A few months ago, I allowed a friend who was out of work to move in. I have a lot of projects that need doing around the house, and I foolishly thought that this could work out to both of our advantages. Of course it has not… His behavior has deteriorated to the point that I now actually despise him. The fact that he does not contribute monetarily is not the problem, as I did not expect him to, but he does not even clean up after himself or do his share of household chores. Personally, I cannot imagine treating others this way. The idea that I was not pulling my own weight would disturb me to no end.
I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I would rather assume someone was a decent person and be wrong than the other way around. To me, erring on the side of caution means assuming the best about someone until the opposite is proven. This almost invariably generates a negative result though. What can I do to avoid being taken advantage of in the future?
Having someone move in with you is a major step. You need to set out the conditions in advance, preferably in writing. Did you talk to this person about your expectations for househould chores, or just expect that he would do them? Even if you’re not going to charge rent, you need to make an explicit arrangement – in exchange for living here, I expect you to…keep the place clean, supply your own groceries, clean the gutters…whatever you had in mind.
Similarly, if you’re going to loan someone money, if you expect to be repaid, you need to write down the repayment terms and have the borrower sign off.
It’s nice to think the best of people, but it also makes you an easy mark. You can protect yourself by making things clear from the start, rather than just assuming that they understand the arrangement you’re making.
First recognize that your friend is probably just as depressed by being financially dependent on you, as you would be. That depression is what is causing him, very likely, to become slovenly and not care or contribute.
He’s your friend, have you considered doing a ‘friend like’ thing such as sitting down and lighting a fire under him? Giving him a good talking to. Maybe lay out exactly what you’d like to see him contributing. Having it all laid out can really help someone in this circumstance, stay motivated, develop goals etc.
Decide you want him to do chores; A, B, C, on days, Mon, wed, etc. You may find that just knowing you care enough to kick his ass a little, and some daily goals to work to could be enough to help him out of depression caused by financial dependence.
I was terribly depressed when I became financially dependent on my husband. (I was full time caregiving for his bed ridden mother, but I was not, for the very first time in my life, contributing financially. A circumstance I had never foreseen for myself. ) It is much more insidious that you might imagine.
Set a time frame for him to get himself more together. Maybe agree to sit down after another month and see if any real change has been measured. If not, that’s the time I’d think about cutting him loose.
Good advice in general, SpoilerVirgin, but I am hesitant to actually put anything in writing regarding living arrangements, for fear of it being used against me. The last thing I need is to have to go through the expense and hassle of any sort of formal eviction proceedings to get rid of someone who does not even pay rent. “Squatter’s rights” may not seem logical, but they do exist. The truth is that I really did not expect him to do anything whatsoever in exchange for rent, but do expect that any decent adult would do their share of chores. Instead he acts like a surly teenager, and it’s driven me insane.
How does ‘squatter’s rights’ come into it, if you’re paying the rent? They only apply where there is no one as an actual and legal tenant. I’m assuming that’s you, right?
How old is he? And what is your relationship? Just room mates and friends, or something else? I ask because of the 'surly teenage’r comment.
And you are exactly right, Elbows, I’m sure he is depressed, and I’ve cut him a lot of slack. Until recently, I was genuinely concerned for his well-being, but recently I realized I don’t really even think of him as a friend anymore. I don’t want to make up a list of chores for him to resentfully go through the motions of doing. I already raised a child and I don’t want that dynamic. I can’t even get him to quit putting dishes in the sink. He is not completely unwilling to help with projects, but his know-it-all attitude and sulking when things aren’t done his way keep any help from being helpful and just fill me with resentment.
There is no rent and I own the house. Squatter’s rights come into play exactly from someone occupying a space for a period of time, regardless of money. They vary by state and how the authorities choose to interpret them for a given case.
He is 33, so ought not act like a teenage brat. We are simply roommates and nothing more.
Who cares? It’s something I’d put up with in a loved one, for a while, but I am not my friend’s mother. Why do I need to babysit him? Maybe kicking him out on his ass is just the “fire” he needs.
This is how people get to mooch off other people. I tell you, it’s never happening to me.
Is there a reason you couldn’t tell him to move out?
Personally, I would not invite someone to move into my home on a ‘temporary’ basis unless I knew them VERY well and had reason to believe their situation was, indeed, temporary. Knowing anyone that well, I can spot the freeloaders from a mile away, usually from a pattern of having screwed over other people we mutually know and just the nature of their Facebook posts.
While depression is definitely a real thing, and it’s very kind of you to be so generous with your home, I would ask myself what this person is really doing with all their free time. Clearly they aren’t tackling your home projects or even cleaning up after themselves. So what are they doing? If they are just laying in bed and watching TV, that’s a lot better than some of my wife’s ‘depressed’ friends who are constantly seeking validation for their ‘depression’ via Facebook, and are entitled to the point that they regularly post rants on their blog or Facebook about any legislation that will limit their public entitlements. That’s not depression, that’s laziness.
Unfortunately, I don’t know a way to get the lazy and/or depressed person out smoothly and easily, short of lying and saying something like “I need extra money and am renting out your room on Craigslist, so you have a month to find another place to stay”. In my experience, someone who gets a free ride like that and doesn’t do something to earn their keep will fight to the bitter end to keep that entitlement. Expect refusals to move out, threats, and even possible theft of your stuff which they may justify because you “have it so good”.
I could tell him to move out, though he doesn’t have anywhere to go, so I’m not inclined to do that just yet. Yes, this is indeed how people get to mooch off others, but I can’t feel good about throwing someone out with nowhere to go.
Typically I treat people kindly regardless of whether they deserve it at any given moment. I need to find an acceptable balance between generosity and being taken advantage of though, because as they say, no good deed goes unpunished.
I could potentially become worried about how to get him out of my house, but that’s not really my current issue, as I have not even attempted to do so as of yet. I’d definitely start with something like “your residency is not working out for me, so it’s time to move along,” and proceed from there.
I’m more concerned with avoiding future similar situations. I don’t know whether it’s that I am having trouble spotting the freeloaders or whether most people just freeload if given the chance so it’s somehow “normal.”
I think you got a bad one, there - there are a LOT of people in the world who would be endlessly grateful for being taken in when they were in a rough patch, and would do whatever they could to help you.
I think you need to kick this freeloading bum out, and in the future, don’t expect too much from people you help, and help them with an end date (“I can let you stay here for one month, then you have to have your own place.”)
My advice was directed more toward this question than toward your current situation. One way to spot freeloaders is to see how they react to you setting some guidelines for their future behavior. It doesn’t even have to be in writing if you’re uncomfortable with that (although I would never let someone live in my home without a written agreement). Just laying out the expectations in advance can make sure that you and your prospective tenant are on the same page.
General advice…
Know them. Start small. If you pick up a check, do they reciprocate next time? If you invite them over to watch movies, do they show up with a case of soda? If they are out of work and you offer them $$$ to mow the lawn to help them out, do they do a good job, promptly? Do they haggle over the money. What has been their behavior to mutual friends in need… Are they walking the dog when a new baby arrives, bringing a dish when someone’s mother passes?
When you visit them, are their standards of tidy similar to yours, or are they waiting for mom to come over and clean the bathrooms?
And if you don’t have a track record of watching them over a period of time, you can’t trust them not to be a freeloader. If you did, and this is unusual, then it’s probably depression.
Dangerosa, this guy would have passed with flying colors, except for being messier than I would like, which he always blamed on roommates.
I’m sure he is probably depressed, but while that explains his actions, it doesn’t excuse them. Somehow I bring out the worst in people.
My acid test is to see if they’ll stand a round at the pub. If they won’t (yet accept beers from others) I don’t have any time for them at all. It’s a relatively cheap way to sort out the freeloaders from the stand-up guys.
I’d never let anyone stay at my house who I hadn’t known for a long time.
I’m a little late to the party here, but a quick comment on this. A work around, as it were.
We own a multi-unit building in a college town. Our place, one other full apartment and another finished room in the basement that, for some time, wasn’t in use. A buddy of mine was down on his luck and was in need of a place to stay for a while. I offered to let him stay for a while and help out with the property and chores while he got his shit back together.
In Madison, the tenants have a LOT of specific rights, and it would be very easy to get into a situation similar to what you’re afraid of. Still, I wanted to very specifically lay out the rules for my buddy, with chores and duties etc. He needed some structure and to feel useful, I wanted clarity.
He and I had a nice conversation, and in the course of it he & I wrote each point and expectation on a dry erase board. Every was laid out nice and neat, we were both involved and when we were done, I took a pic of the board with my phone and then wiped it clean. No paper trail, and I had the single copy of proof it had ever existed.
It worked great, we were both happy and able to help each other out without a bunch of bullshit crowding the picture.
Just an idea, thought you might find it useful. Cheers.
Well, with the new info you’ve provided, about where you are with all this, I say it’s time to act.
Sit him down, tell him it’s not working, (refuse to dissect or detail!), give him a deadline, maybe 15 or 30 days. Reinforce, throughout the month, you intend to stand by the deadline. Then do so.
Freeloading is a codependent relationship always. It only works if you’ve willing to play. Don’t. You are the homeowner, be prepared to box his goods and change the locks on the deadline. That’s how it’s done.
You cannot throw his things out, or put them on the curb. But you can box them up and put them in your basement till he arranges to come get them. Do it.
Don’t second guess your decision, you’re absolutely right, he should not need to be parented. There is no time like the present for him to learn this. Think of it as breaking up with a bad boyfriend.
I second everything elbows said and would add that you need to steel yourself against promises of change and guilt-tripping. It’s sad if he’s suffering from depression and that he apparently has nowhere else to go, but that isn’t going to change anytime soon if he is not working or seeking work or seeking treatment.
As much as you want to help, allowing him to wallow around your home indefinitely is not the way. He’ll either find a new benefactor or start taking care of himself. I know this from experience.