Again, she has serious self-esteem problems, and that manifests in an inability to admit that she could possibly be doing something wrong; therefore, any criticism is to be derided and the criticizer to be lambasted no matter how constructive the criticism.

As an example: she, Chad and I were working on a project. She was insistent that a certain piece of information be e-mailed out as early as possible; I felt that we could delay the e-mail to give us time to double-check and make sure that the information she had prepared was what we wanted to send. Maria took affront to this and specifically e-mailed the information before I had a chance to check it over, with a note to me stating that she had worked damned hard on this, there was no time to waste, and that it was very important to her to get it out right away.

Needless to say, the information sent out contained a glaring error that could have done major damage to the game (as a metaphor, imagine reading a mystery and finding “Mr. Jones is the murderer!” scribbled in the notes of the fourth page). I sent an e-mail to Chad and Maria explaining that we had made a mistake in the mailing, and suggested how we could do spin control; Maria replied that she was removing herself from the project as I was “overly critical” and “it is obvious that I can’t possibly live up to the standards that you set.” Chad eventually convinced her to come back and work on the project, but you can imagine the distaste in my mouth.
Anyways, where was I? Oh, yes. So I don’t think that constructive criticism will work in any way.

But it’s also partially that I’m a lilly-livered coward (though not a poltroon). I don’t like confrontation that much, and any discussion with Maria will likely turn into one. I also don’t think I can count on many people in my group to back me up. A lot of people never see that side of Maria (she throws her tantrums at people she’s close to and working with; if you’re just a casual acquaintance and haven’t done a project with her, she seems just fine if a bit snarky). A lot of people see that side of Maria, but either accept that as “just the way she is” or accept her derogatory statements of other people as justified (“yeah, well, she really is a slut, so Maria’s right.”). And quite a few have already been badly burned by Maria and just prefer not to deal with her in any capacity again. So I worry that I’ll be a lone voice in the wilderness.

Another worry is that she and Chad do do a lot of work, and there aren’t a lot of people in the group who would step up to the plate to organize things were Maria and Chad to drop out. So she carried the huge stick that if she weren’t the one in charge, nothing would get done. So she can easily- and does easily- get away with this crap because she doesn’t really have any competition.

I do appreciate the advice, though. I realize I’m not giving you all of the detailed information you’d really need (but then, that would be a small book in and of itself), so anything that’s said is acceptable.

Let me ask this, though- am I over-reacting in being unwilling to go to social events and deal with Maria socially because I feel it looks like approval or acceptance of her actions?

8

Whoa- little*bit gave an answer to my last question before I had even written it. Thanks!