I fear I am not naturally monogamous. This point was driven home last night when I attended a wake for a co-worker’s mother (my association of sex with death is worthy of its own thread if not a year of therapy). A woman I had worked with was there. Other guys had always found her physically attractive but I hadn’t and it was only after I had gotten to know her and was charmed by her intelligence, wit, and sensitivity did I realize this was someone I’d have to be careful around lest I fall for her hard. (Hey! Was that an admission I’m not really as shallow and superficial as I act?) I was relieved when she left the company, though I’d’ve preferred they had laid off her boss instead from a purely professional standpoint (I may think with my gonads sometimes but you really need a good PC support person). Running into her last night reminded me of all of this so when the gang started talking about dinner I left. No point in placing myself in temptation’s way, especially unrequited temptation.
I joke about my devestating attractiveness but in reality I’m on the high end of OpalCat’s “morbidly obese” scale. This has proven a useful tool to keep me faithful at the expense of my health and, to be honest, certain aspects of my marriage that had started to be phased out years before anyway. Where the “Eeeww! He’s gross!” actuality ends and the assumption that it will be the reaction starts is moot as the result is the same. It also has served as an excuse in another way: a woman may very well not consider me because I’m married but I can still blame being fat. It’s simpler that way and lets me avoid the whole morality question.
I’d like to be thinner but I have built this entire reality around being fat and unattractive. (And, of course, I can’t forget about how I like to eat and have an association of dieting with self-punishment.) But having this buffer, both real and imagined, between me and the rest of the world is oddly comfortable and is a slightly more socially acceptable outlet for my difficulty dealing with temptation–little kids might laugh at me but I’m not following something cute and furry down the nearest rabbit hole, either.
I don’t know how I developed this ability but about 7 years ago I was a manager for a large theatre chain and I worked in one of it largest locations. Now managers were not supposed to date the staff from their own locations but most of the managers did so anyway. Now being a movie theatre manager really can crimp your dating because of the hours so dating a staff person makes it easy. But even though there were plenty of attractive women, and even though some of those were actaully intelligent and fun, I never dated them.
I was told it was wrong. I believed that it was wrong. So I decided to not do that.
Same now with being married. I just wouldn’t do it. If the serious oppurtunity presented itself I wouldn’t do it.
Being in any kind of relationship doesn’t automatically mean that you stop fancying other people.
In the last 3 months i’ve had two “temptation” moments. Both with girls who would normally, quite frankly, be well out of my league (i can’t quite work out why i’m suddenly more attractive now than i was when i was single :rolleyes: ).
Normally i’d have killed to get inside their knickers but i’m dating at the moment so its not going to happen - full stop.
Its not a question of morals or desires to me, its just something I couldn’t do - largely because i’ve had it done to me and i know exactly how sh*tty it is for the partner who ends up the victim.
I don’t get how anyone could ever do it and justify it to themselves.
dropzone, rather than focusing so much on how not to be unfaithful, have you tried putting some of that energy borne of frustration into rekindling a romantic spirit with the missus?
It’s human to be tempted, and my husband and I both knew going into it that marriage does not make one’s hormonal response simply vanish. Even if the attraction you feel is more than just a passing fancy, you can use that spark to your own purpose in your marriage.
It also sounds as though you’re going through a rough spot with your own self image, which is perfectly normal and sane, but you shouldn’t feel the need to put the blame on your weight, because there is no blame to be placed. There would only be blame if you acted on these impulses.
I think that your attraction to your co-worker should serve as a reaffirmation of your romantic self, just a reminder that you’ve still got that in you, even if the object is a little misguided. Use that momentum to turn the focus back to your wife. She may not know what has gotten into you, but I’m sure she’ll appreciate it
I always tell my husband, “I don’t care where you work up your appetite, as long as you eat at home!”
Yeah of course you will be attracted to others your whole life. My dad is in his 70s. He is still atracted to pretty women and tells me so and tells my mother too. BUt to my knowledge he has been faithfuol throughout their 53 years of marriage.
It’s difficult but it is a boundary issue. Don’t cross that first boundary because once you cross the first one, it is easier to cross the next and the next and the next. So the easiest way to avoid the temptation is not to start it. Stop with…she looks great and is charming…before you get to be smitten and infatuated. Don’t ever touch, don’t invade personal space, don’t touch…once you do it will go further.And once it happens once, it will happen again.
Yes, I have been Mr Romantic lately. That’s never really been the problem as much as the thoughts and temptations. Being raised old-school Catholic, where entertaining the thought was nearly as big a sin as actually doing it, hasn’t helped. I mean, you know what a stuffy, moralistic, fuddy duddy I can be. (BTW, I’ve been making a real effort about tattoos. I’m ALMOST to the “Aw, isn’t that cute?” point. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.”)
dropzone…reading your post…i realized you are the male me…or am i the female you? anyways you get the point. I could of wrote your post…
OK…here is my opinion… going on the admission that self denial is not our strong point…well, we are human…humans are animals…we naturally are predators and have animalistic “urges”…but, being human we have been taught that not all them urges are “right” and supposedly we can control them. Well, take a look at the cheating statistics… i think it proves different…we are unable to control them. Sooooo…in my line of thinking…*giggln it’s not our fault we feel the way we do!! so go for it~~ and feel NO guilt…enjoy yourself…we just cannot help it!! … evil grin
Infidelity in marriage is like strangling kittens. You just don’t do it. That’s my take on it. Some absolutes actually make life easier. Don’t have to think about them.
XJETGIRLX is right - use it as confirmation that you can still be a randy bugger and focus that energy internally on your marriage. Better to try and repair/improve your marriage than ignore it and paper over any cracks by looking elsewhere.
There is nothing wrong with thinking “phwoar she’s a bit of alright - i’d do 'er!” as long as you don’t… um… “do 'er”
Just don’t become so obsessed with the ogling and the fantasising that you neglect your real love life.
I need a shortcut key for “XJETGIRLX* is right” since its all i ever seem to bloody say when i bump into her in a thread.
phwoar she’s a bit of alright - i’d do 'er!*
**see - i said it, and i’m very happy in my relationship.
