AnaMen, unless you are in the regular habit of letting people crash with you, I would not worry about this happening to you again. Personal, painful experience is a pretty good teacher, and I can’t imagine this is going to happen more than once. And yes, that IS from personal experience; it sounds so much like yours! I wouldn’t have believed people can be such users, useless losers, but yeah. Been there. Seen it.
You won’t let it happen again.
There is a lot of good advice here, but so far I am not having a problem getting him to leave. He doesn’t even have that much stuff, and would probably just ditch most of it and leave with little fuss if I kicked him out. I will discuss his shortcomings with him and/or kick him out when I am not so angry.
I can see that what has gone wrong with this situation is that he is someone unbothered by taking advantage of people. What I can’t see is any evidence that I should have expected him to turn out to be like this. He would definitely have sprung for rounds at the bar and did reciprocate and even initiate acts of generosity. It turns out that he has told a lot of lies about himself, but I didn’t know that or see any real motive at the time for him to do so. I don’t think an “agreement,” written or otherwise would have helped here, because the problem is that he is acting like a jerk, not that he isn’t paying his share of utilities or cutting the grass on schedule or whatnot.
My goal is to prevent similar situations in the future, as this is in no way an isolated incident. I either need to weed jerks out earlier or figure out what is making non-jerks become jerks in my presence.
Then what’s holding you back from doing so? Exactly? Because chances are, it’s somehow related to why this keeps happening to you.
It has been a gradual transition, and has only been 3 or 4 days since I stopped thinking of him as a friend who needed help, but ought to be pulling his weight, to being completely fed up with him. Coming to the conclusion that there is nothing for it and he must leave eliminates any chance of a positive outcome, not to mention the fact that he has nowhere else to go. Making someone homeless is not something I take lightly.
I think it is a common thing that happens that you don’t really know people until you live with them. It’s a perennial complaint that friends start living together and hate each other within months, so I don’t think you need to worry that you’re some kind of deadbeat magnet.
One thing that I will say is that while it’s good that you don’t want to make someone homeless without a second thought, his life isn’t your responsibility; it’s his.
I am sure he’ll leave once he realizes the free ride really is over. And, like so many of his kind, he’ll find someone else to sponge off, no worries. He probably already is figuring out his options, and will have a sob story about how he ‘got kicked out and now I’m homeless, waaaah’ for the next sucker.
Here’s the thing, though: the ones that fool you that badly, well, there’s nothing you could have done. And there won’t be anything you can do in the future. The only other option is to become the kind of person who trusts nobody, and that’s too big a penalty to pay for someone else’s assholery. Just my opinion.
Your first step in spotting a freeloader is in seeing somebody without a home. That is where it starts. Did he ask you, or did you volunteer your home. If you volunteered it, the exact point before you did so was where you had your chance to spot a freeloader. He was homeless, and he was hinting. If he asked, there was your chance to spot a freeloader.
Now, I know that people have hard times, and disasters, but something tells me that the economy didn’t drive this character to homelessness.
So, how to spot a freeloader:
Also, your thinking that you would be ‘making him homeless’ is a bit skewed. He was homeless, and you gave him a reprieve, and he did nothing with it. He is in a fix, which is sad, but, unless you adjust your thinking, nothing will change. Why should he listen to what you tell him? You are signalling him that you are a chump if you don’t let him know that the door/street are soon approaching him. You are being held hostage by your own thoughts, and resentfully supplying room and board for someone whom you don’t even consider a friend??? Sounds like he’s pulling the chain that you gave him.
I went through a similar situation recently with a family member. She didn’t move in (but lots of her stuff did when she lost her house). But her unemployment stretched on and on and devolved into me helping so much that the whole dynamic of our relationship became skewed, feelings were bent and hurt on both sides, more and more personal debt accumulated, etc. She did desperate things to get ahead such as throwing the last of her cash in on “a sure thing” stock market deal that, of course, ripped her off.
The thing I missed most was my ‘fun sister’ who could do things with me. She became so poor that she couldn’t even afford to do free stuff because she couldn’t spare the gas or tire wear to get to the place. If I picked her up, she didn’t have fun either because she just couldn’t leave her overwhelming worries on hold for any length of time. Everything suffered- from her clothes to her attitude to her personal space. Her circle of interests and friends became smaller and smaller. Who knows how many opportunities she lost because she couldn’t socialize. She was just totally overwhelmed and felt bad all the time while her world became smaller and smaller. It was awful.
One thing I became extremely frustrated about was her inability to help herself. Looking back, I think she was really, seriously depressed. But, there were not doctor visits- no money, no transportation, no energy. There were times when we talked and when would tell me she was having difficulty planning ahead and deciding what to do about things both big and small. At those times, I tried to offer small but achievable suggestions. Sometimes she would try to meet them.
So maybe you could find ways to help your friend.
Do you know anyone who has a job, no matter how small, he could do? If there are no jobs, could he volunteer anywhere to make connections with others in his area(s) of interest? Could you pay him to do something at your place, then encourage him to get him out with some of his old friends to reconnect?
(For those who remember my threads about my sis and her stock market stuff- the follow up is that she got a good job and is doing well. She is slowly paying off debts, enjoying work, and rebuilding her life. I’m happy for her and proud of her.)
Hmmm…let’s see…every time you do something, the result is negative. What can you do to avoid it…what can you do…what CAN you do…hmmmm…
How to spot a freeloader 101
they don’t want to work. If they do? It’s very few hours a week and they always have a lame excuse as to why they can’t get a job or don’t have a job. Or they simply admit they don’t want a job.
They’re often asking you to do something for them that they should be perfectly capable of doing for themselves. When confronted over this? They usually seem to have an uncanny knack for changing the subject, convincing you otherwise or attempting to make you feel guilty.
They want everything you have but they don’t want to earn it like you had to earn it! They expect to use what’s yours as if it is theirs! and they may even steal what’s yours claiming it’s is theirs!
They want to be taken care of with minimal effort on their part. In their mind you should do everything for them that they don’t feel like doing themselves. they suffer from an exaggerated sense of self worth on the surface but underneath we all know they’re just a lazy, manipulative and egotistical asshole.
They study you in order to figure out whether your good prey or not. Freeloaders know who they can use and who they can’t use. Or they learn this very quickly! After all they are a parasite and parasites need to be on their game in order to survive.
They use multiple methods of getting you to love, worship, fear or follow them. They may even pretend to follow you in order to boost your ego. Tricks used all in the name of getting exactly what they want for minimal effort or investment.
They offer very little to anyone yet often act as if they are carrying the entire world on their shoulders. Once you figure one out? They are quite comical and sad really.
They don’t truly care about you, they don’t truly care about anyone other than themselves and even that is questionable.
They rarely pay back a debt unless pestered. They act as if you owe them something and they think this is perfectly “normal” behavior.
They are nothing more than an immature child in adults clothing.
Here’s a quote that I had taped to my mirror for a time, so I would see it everyday.
It helped me, maybe it will help you!
“You cannot help someone by doing for them what they should, or could, do for themselves.”
Yeah, I know. It seems so obvious, doesn’t it? Put it somewhere you’ll see it everyday.
Eventually it will sink in!
Those are all ways to avoid being taken advantage of, but a lot of them also involve just not helping people who need help. When I said that a negative result occurred “invariably,” I guess I was focusing on the times when that was true because I was angry about the current situation. The times when it wasn’t are some of my fondest memories, right up there with the times someone took a chance and helped me.
Handsomeharry, I volunteered my home, and I was happy to do so. There was no hinting or whining, no sob story, this was not a new acquaintance, and even now, I don’t think my roommate was in search of easy prey to take advantage of. It’s more that he takes the situation for granted at this point and fails to do things like clean the bathroom or do his share of meal preparation or cleanup. It’s not that he doesn’t do anything at all or that I resent him being here, but I do resent being put in a position to “remind” an adult to pull his own weight in ways that he easily could. He also tells self-aggrandizing lies, which I find very annoying, or maybe it’s restraining myself from pointing them out that has started to wear on me.
A person who would avoid helping someone BECAUSE the help-needer lacks a support system sounds exactly like the kind of person I cannot distance myself from fast enough. Some people are alone in the world. Assuming this is their own doing and that they are thus unworthy of help is an easy way to justify not getting involved, but I actually LIKE helping people and am not looking for excuses not to. If your way makes you happy, carry on, I suppose, but a world where everyone behaved in this manner would not be a place I want to live.
It’s easy to spot a freeloader. They ask for a place to live without paying rent.
That is a very narrow definition of “freeloader,” TriPolar. The kind of freeloader I am talking about need not occupy your home and need not have asked for what they take, not to mention the fact that “paying” in actual cash money is not the only way to balance things out. Imho, a freeloader does not reciprocate and is content to receive.
It’s actually my definition of freeloader, too, Anamen. I’m have compassion and kindness but I’m not really a very giving person, and living in my house rent-free, is pretty much way past the point I’d put up with.
I was actually trying to indicate an expanded definition, like to include people who “over-take” stuff in general, not just living in a home rent-free. Or is the accepted meaning of the term that it has to relate to occupancy?
Right now I am happy, because my roommate is outside doing concrete repairs even as I type this --concrete repairs that I would have had to pay someone else to do.
Oh. No. Freeloader generally means people who take things without paying for them. I just meant in this case.
I can relate a lot to your thinking here, and in terms of the larger existential question of compassion, I’ve been there too. I’ve learned that some people will take advantage of your kindness and offer nothing in return - or worse, will use it to hurt you. So we have a choice. We can either wear our hearts on our sleeves and accept that we’re occasionally going to get burned, or we can close ourselves off to everyone. I consciously choose to wear my heart on my sleeve anyway. I wanna take care of my fellow man, and if it takes a few painful shocks to do it, well, that’s a consequence I’m willing to accept.
I still have no idea how to spot a freeloader, but I have learned how to implement damage control when it does happen, to set boundaries with such people and make healthy choices for myself. You’re obviously miserable with this guy here. It’s time to send him packing. You will feel guilty. Accept your guilt as a natural response of a caring human being and get rid of him anyway. But NEVER give up on humanity.
There is a reason that many companies have trial periods, we often really can’t tell. Same thing with marriages and relationships.
I think that’s great that you were willing to help him but it does seem that you’re help isn’t working anymore. I spent too long trying to help my younger brother when he wouldn’t help himself. It’s tough to see someone do so poorly, but unfortunately you can’t solve all the their problems.
Like Olives says, worry less about trying to spot someone who won’t be helped and worry more about setting boundaries. If you think about offering a room again, don’t make it open ended or unconditional.
Yes, I have also accepted that consequence, and I think it’s the right choice for me.
As far as my current roomie goes though, things are looking up. Today he did dishes AND manual outdoor labor. I no longer despise him.
You’re wrong about one thing though – I would definitely feel absolutely zero guilt to boot him out, even with no notice. I would feel sorry for him perhaps, but not guilty.