A rather sickening look into the life of an adulterer. Perhaps you can use it to remind yourself of just how despicable you could be if you tried…
dropzone , I feel your pain. I know for a FACT that human beings are not by nature monogamous (stop screaming “cite,” you know where to find the info if you really want to), and yet it is the one unbendable, unbreakable rule my husband has set. As I want to continue to be married to him, I had to come up with something to quell my… automatic response system, let’s call it. 
The one time I felt TRULY tempted, I imagined my husband doing all the wonderful things he does to me…to someone else. And not just a quick flash, the whole nine yards. Almost physically painful. I’ve not been tempted since.
To be honest, I find it pretty easy to be faithful (coming up on five years of marriage) because I’m so amused by the temptation. Up until I met the woman I would marry, it was hard frickin’ work getting females to take me seriously. Now that I have a ring on my hand, I have to beat 'em off with a stick. A vibrating stick. Uh, forget I said that.
So in my case at least, the reversal of fortune is a source of cynical humor. I don’t know the cause, either; I assume that some women only notice my worth after somebody else’s choice has validated it (the “she must see something” effect), some women just self-destructively covet what they cannot have, and some women cattishly want to steal what another has claimed.
In any case, the radical upswing in flirtation that occurred when I was taken off the market just makes me laugh. It’s so pathetic, I’d never lower myself to acting on it.
Plus the fact that my wife is an amazing woman. That certainly don’t hurt none.
You are so right, Cervaise! My attractiveness went up astronomically the moment it became illegal, immoral, and ill-advised on SO MANY levels for me to react. I saw it as pathetically funny, too.
Someone who you’re not with will often look more attractive coz you don’t have to see him/her at his/her worst eg. sick, first thing in the morning etc.
What is it with humans though? I swear we’re specially designed to always want what we haven’t got (the grass looks greener over * there * until you get there).
It’s easy for me. Sex for the sake of sex is little more than masturbation with a partner. Emotional involvement is what makes it so special. If I betrayed that emotional involvement that I have with my wife, I’ve given it away for something worth far less.
It’s a dumb question, for me. Would I rather have a million dollars or a quarter?
What kind of person would I be to screw over my wife and child forever for some instant gratification? For a few minutes of cheap pleasure?
Would I destroy my wife and family for a piece of chocolate? Why would I do it for sex?
Dropzone. I know this thread really didn’t have to be rekindled. But there is a word for whats going on. It’s called a Mid-life-crisis. Good luck sir. May your temptation remain a fantasy.
And once again, I agree with Maureen, like usual.
Easily. Staying faithful was never a problem for me. I lack the capacity to give my heart to more than one man at a time. This means that the only time I even LOOK at guys is when I don’t have a man in my life at all. When I DO get involved with someone, he’s “it” and gets ALL of my “attention” for so long as we’re together. So when I have a boyfriend (and when I was married, obviously) I just “stop noticing” men at work or other places where, if I was unattached, I would definitely notice them.
Am I weird? I mean plenty of you married and otherwise involved people here are saying that you look but don’t touch, that you think it’s OK if your partners do the same – to quote what XJETGIRLX says to her husband, “I don’t care where you work up your appetite as long as you eat at home.” But when I’m with someone, I just stop noticing other men; MY man is the one who generates my appetite and I’m more than happy to “eat at home.” heh heh heh.
My no-cheating mentality also goes the other way: I won’t be a party to someone else’s cheating either. When I’m unattached, if I find out that a man I find attractive, intelligent and might otherwise want to be with is either married or involved with someone, I stay the hell away from him “that way.” This was always the case, because once upon a time, I thought about how I might feel if I had a lover or husband who cheated on me. I concluded that I’d feel horrible (and I later got to learn firsthand that it was WORSE than horrible – I was shell-shocked-to-the-core devastated). This is why I’m divorced and it took me almost four years to be ready for another relationship – the man I’m with now (six months so far) is the only one I’ve been with since my ex-husband moved in with his mistress.
(Trust issues? What are THOSE?)
Anyway…sorry for rambling (obviously this is an “issue” for me), but keep in mind, dropzone, if you need “motivation” for fidelity, consider how your wife would feel if you were to give in to temptation, and ask yourself this question: how would YOU feel if your wife cheated on you?
I find that masturbating to hot porn scratches that “I really need to fuck somebody else” itch without all the attendant muss and fuss connected to infidelity. My partner and I talk about hot guys we see and both acknowledge that the world is filled with attractive, fuckable guys. We could screw arouind–it’s very easy for gay guys–but we choose not to because have chosen monogamy.
Just because I haven’t said it in about 6 months. . .
OpalCat you are simply the coolest poster on the damn board. You really are living the life aren’t you?
Yersinia, I don’t think you’re weird, just different. We all function in strange ways when it comes to love and sex, and believe it or not, I used to be the same as you - never noticed anyone else, my world revolved around my SO. For me, at least though, that’s when I was functioning from an unhealthy (for me) perspective. I was so wrapped up in my (former) SO, and my entire understanding and perception of my own sexuality revolved around him. Then I was cheated on, and it completely shattered my sense of my sexual self as well as my sense of trust.
It’s taken me a long time to get back to where I can see my self as a healthy, sexual individual, but I’m glad I’ve gotten here. And it’s mostly my husband who has helped to guide me. I know that my situation isn’t par for the course, but by realizing that we each have sexual needs and that arousal is a healthy normal thing, it makes the choice of monogamy that much more special, because it is a constant reminder that we are special in each other’s eyes.
Thanks for your comments. Note especially that your reaction to being cheated on was exactly the same as mine. In fact, I was totally convinced that I sexually unattractive (and that my love life was over for good, although I still noticed men who were smart or goodlooking). I was so damaged that when the man my best friend fixed me up with six months ago, saying “you two would be perfect for each other,” it was almost as shell-shocking to me (in the other direction of course) as my ex-husband’s cheating/leaving me for the other woman was, when he turned out to be as hot for me as I was for him.
On the whole, though, while I do “stop noticing” men other than my SO when I have one, I don’t give up the rest of my life to the point of focusing on him and him only. Meaning, I never stopped pursuing my goals or hobbies or gave up friends because of the man in my life – and one time I broke off a relationship because I needed to move to another state in order to better chase a dream; and he wouldn’t come with me. It’s just that the entirety of my romantic/sexual energy goes to my man, that’s all. Does that make more sense, i.e., am I “healthier?”
Yersinia, I’m totally like that too. At least, I was up until a little while ago. I’ve been with my SO for three years, and only in the past year or so have I ever even been able to think of anyone else romantically or sexually.
But now I find myself completely un-tempted in a different way. I get the impression that a lot of people here wouldn’t cheat because of the possible consequences, which is a good reason and true in my case as well, but even if there were no possible consequences, I find myself… just not wanting to. While I may think “If I lived a different life, that would be fun”, I also know that I like my life, and I like my boyfriend, and I really just wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, both because I would be unhappy about cheating and because even a fantasy about really being with someone other than my SO is distasteful to me, and just not something that I would enjoy.
I have absolutely no self-discipline as well, so I am glad that I’m naturally monogamous (whether or not Maureen thinks that’s possible).