Much depends on how you define “Friends.” I’m about your age; I have many acquaintances, but can probably count my true friends on one hand. These are relationships that developed organically and have strengthened over the course of years. So I don’t have a lot of advice to offer in regard to making friends.
But if you’re looking for people you might enjoy hanging out with and having some interesting conversations, that’s a bit easier. Become a regular customer someplace. A bar is an obvious choice, but it could also be a coffee shop, or a diner, or a bookstore. There will be other regulars there, and over time you’ll have conversations with them, get to know them, and become comfortable in their company. You may or may not become friends, but at the very least you’ll have people you know, and you’ll always know where to find them.
I’m in the same boat as you, bro. My friends are dying off or being devoted parents who don’t have the spare time. I’m too much of an introvert in real life, and I wear a mask here.
I’m 61. My gf works more hours each day than I do, so I pass some of that time in bars drinking good beer. Were I not in a committed relationship, I could be doing more than drinking beer and making friends.
I know “youngsters” (okay, a couple 40 year olds) who joined the local Elks Lodge. Mostly for their “clubhouse” with a lake view, good food with old jazz, and Friday Fish Frys.
I’ve tried to keep my number of friends down, but I just retired, which meant I lost contact with most of mine (apparently, I’m no longer invited to anything…) so I might need some new ones.
But I keep making new ones at two places: my “parish bar” (the closest tavern), where I’ve been going a couple nights a week. I just had someone ask me to organize a weekly cribbage game… which I know nothing about. But I’ll do it!
… and at church. You knew someone was going to mention that one, didn’t you? I found a surprisingly-open-minded Lutheran(ELCA) one. The trick is, find a smaller group within the church. The first person I could stand there got me to come to a Voluntary Simplicity class. We’d go out for a beer afterwards with a couple of our “classmates” and laugh at Sprout Lady (80-something hippie who drives around town with sprouts germinating on her dashboard). Ideally, they’d have a Bible Study group, but this church is too smartypants for that. Now I’m going to their Dining & Drivel group, where someone picks a new restaurant, puts a blurb in the church bulletin, and a couple dozen middle-agers (40s-70s) show up to try Aztec or Nepalese food. And laugh.
I’m also 57, and sympathize with the OP. It’s just damned hard to make friends at this age. I suspect it’s much harder for a man, but perhaps that’s my experience.
My marriage ended almost 6 years ago, and when that happens you lose all of your couple-friends. I dated for several years via OKCupid etc, but grew frustrated with dating and gave it up after 4+ years. I remained friends with several once-romantic-now-platonic ladies, but people drift away in that sort of situation. Now I really have about two friends I see very seldomly, and see no path (sans dating) to making more. It’s a bitch at this age - everyone already has their friends, and they’re not you.
Now, don’t laugh, but an older suddenly-divorced friend asked people at work what they did during the winter… tried (and ended up joining) a curling club. Brooklyn has a good one with a 90-Min CurlNYC Intro: “including learning the rules, delivering a stone, and the purpose behind sweeping the ice. All equipment is provided”.
Best part is that the games are easy to learn… and short, with the teams drinking together afterwards.
I Shot the Sheriff? You made friends while on the lam, taking potshots at local cops? What, did you check Gigs on Craigslist and see “Wheel Man needed, Sat. night, midnight til 2 … 1:30 if you drive fast.”
Or was it Bad Love? Was that your Tinder experience? Or did you stay home with *Willie and the Hand Jive?
*
Oh, wait, bet it was Cocaine! Though, handing out samples with a “Be My Pal, Score A Snort” shirt might get expensive…
The best way I have ever found to make friends is by learning to play bridge and then going to bridge clubs. It is very easy to meet people there and there are always people who need partners.
It’s very easy to become annoyed with a bad player. So you need to be careful that you don’t start screaming at someone you just met looking for a partner who turns out to be a terrible partner. You must avoid screaming at them. Eventually, you will learn who all the terrible players are and you can easily avoid partnering with them.
But very soon after you begin to play, you will find many people who will arrange to meet with you and play in their homes. You should plan on reciprocating and make sure your home is suitable for inviting people over to play. (snacks def required).
There are other social games and activities (like dancing and discussion groups and support groups) where it is also very easy to meet people. As long as you remember the Golden Rule when dealing with others, once you join some of these kinds of orgs, you should be well on your way.
Good Luck.
P.S. Like people have said, much depends on your interests. You may not be a very social person in which case things like hunting and fishing and militia groups may provide you with what you need.
Echoing Kimstu’s post. Also, time. A few years ago, I got up the gumption to join the group runs hosted by my local running store. It took a few months, but I began to recognize the regulars, and they me. First just to nods, and “Nice run”, then “Hey, let’s all go play trivia at the bar next door, then “Want to get together for a run on Saturday?” and so on.
Now, a few years on, I have a regular group of buddies who meet to run once or twice a week, and often grab a beer afterwards. We’ve gone out to dinner a few times, and I’ve hosted them for a New Year’s Eve party. None are really close friends – yet – but my primary social contact for the last few years has been men and women I’ve met after the age of forty-five.
Took a bit of time, and patience, though.
I wouldn’t do that unless you’re actually interested in animal rescue or theater. The women at those places, I’d hazard, aren’t there to meet men; they’re probably there because they like dogs or theater. They’ll realize if you’re just there for the dating opportunities.
Find a passion and pursue that, instead. Find something that interests you, and look for a group built around it. It might be hard to meet women if your interests are stereotypically masculine, like cars or sports (although there are plenty of women who are interested in both), but you’ll have something in common with anyone you meet. And if you don’t, you will have at least spent time on something you enjoy.
So, the group will consist of an email chain of “Um, can’t do it this week, maybe next Tuesday?” from every member?
You do realize that militia groups are illegal in many states? And certainly many of their activities are in all states. Or did you mean something less… aggressive?
(Ever googled that? First hits are things like “Hate Groups In Your Area”, “Hate Groups Map” and “Track hate groups operating in the US”)
If you’re being recruited by a militia group, you might want to be careful, and maybe skip that on your resume*.
2019 to present, BlitzWaffen Militia, LLC:
as Outreach Assistant to the Poobah, coordinated Family Fun Night raids on suspected enclaves of illegals and Jews. Also responsible for creative presentations on the buffet tables afterwards.
I know there’s a long history of padding resumes but, c’mon man, sticking a used birthday candle in a piece of styrofoam and calling it a “burning cross” centerpiece is just lazy. Have some pride in your work, for crying out loud.
One thing I keep saying to students is “what do you do when you should be doing something else?..And how can you get paid for it?”
So lately I’ve been thinking “How can I make friends while doing what I’d normally be doing by myself?” Now, bear with me, I had to bend the logic a bit… but I read a lot of comic books. I happened to be at the local comic shop on a Wednesday (when new 'books come out and those who can afford new issues every week show up).
What I found out was that these surprisingly-intellectual nerds take off early from work and hang out at the shop. And all I had to do was LISTEN as they critiqued every Star Wars movie or book, most of the Monty Pythons’ solo works, 70s vs 80s Saturday morning television shows, and oddly enough, Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry’s obscure projects.
I guess they need listeners, because now I drop by every Wednesday. Costs me a couple of 50c comics from the budget bin, and a Diet Coke from the dollar store next door. If I decide to get social enough to join some of them for Dive Bar Trivia Night, I’ve got an invitation…
Guys, I failed. There was a meetup this evening for the introverts group, and I couldn’t bring myself to go. I was out the door and trying to lock it - it was sticking like it sometimes does, and that was one roadblock too many.
Golly gee whiz! Nobody has trotted out that tired old phrase, “The best way to make a friend is to be a friend.”
First thing? Smile! At everybody, everything. And please, a genuine smile! My granddaughter was doing a smile experiment, and came to me with this horrible grimace on her face. I said, “If somesone smiled at me like that, I’d call the cops!”
Do nice things for people. Pick up stuff that gets dropped, hold doors open, offer help to someone juggling too many boxes. Compliment people. “You look very nice today.”
Turn yourself into Mister Nice Guy. Don’t do the smiles and nice stuff as a come on, do it just to be a genuinely nice person to everybody: young, old, male, female.
Your mood will lighten. And you’ll make the world a better place. The change of outlook may bring you oppotunities you never thought of.
~VOW
I disagree with the word failed. You took steps. You prepared yourself mentally and physically to go. It may not have ended the way you wanted it to, but you took action. That’s not failing, that’s just a temporary setback. Next time maybe the lock won’t stick, or maybe it will stick but you will persevere, or maybe it will stick and you won’t be able to lock it but you’ll say screw it, I’ve got too much stuff anyway. I don’t know. The point is, if there there ever even was one, is a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Although, if you’re going a thousand miles for a meetup, you might want to try to find something closer.
I’m about your age. Most of the friends I’ve made in the past decade or two are people I met at work or through square dancing. Square dancing is perfect – it starts with a series of classes, so you have to attend at the same time every week, and so do all the other people in your class. Then it keeps meeting and you can go most weeks and see a lot of the same people. I lucked into a club that dances as singles, not as couples. Most of those are gay clubs, but if you are looking for friendship, you will find the gay clubs are quite open to straight people joining. (but not a great place for straight people to find dates.)
But that worked for me because I enjoyed it. I have an on-line friend who made a lot of his friends through rugby. It’s a team. It meets regularly, with the same people every time. My husband has made some friends volunteering. When we were in NYC he said volunteering at soup kitchens would be a great place for a straight guy to meet women, since the vast majority of the volunteers are women, mostly single women. I’ve always thought a language class would be good because you’d be interacting with your classmates. I know people who have a lot of friends through church, mostly because they are active in the church and do volunteer work there. Oh, I’ve made some friends doing political volunteer work, too.
So find something that interests you that would require you to show up on a regular basis with mostly the same people each time. Sports and other activities where you interact directly with others are probably the best choices. Then join it.
I’m fairly gregarious, and “getting to know people that I see all the time” comes fairly easily to me. If THAT part is hard for you, I think you will just have to spend more time getting yourself out there until others approach you. Or force yourself to approach others.
