I hope the following makes sense:
Group A: The temptation is there, but I resist that temptation out of love and respect for my SO. And/or, I don’t want to risk losing what I have with my SO.
Group B: Look, I can appreciate the physical attractiveness of others besides my SO. But the fact is, the only one capable of evoking a sexual desire in me is my SO. Temptation was never a part of the equation. I’m simply not wired that way.
Also, a follow up question to the OP:
Is group A (assuming they remain faithful) more commendable than Group B?
No female responses yet, so I can only conclude they’re all cheaters.
I’m not sure if commendable is quite the right word, but forgoing something that doesn’t interest you doesn’t seem particularly hard to do.
I’m between relationships now but when I am it’s group A. I’m loyal not dead.
Men are not wired to be monogamous. Our DNA likes the T’n’A. I predict a landslide victory for Group A.
I said B, but I interpreted it as finding women attractive and feeling some degree of arousal, but not to thee extent I have to restrain myself.
Wow. Are there men out there who actually feel this way?
I think that’s a fair interpretation. I liken it to the Kinsey Scale. If you’re only pinging 1 or 2 on the dial, I’d say you’re solidly in the B camp.
I think you missed Group C - “Nobody else will do me”.
OK, that was kind of a smart-ass response. I voted “other”, and here’s why: I’m not a guy who would get approached by most women in my day to day life. If I were out looking for sex outside my marriage, I could probably hook something up, but it just wouldn’t be worth the pain it would cause for both my wife and me. So I don’t.
Now mind you, if some hot little thing came up to me out of the blue, grabbed me and stuck her tongue in my ear and whispered “Take me now”… But like I said, that’s just not something that happens in my reality.
Group L — “The temptation is there, and I assume the temptation is there for each of my partners; and each of us avail ourselves of the opportunity for outside nookie from time to time and in some cases also start up new ongoing relationships. But for myself I do not realistically have time for yet another ongoing relationship, and therefore for that part of the temptation I don’t tend to follow through and get us all disappointed and frustrated. Common sense asserts itself.”
Guy here. I think Group A and B are both a little extreme for my real position, but B is closest.
The bottom line is that I never thought casual sex was worth the effort. People are such a pain in the ass to deal with. Even when I was single, I tended to view the whole dating thing as being so much work for an uncertain payoff, having to figure out what she likes and dislikes, with a girl who might turn out to be a total nutcase like the one in the Alanis Morrisette song. Too. Much. Work.
I even feel that way about threesomes… for most guys it’s their ultimate fantasy, right? Yeah, I can imagine some hypothetical that seems fun in theory, but if I start thinking about making it a reality? Totally not worth the effort. My wife could show up with a girl in tow and I’d be like “Well, OK, I guess, if you want. We could have just tried out [new kinky sex position] though.”
It’s not a lack of sex drive or interest. I’m all about [new kinky sex position]! I’d rather know one person thoroughly than a hundred people at a surface level and that’s just as true for an evening with friends as for a sexual relationships.
As for whether A or B is a better person: the end result is what matters and it’s about overall quality of relationship and not just lack of cheating. If you’re miserably cohabitating, it’s not much consolation to say “At least I didn’t cheat!” I’m not sure whether A or B is any better at making their relationship successful overall.
And group D, mutually agreed upon non-monogamy.
And the largely silent but very large groups E and F.
E - I cheat anyway but feel guilty about it.
F - I cheat whenever I want and couldn’t care less.
In my experience, those groups are a whole lot larger than most people choose to acknowledge.
Group A, and boy do I have a story to back that up.
One of my best friends is a married man who lives in another state. I’ve always been attracted to him but it’s always been in the ‘‘oh, that’s my alternate universe husband’’ sort of way - he had this wonderful relationship like I did, and it was just sort of a distant thing that was never really an issue. He’s always reciprocated the feelings but it’s not something we emphasized or discussed overtly because we were both happily married. I talk to him via IM pretty much daily.
Fast forward this summer, my best friend’s marriage of nearly ten years is suddenly over because his wife just realized she was gay. They have a 3 year old and a newborn he takes care of full time so he is more than a little bowled over. Then I had a bunch of seizures and ended up house-bound, incapacitated and severely depressed, and then I had to end my relationship with my mother, it was just an insane litany of one thing after another. So both of us were going through some heavy shit at the same time, and Sr. Weasel was just too damned busy trying to keep a roof over our head while I was incapacitated to be any kind of consistent emotional support. He wasn’t even available on weekends.
Worst time ever to realize you’re in love with someone else. I’m gonna be honest, when I realized how I felt, I damned near killed myself on the spot. It’s not something I could ever keep from my husband but I was so terrified of his rejection because we were just getting over the only truly bad period in our entire marriage, and now we’d just gotten our relationship together when all this shit goes down.
I’ve had minor attractions over the years, but this was not like anything we’d ever faced before, and I had no idea what to do. It’s not like me and this guy did anything intentional or secretive, we just became really emotionally dependent on one another really fast. My husband is not dumb and I don’t keep things from him, ever, but the thought that he would feel betrayed or hurt was just intolerable to me.
So, I told my friend I was in love with him, not to act on it but to figure out how the fuck to handle it. We both knew cheating was never a possibility. He talked me down from the ledge, honestly I think it’s the closest I’ve come to killing myself in ten years. My best friend already knew my feelings for him, obviously. And underscoring my justification for loving him, he continued to do what he has always done, which is help me strengthen my relationship with my husband. A huge part of my angst was wanting to be connecting with my husband instead of my friend and he grasped that really well. He helped me put together a plan for reconnecting with my husband. (I have excellent taste in men.)
That night, I broke down and told my husband. I could barely get it out through the sobs. But I opened with, ‘‘I need you to understand, I want YOU. This is about how much I need YOU.’’
Was he mad? Not even a little. Jealous? Nope.
In a nutshell, “I suspected you might have feelings for him, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, neither of you did anything wrong, I accept you and love you no matter what.”
Yes, he’s stupid amazing. I know. Every time I think it’s not possible to love that man any more, he undoes me. (Have I mentioned I have excellent taste in men?)
And that’s when I realized I had just been using this as another bludgeoning rod against myself. Not only that, but I realized my feelings for my best friend were also a sort of projection of frustration that I couldn’t help him save his marriage the way he helped save mine during that long, hard period we had. Being gay is pretty fucking irreconcilable on the differences scale, and he was so afraid and lonely, and I was agonized I couldn’t do anything about it.
Once I let go of the guilt for feelings beyond my control, and everything was out in the open between the four of us (me, my best friend, my husband and my best friend’s wife), it was no longer a big deal. I still chat with my friend every day but I’ve started to branch out more socially and I don’t feel the intensity of romantic feelings like I did before, I just love him as a friend. He’s accepted the end of his marriage and started dating other people (as has his wife.) And things are better than ever between my husband and me.
And people act like I’m crazy for embracing radical honesty. How could I be any other way? I am rewarded for it every damned time. I don’t regret anything that happened. It taught me more about what real love is (putting someone else’s needs first, as my friend so consistently did for me and as I struggle to do for my husband as he does for me.) We are, all of us, stronger for it.
I don’t know if there’s a moral there or I just wanted to get it off my chest. Or maybe it can help someone going through something similar, I dunno. Love wins. That’s the moral. Love wins.
Wow Spice Weasel! What an amazing and inspirational story!
I recently read an article (can’t remember where or I’d provide a link), the author stated, one of the best ways to ensure loyalty in a relationship, is to always be upfront and to NEVER have subjects that are forbidden to talk about. The author went on to say: “If you have a crush on so-n-so at work, you should absolutely tell your SO!” The author had very sound reasons as to why you should do this, but at the time, I couldn’t help thinking “You be crazy!”
Now after reading your post, I’m thinking, that author may be on to something. Thank you for sharing that SW!
pursuant to later posts, there are those of us in group G: “Nobody will do me.”
Neither are women. Whom do you think the cheating men are cheating with? The only difference is our culture encourages men to brag about it and women to hide it.
Plus, there are some studies of DNA tests that find an astonishingly high rate of children weren’t fathered by the happy so-called daddy. Let’s not tell him.
I went for “other”.
I’m single (ladies), so I could have gone for “other” on that basis, but when I am seeing someone the answer is still “other”.
I’m not motivated by sex. If available, I enjoy it. But I don’t find that there’s some irresistible urge to jump someone’s bones. I’d be just as happy dating someone asexual as someone with a strong sex drive.
So, overall, I wouldn’t cheat because I simply can’t be bothered to. It’s too much bother to find another person just so I can orgasm (and demeaning if that’s literally the only reason I’m doing it). The internet can do the same thing, without me having to leave the comfort of home, and I’m pretty sure that my hand won’t feel lesser in the morning.
Really, the only reason I’d have sex with someone other than my SO, is if my SO was into swinging or something like that. In which case, hey let’s do that. But if not, then great, let’s stay home.
I’m very easy going as it concerns sex.
I guess I will claim Group H (?) then to describe the sort of “non-cheater” I was, back when I was married: the one person I would have cheated with did not reciprocate.