Male and more Group B. Don’t know why but its just how I have always been. As for the follow-up question I don’t think either group is superior to the other. More just people being different from each other.
FWIW, my husband is Group B. After I confessed my feelings about my friend, we had a long conversation about his own temptations throughout the course of our relationship, and he didn’t really have any. A few people he thought were pretty but nobody he ever felt compatible enough with to feel serious about.
We’re not very jealous people. Because of his field (psychology), most of his friends are women. Some of these women he’d slept at their houses before while travelling. I never gave it a second thought until we had this conversation, but even knowing he found some of them attractive I don’t feel threatened.
I’ve noticed a lot of people on this board seem to have a ‘‘well, everybody’s doing it’’ mentality toward cheating, and… FWIW, not really, no. With one exception ten years ago, my friends don’t cheat on each other, I certainly don’t cheat, and I’m not really interested in being friends with habitual cheaters, either. Not saying I don’t have empathy/compassion for all involved parties when it does happen, and I do understand how it can happen, but it’s still a pretty big violation of trust, and ‘‘everyone’s doing it’’ is a laaaaaaame excuse for doing, or defending, such a shitty thing.
Spice Weasel, I was never jealous either, and over time I realized that all that energy going into protecting sexual exclusivity just didn’t make sense for me. Didn’t start out actively polyamorous so much as I had partners at various points in my life who had other boyfriends and it was OK with me; although in principle I always said I retained that option for myself. Then I got involved with someone who had an active relationship already with another guy and also other time commitments and I was getting too clingy and it was obviously cramping her style and I realized “Yeesh, if I value this relationship, I need to get some other girlfriends or I’m going to drown it in my overdependency”.
Anyway, I can relate to your story.
Thanks. I was just telling my husband today how much I enjoy your posts.
I left out a bit of the story, which is that the first person I went to was a different friend, one who is in an open, polyamorous kink relationship and would be less likely to judge me for whatever I happened to be feeling. And his general view was ‘‘honesty is the key.’’
The sad thing is his wife just told him she wants a divorce. So I guess it’s not the only key.
I don’t know if polyamory is a thing that would ever work for me, but I’ve become more open-minded to it as I get older and change (and have really started to get hard-core honest about my own sexuality, which is not vanilla.) I’ll admit to some curiosity, and I’m certainly attracted to the emphasis on honesty and communication, but the two of us really are monogamous by nature. We may not be jealous but somehow we belong to each other. The lack of jealousy is really because of the level of trust between us.
I’ve always talked pretty openly about sex with my friends, including my best friend, and it was that relationship that led me to better acceptance of my own sexual identity, and he is the one who encouraged me to be honest with my husband about it. So I feel like we are authentic and grounded where we are, as a monogamous couple. But I am very much a ‘‘whatever works’’ person when it comes to relationships as long as all the people involved are on the same page. I’d never say never about anything safe, sane and consensual.
Female, Group Z: I have eyes but even if someone looks good enough to dunk in chocolate and then slowly lick it off, I’ve got close to zero interest in one-night-stands while single, none while in a relationship, and close to minus infinity in triangles and other polygons.
Only because someone looks good doesn’t mean I’m really interested in doing them. It’s like the difference between “hunger” and “wanting to eat”.
ETA: oh, and the polygonal situations are cheating only if any of the parties isn’t aware of the existence of multiple sides. Accepted multiple partnerships are not cheating, because no rules are being broken.
Man, group A. I said ‘forsaking all others’, and I meant it.
There are also some studies which find out that those first ones are nowhere near as universal as the cheaters would like to believe. Results vary a lot by culture.
Another vote for “cheating sounds too much like work”.
Idle daydreams are one thing, actually finding the time and energy to act upon them are quite another. We’ve invested enough in our marriage to make it work very well for both of us; I do not seem to experience “temptation” in that direction.
Group B. I look and fantasize, but I have no interest in sex with anyone other than my wife.
I only do open poly relationships now, so I really hit the N/A category - dating or sleeping with someone else doesn’t actually constitute cheating. Back when I did mono relationships, I didn’t cheat because I agreed not to. I’m not sure that I’d class it as strictly ‘A’, because my thought process was based on ‘I agreed to this, so I’ll stick to it or break up’ than anything directly related to my partner. Someone strictly in the ‘A’ category could feel like cheating is OK if they no longer love and/or respect their partner, but I would either break up or work on the relationship in that case.
Male, group A.
Not having access to the key for this damned chastity cage makes it easy to remain true.
Other. I’ve been faithful in my succeeding relationships neither because I wasn’t tempted nor because of my admirable loyalty but because lying or admiting to having an affair are both too much of a pain.
Honestly, I’m not monogamous at heart, and wouldn’t have thought I would have reached 51 without cheating on someone. I still think I can’t be relied upon for being faithful, but I’m pretty sure I would spill the beans very quickly or probably even immediately. Maintaining a lie is too much work, and on top of it, I dislike the idea of lying to my SO much more than the idea of cheating on her.
I’m not really qualified to answer this, I am perpetually alone, but what the hey.
One relationship at a time. If I am ever in a position where I would rather be with somebody else, then I have to end the current one first.
Seems a simple rule, but maybe too simple? I confess ignorance.
I’ve been in both groups, with different partners. Currently so far in the group B.
Woman here.
My first marriage of 20 years I had cheated quite a few times. After my divorce and entering new relationships I never had much desire to cheat. The dynamics of a relationship can play a huge part in this.
Woman, Group A.
Casual sex is awesome and one-night stands are fine, but I don’t knowingly enter into nonmonogamous romantic relationships: when we start having sex with each other, we stop having sex with anyone else. That doesn’t mean I stop wanting to have sex with anyone else, it just means (a) I’ve learned over the years that mutual monogamy works best for me, and (b) I respect my boyfriends (who, presumably, share my preference).
It always confuses me when people seem to believe that men are all out having tons of causal sex while women are staying home waiting for Mr. Right. For every man having casual sex with a woman there’s a woman having casual sex with a man. The math has to add up.
Depends what you mean by ‘add up’. It’s mathematically possible for, say, 30%of all men to be having casual sex with only 10% of all women.
If these are my only 2 options … Man, Group A
Are there temptations? Sure… but they are not serious or difficult to ignore. I don’t wander through life trying to keep my dick in my pants because I don’t want to lose my wife. etc…
I don’t cheat because I have no reason to. There is more to a relationship than physical attraction.